you’ve heard of friends with benefits now get ready for

who up replacing they churchill with an otter

‘my daughter got him for christmas and now sa… tan resides within our home and we need to shift the curse.’

this is fun

dandelion facts

tell you what it’s been 10 years since ive been able to have a bath uninterrupted, but now i can. so i says to myself i says lucy, you’ve a nice big bath there let’s av it.

hash brown butty for tea no offence

well well well

someone went to hug me yesterday but there are only 4 people on this planet who are allowed to do that

giving saturday tea time telly a go. so far it’s just back to back peter crouch adverts?

here for the takes on current affairs

fuckin wednesday innit. the uk’s official tea-at-your-dads day.

someone is queuing the wrong way in starbucks

boy are you a rant in my notes app because im not that girl anymore and i don’t want to look at you

the absolute chokehold this had on mums

my discover tl is full of homoerotic comic strips and not really sure why but i respect the trade and wish them well

deleted my hinge again

me (chewing my lunch instead of dislocating my jaw and swallowing it whole): yum yum! a snake:

wonder how many crisps david ginola has eaten in his life so far

‘we meant questions about the job’

before a few white lies on my date come back to bite me - what’s the quickest way to become ceo of metro goldwyn mayer?

when you turn 50 you receive an aerial photo of your house taken from a helicopter in the eighties and you have to display it in a brown frame

jokes on you lane assist i actually love suddenly swerving dangerously close to parked cars at full speed

just wanna be loved like our local farmer loves setting fire to a big ol’ pile of deleterious materials

bet if shakespeare was still alive he’d be saying things like ‘egg mayo? egg no you may not’. also he’d be really old and likely in a LOT of pain.

a peloton class where it’s just a load of us getting outta bed

what this place needs is a whippet in a nappy

Looks like Warren G is on the streets, trying to consume

friday me in the school mum group chat: fucking hell i do not give a fuck please have mercy oh maaan shut the fuck uuuup sunday me in the smgc: heyyyy what years my kid in xoxo

@rondellehobbs.bsky.social is my pope

🎶 livin in the vatican 🎶

you’re telling me a fly tipped all this?

you’re telling me a stone washed these jeans?

why did i do this

i’ll just stop you there, i’m having a *very* good friday

who up maundying they thursday

val kilmer no way aaah that sucks actually

asking jeeves if he’s single x

i love a decent dusk me

texting war plans

mrs. gennaro I am sorry to have to tell you this but your husband was killed in a work accident. they made dinosaurs real for fun and he got eaten by one while sitting on the toilet. he wasn’t using it he died abandoning children

grandmas lent me a nightie that makes me look like i’m about to meet up with several other women wearing the same one to bestow ungodly atrocities unto people who have wronged us

i can’t read any more emails. i’m full.

nobody: 13yo me naming all my boyfriends that ‘went to a different school’:

wow everything’s computer

wow everything’s computer

old people love telling you that when they got caught smoking their dad made them smoke a whole pack but sorry what’s your point doris that sounds fuckin mint

am so tired ive just shaved one leg then sacked off doing the other