A lot of things are happening right now. Clearly, letting things happen was a mistake. We need to ban happening, or things. Possibly both.

Lincoln The Description

what kind of poet mechanic came up with “serpentine belt”

When you take your dog to an obedience class establish dominance by going up to the oldest dog there and teaching it a new trick

i know a douchebag is a real thing but i hope a scumbag isn't

a lotta cats get stressed on NYE because if you don't lock lips with a fine a piece of tail you're a turkey

seems like every version of Silent Night is sung with a little more emotion than the last, and we can't do this forever guys

Jack Frost nipping out his clothes

On your first day in prison, find the biggest guy and punch him in the mouth. He's used to it. Might have to wait in line if there are a lot of new arrivals that day.

did the dogs that barked jingle bells bark any other songs, or was this a one hit wonder situation

the dogs who barked jingle bells were probably pretty fuckin annoying in a home invasion scenario

ladies if you're struggling for an xmas gift idea for your man, you can never go wrong by writing a country song about what you'd do to a girl who tried to steal him away

i once dated a girl with a pierced brosnan

I have reached the ex-claymation point in my life. Never again.

i'll remember covid as a time when we used words like "semblance" and "normalcy"

"Penny Lane is in your ears, and in your eyes" - Paul McCartney's doctor after he was run over by a car

FRIEND: didn’t your dad ever teach you to throw a ball ME: of course *20 years earlier* My dad: the waltz is always in fashion

My last words are going to be “here comes my dead body, deal with it”

captain: we're going to have a temporary delay while we address a mechanical issue passengers: *LOUD COMPLAINING" captain: wow ok nvm

bag: Tear Here! me: *tears* bag: Great, thank you for tearing there. Now if you would like to access my contents, grab some scissors.

lean: a done ham

I wish I was still a kid so I could say the darndest things

Everybody knows that Mr Duplicity from "You Oughta Know" was Dave Coulier, but did you know that Mr Play-It-Safe from "Ironic" was John Stamos? follow me for more secret cryptic links between Full House and Alanis Morissette that the Illuminati are hiding

boomers got upset about WAP, but their generation had "WAP BOP A LOO BOP A LOP BAM BOOM" which stood for something much more shocking and offensive

hoof arted

*phone rings* me: hi dad obviously my dad: heyy its your dad

i just want to say something to all my new followers

It’s got to feel incredible to be a british cop and let out a huge “WOTS ALL THIS THEN”

In the kaleidoscope of existence beauty dances in the symphony of colors, you fucking idiot.

there's a subtle beauty in the intimacy of knowing your coworkers poop habits

when are these liberal redneck hippies going to stop with their pro-gay pro-gun agenda

you could have been an email

Me, stuck in a traffic jam while going to the woods: I hope all these people aren’t going to the woods

cute name for a cat that throws up a lot: Pukles

a lotta cats get stressed on NYE because if you don't lock lips with a fine a piece of tail you're a turkey

cum for my sins baby

omg i'm such an idiot i thought i was joining the PENIS club

my dad left us when he was 7

can: i eat that - a goat's autobiography

thanks to @lukelukeluke.bsky.social for talking me out of skeeting "i hope DeerDash brings me something nice"

xmas movie idea: an elf whose real passion is making dreidels

When you bring a date home for the first time, put on the weiner-tucking song from Silence Of The Lambs. If they laugh, you've found the one. If they scream, COMMIT TO THE BIT.

My house is spic and span for the holidays. Maybe a little too span.

We need to recast the guy in my brain who says “you do not need another peanut butter cup”. This dude is not selling it at all.

Remember Fievel? Yeah well while you're remembering Fievel some people have to work.

This day in history. 1921. German microbiologist Julius Richard Petri died after eating some caviar from the wrong dish.

yes please send me notifications anytime someone so much as looks at my order

my fav xmas song is Whose Kid Is This?

who called it oatmeal stout and not alcohall & oats

Is this some kind of sick joke? - you, enjoying one of my sickest jokes