The lemon is a hybrid of the citron and the bitter orange, possibly first appearing in the 1st millennium BC in what is now northeastern India. Life never *gave* us lemons. We fucking made them.

Perpetually disappointed that this book isn’t real

Why doesn’t the doctor ever pull out her pad and say “I’m writing you a prescription for butter and cream, and I’m putting you on daily bacon”

A half truth, plus a quarter fact, plus a quarter sooth, equals a single valid statement.

If you don’t know what to give someone for Christmas, you can always give them the heebie-jeebies.

Every time they draw the lottery numbers I think “That’s so random!”

All I want for Christmas are the Epstein files

We had 69. The new generation only has 67. Shrinkflation is no joke.

Feels like no matter how much daylight we save, the darkness still persists.

You scratch my humpback, and I’ll scratch yours. A classic Quid-Pro-Quasimodo

There is poetry in everyone.

Quasimodo watched, a single tear running down his cheek, as Esmeralda walked off arm in arm with his cousin who was in fairness, he thought, the the real Totalmodo.

You contain multitudes* *limit three tudes per customer

God gives His sexiest battles to His horniest soldiers

“Welcome back to my YouTube channel where I talk exclusively about symbiotic relationships between fungi and algae. If you’re new here, remember to lichen subscribe”

Jeff Bezos should shorten the WaPo slogan to just “Democracy Dies”

I'll be at the library on Sept 6th at 10am signing books. I'm not an author or anything I just like writing my name on books.

Happy birthday wishes are in order for my beloved, @theanastasia.bsky.social Do hop over to her feed to leave her appropriately good wishes for her birthday ☺️🎂

Women gush: “He makes me feel seen” “He makes me feel heard” They never appreciate that I make them feel smelled.

I wonder if models have to be tall because the fashion industry wants to hold women to impossible height standards too.

Lose up to 1/2 a pound in one evening with my Illicit Kidney Theft Diet! For details, come to the Howard Johnson’s Motel on Route 6, room 17, just by the ice machine.

I assume that gen alpha relationships will all be gender fluid polycules that require at least a master’s degree in combinatorial mathematics to understand. Honestly that’s fine. At least they’re into STEM.

Happy 4th of July to all Americans, even the loser* & hater* *Donald J. Bone Spurs

Happy Canada Day to those who observe! May you spend the day with friends & family, eating & drinking to excess, sitting about fires or soaking in cool pools, enjoying everything to the fullest That’s what Canada was made for. I think. I didn’t really pay attention in history

Due to budget constraints, there will henceforth be only one wolf inside you.

They’re into communist vexillology? That’s a red flag.

Why do so many people who use ‘Proud’ in their group’s name make me the least proud of being a human being.

[posts ‘bbn’ in Teams chat] [disappears into nearest deep, dark wood, and proves true to the promise to ‘be back never’]

She was almost incurably constipated, and he was her nurse. Then came the unexpected romance. It was enemas to lovers.

Did you know? I also do a weekly comic!

Red means stop, particularly when shaving.

You miss 100% of the naps you don't take.

Goth couple, every morning: Hey, look! We match!

No person is a pond, rather we’re more like the river: ever moving, always flowing with new waters, never exactly the same with the passage of time. The you of many years ago is very different than the you of today I tell myself this as I try to explain why there is so much frozen okra in the icebox

Robber in a Roman museum: *pulls out gun* Statues: don’t shoot we’re unarmed!

Technically every car is self driving, for a little while.

“🎶Head and shoulders, na-na-na-na-na-na, knees, knees!🎵” Axel Rose never gets to the toes.

Prithee, fair maid, harken unto me and heed me well, for I come with a warning: Soon shall this commode be despoiled, and rendered unfit for one so tender and lovely as yourself. [wife, sighing]: Can you just say you have to poop like a normal person?

I know Americans usually fly their flags at half mast when a president dies, but when Trump dies … Is there such a thing as double mast?

Things you should know about me: 1) I like making ordered lists b) I can't be counted on to use a consistent labelling scheme for all my points

You can’t get blood from a stone. You can’t get phlegm from a boulder. You can’t get bile from a pebble. Basically, if you’re hoping to get any of the humours from a geological formation, you’re out of luck.

Next time I meet up with old friends I haven’t seen in ages, I’m going to hire an 87 year old man to pretend to be me. Give him an ear piece. Really commit to the bit for hours.

I’m looking for a catchy phrase like “Go woke, go broke,” but for boycotting companies that support the current US regime. I’m thinking “Go Trump, go fuck yourself”

My heart is already spoken for on Valentine’s Day, but someone can call dibs on my spleen.

Just once I’d like to go to an open mic night and find that it’s an autopsy of a guy named Mike.

This final season of ‘America: So You Think You Can Democracy’ sucks. The characters are stupid & unbelievable, the plot points are insane, and I can’t stand all the product placement.

Video: Wait until the end! Sound on! Me: ugh. No thank you.

A body at rest stays happy.