Easter morning, when married men across America wake up and say, “He is risen!” and show their wives their morning erections but just joking of course, obviously, unless, I mean, if you want to…

Los Angeles! Come on out tonight to see me with BAG OF HAMMERS and enjoy the triumphant return of a brand new crew. IF I HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, SO DO YOU www.instagram.com/p/DWj7Gm7EqF...

The fun thing about moving is adding one more to my collection of shoe boxes that contain all the stuff from the junk drawers of every place I’ve ever lived

Sure it’s 100° on the first day of spring out here in LA, but with the windchill factor it feels like shit

On this week’s SCOTT HASNT SEEN, we watch a special TV crossover event: the November sweeps 1986 two-parter that united MAGNUM, P.I. (S7E8) & MURDER, SHE WROTE (S3E8)! Joining us is comedian, writer and returning guest @charliemccrackin.bsky.social! Available exclusively at @cbbworld.bsky.social!

Oh great, a new neighbor

Hay fever more like nay fever because I refuse to participate

When you’re resetting your password and you type in your new password and it says that doesn’t meet the criteria for a password because it can’t be the same as your current password and you say to the reset your email box fuck you I don’t need you anymore.

Sigonk if you’re Sigourney

Gas, grass, or ass. Something in here stinks

Preemptive retaliation is oxymoronic. Basing a war on the idea is regular moronic

War, what is it good for? Top of the list: Using up extra guys

Just checked and it looks like my self-destruct sequence was initiated at some point and has been ticking down this whole time. Isn’t there supposed to be a lady with an overhead announcement?

Starting to worry I will never meet The One* *a person who will push me down the stairs

Now she can spend more time with her hobbies

The state of the world now is great for cancelling plans or missing deadlines. You can just shake your head and be like, “With everything going on…” or “In times like these…” and no one can say shit

Not having a ton of luck on dating apps because my bio says “ISO non-gross person of any gender who likes having sex with me and tells me what to do with my life and the things they tell me to do are things I like and when I do the things my life gets better Go Pack Go.”

When life doesn’t give you tomatoes, make a bacon lettuce and honeydew sandwich

Just doodled this at work but I lowkey kinda like it

Nobody ever mentions when a movie is preapocalyptic

Just did a quick-apply using my resume on file. Throwing my hat in the ring to be new supreme leader over in Iran

🙏 Now I lay me down to bed, Mandela Machine upon my head. Since this world seems almost done, I’m gonna try to wake up in another one.

If you’re on a gay hookup app and your profile says you’re into fisting, you can remove “curious” from your bio

Lotta people say if they had a time machine they go back in time and kill baby Hitler, and I think I would do that too, not to stop the holocaust, but because it seems like probably the best chance I’d ever have to kill a baby without getting canceled

All new COLLEGE TOWN feat. @charliemccrackin.bsky.social & Fiona Landers! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) Grinding stumps and leaving wives plus! Jan uses a new body part! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social www.comedybangbangworld.com

Hey hey hey, don’t be so quick to put the house lights up on these Wuthering Heights credits. Some of us are blubbering in the dark. At least give me a warning so I can put my face on.

For over a thousand years I thought “I Will Always Love You” was being sung to a bitter, sweet man, Maurice.

I think the Indiana Bears has a nice ring to it. Not a Super Bowl ring, but…

But what did the Supreme Court say about the tariffs I imposed on my neighbor Gary importing dog crap to my lawn?

My friends, family and attorneys are all pleading with me to stop making public statements that I’m “unkidnappable” yet here I am again

A therapist once suggested instead of having a goal to maybe someday meet a woman who would tolerate my being bisexual, I could actually meet and date women who find that attractive and I said SHYEAH RIGHT

I only use self rising flour because I believe in pulling yourself up by the bootstraps

When I give you the signal, push me down the stairs, and this needs to look like an accident so remember to say whoops

Job applications never ask how many of other people’s licenses and certifications I’ve revoked. What are they afraid of?

Oops I ate two Cool Whip containers of Kix for supper

Couple of lives back I was a right jackanape

What even event is she in?

Thinking of doing that thing where you hire a private detective to follow you around for a week, refuse to pay them and hope to steal some constructive criticism from whatever insults they yell at you

I mainly fight the patriarchy by being a terrible provider

Remember it’s not Valentimes, it’s SAINT Valentimes, so get your ass to mass

If I could make a living doing what I love to do most, I’d have a lucrative career in finishing up the last of the scrambled eggs

Time to lick my phone clean for the day and head to bed

No YOU listen carefully. Your menu has NOT changed. It NEVER has. No one’s menu has EVER changed EVER.

ME AGENCY AM PROTECTING ENVIRONMENT

It’s been 0️⃣ days since a grown man has threatened to fight me for making him rack his weights

I’m also 48 and this news is james van der bleak

A biathlon sounds hot but might be just a phase

If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, you may have heard Nigella Lawson is a new judge on The Great British Bake Off

If I had to compete in a Winter Olympic event without preparing I’d choose Men’s Normal Hill because it sounds easy and then I’d break every bone on the front of my body

It looks like there’s something in my breast pocket, but zoom in for a fun surprise! (there’s not)