Honestly, goofy doesn’t seem that goofy. He just seems irresponsible.

Sometimes, when I worry that I may not be dressed up enough for an event, I remember where I live, and I know that no matter where I go, there will be some dude in a husker hoodie, regardless of the situation

My sleep paralysis demons keep telling me to watch Yellowstone and it’s getting annoying.

‘7 Days,’ Hisses Little Girl On Phone Call Welcoming Draft Pick To Jets

BREAKING- Trump is ENRAGED that the blockade of the Strait of Hormuz has only received 3 Booms from the Rizzler.

Shout out to all the pimps and players lamenting sorrow tonight.

Wanted to put this weird interaction I had after a show to see if anyone can make sense of it hey I enjoyed your little skits or whatever "ok..Thanks." I got a movie recomendation for you" "sure! "mud" “I've seen it" think its about time you rewatch it He pats the top of my shoulder like a father.

Why do all new “modern” houses end up looking like a PlayStation 2?

Trying to think of a dumb lie to post on the internet for April fools.

On top of funding DHS and TSA there is also funding in that bill to keep having that one guy do flips off of a piano when he sings. This shit has got to stop.

Post nut clarity is how I refer to all my shelves when I put away my nutcracker collection after the holidays.

I don’t know if I love doing stand-up comedy or if I just love eating fast food in hotel rooms

Would love to become obsessed with a legendary treasure, preferably, to a point beyond madness.

“Please sir… may I KeEP it TwiZtEd?” Oliver Twisted Tea

Honestly couldn’t think of a worse hell than creating content that causes people to engage with me.

My Ai prompt of “fish man angry at his water bill” is worth environmentall catastrophe.

Minions just aren’t that important to me.

I know history, so it seems pretty unfair that I am also doomed to repeat it.

Continuously justifying murder of innocents has to rot a hole through the soul of all of those who seem to have such a tenuous grasp of their humanity already.

Vanity license plate idea: HRD FRTR

In the home I grew up in, you weren’t allowed to post memes. ☹️

I feel like less people would lash out online if they were versed in the way of the blade

Hoping to get an Apple Watch for Christmas. An Apple Watch is when the condition are right for an Apple. An Apple warning is when an Apple has been spotted in the area.

Just saw a rap rock scored slideshow of John Brown on TikTok. Im like super amped and confused.

“I don’t have a favorite frozen pizza” is just bragging about growing up with married parents.

Heaven can’t be crowded, because if it was, it wouldn’t be heaven.

Those people talk like parents whose kids went no contact.

New album out today on @aspecialthing.bsky.social Thank you to everyone who ever gave me stage time, everyone who ever laughed, everyone who ever recoiled, the sun, the moon and the stars lnk.to/yellsatcrowd...

Idea for a restaurant: Benihana but instead of a hibachi grill, we have a George Foreman grill that is manned by a shirtless guy in boxing gloves that entertains the table.

Sorry for interrupting you opening your lootcrate but you have to sign these custody papers.

Never do I feel more like an entitled prick than when an automatic door doesn’t open

Radishes taste like hot dirt.

Turnstile sounds like if Snapcase started taking their meds.

I bet being dead feels exactly like scrolling on your phone.

A movie about the dog who is best at sitting: Chair Bud.

We should invest in high speed rail, the murder mysteries alone justifies the time, effort and money.

Sure, they may not do the best job, but you can’t beat the price of circumcisions at sports clips

Hello? Hello? Is this the hotline I call to report my wife being careless with a bag of tortilla chip, so now they are in such small pieces that I look like I’m testing cocaine to make sure it’s real on my gums, when I eat them?

Sorry guys I have to log off. I gotta go take my dick hole medicine.

Zuck: the average American has three friends.

It’s financial literacy month. so time to teach some money to read.

Frankenstein’s monster truck.

Omaha!! Thursday and Friday!!

Omaha!! Thursday and Friday!!

How long do you have to be in an escape room to claim squatter’s rights?

I think if I ever tried lean or model trains it would be all I ever talked about.

Still talking about the same thing - because it makes content and I’m supposed to make that. #standupcomedy #funkopop #vhs #vhstapes #whocares