the kimmel that comes back from this will be a changed man. cynical. violent

*sniffing my own turds* wOOf that one's a stinker. *sniffs again* hey guys you gotta check this out

you try to come out of the closet, but you enter into - another closet? you look around, and you're surrounded by closets. this is not an analogy: you're lost in the closet warehouse.

does the expensive toothpaste work better i have to cram for a dentist appointment

getting eaten by a pitcher plant remains one of the most embarrassing ways for a bug to go out. a classic case of being overtaken by one's own greed and hubris

"You miss 100% of the shots." - Wayne Gretzky to his incompetent nurse

new x-man with the ability to point at the toaster RIGHT as the toast is about to come up

Those signs telling us not to flush paper towel - clearly a janitor having a power trip. You can flush anything down a toilet, it's fine.

jerkovsky's nutcracker? these perverts will listen to anything i swear to god

white-collar crime is too opaque, and street crime is too personal - jewel theft is right in the sweet spot

[elphaba finishes her latest evil deed] "I guess I am truly wicked part two"

"they said have you tried turning her off and turning her back on again, i said, how about i meet you halfway"

don't touch those! those are load bearing funkos!!

girl dreams are pink boy dreams are blue non-binary dreams are sepia tone gender fluid dreams are letterboxed

never once figured out how to lead my horse anywhere NEAR water so it's a huge relief finding out i wouldn't have been able to make him drink anyway. nothing i could've done would've saved him. god i loved that poor wobbly disoriented old son of a bitch. well, not old

what's so special about inventing a device that doesn't fly? i could easily invent something that doesn't fly.

hearing laughter, joy, this sort of thing. ought to be BANNED! these sorts of actions are SICK

clocking into my job at the philosophy department for a long think sesh. working on solving morality today but might start on human nature if i have the time

John Green traps you in the thought bubble ASMR

John Roberts: "The law, in all its majestic equality, prevents cisgender and transgender alike from transitioning."

just some room temperature ice for me, please. not too cold

review of the mona lisa: for a painting, it's really quite good. But it's nowhere near the quality of a modern camera, and it's clear the whole thing is mostly hype.

Yeah, I'm into Dune. Dune onto others as they dune to you.

had a crazy thought earlier but i forgot it. it was really something special though, you would've loved it

thank god they captured the anti-semitism ship, the one carrying all of that life sustaining anti-semitism to the starving anti-semites of Gaza

heads up to any rats- saw a feral cat patrolling the communal garbage pile. remember, the only way to win is to not engage

(doing stand up at white house corespondents dinner): "the president is a joke" audience scowls, secret service members reach for their guns "ummm a good joke though! very clever!" audience smiles. i've read the room perfectly

i'm a young man and if the left doesn't make better podcasts i will go full nazi i swear to god

yeah, i'm bi - biting into this slice of new york pizza!!

imagine a cute little cat and it's coming up to you

imagine a kitty

not only do i think mermaids exist- i think every animal has a version somewhere with its top half as a beautiful woman

oh that's cute. did your mommy make you those brass knuckles

today we celebrate the moms of the parenting world - dads

"fortune favors the bold" i explain to the genie, my lemur tail getting caught in the revolving door

(to the bailiff): when do I get to stab the table

thought of a new slogan: YOLOT (you only live one time)

Headline: Why I'm Leaving Piss City Subhead: The City of Piss has it's charms, but rising crime rates and a stifling monoculture on political discourse have made it clear that people like me are no longer wanted. P1: First, let me clear something up - this move has nothing to do with the piss.

wonder if there's one rich bee who gets a hive to himself. uses all the spare combs for furniture and stuff

one constitutional amendment that i think could really help us out: all elected officials should be made to work in the salt mines

ships and bottles - these two seem to walk through history as a pair

oh sorry.. no ya i just got a text. yeah its just all the babes in my phone yeah. no they were just like "where are you?? we miss you!" and im all like "im at the beach that makes you old ahh" haha

the only hot take i like was prometheus stealing fire from the gods

(Rodney Dangerfield as Bigfoot): "I told my wife I don't show up good in pictures - she said I don't show up too well in real life either!"

severing myself and making my innie ride all the rollercoasters for me

Pope Francis is now buried with his appointed members of clergy, who will continue to serve him in the afterlife.