Yo is it over yet? Shit. See you guys when my mentals are better.

The serenity prayer, but then surprise! I choke a bitch.

Can we talk about how every single song is gut wrenching right now?

Today I am pretending to smile and say things like: ”aw, I don’t deserve you“ in a pleasant voice. Just know that I meant like I don’t deserve a wrath of plagues.

Today’s a good day to clean out your attics and crawl spaces. Really anywhere you might be hiding people from the gestapo.

Remember kids, Jesus Christ was resurrected by an alien parasite for your sins.

Yeah, git out there and own the libs! You’ll show them!

It’s the little things.

Hey. Yeah. Um. It’s still the Gulf of Mexico.

Remember the Wonder Twins? Sure Zan could take the form of water, Jayna could be any animal. but Gleek, their pet monkey, could hurl his own feces at their enemies.

Tariff Sheriff is doing the Hokey Pokey, and that’s what it’s all about!

If our country was a rental car, this mother fucker just got it going 60 mph and threw it in reverse.

I like to play just the tip with Tariffs just like the next guy but I think it’s better to abstain completely.

Eat, pray, fuck you

Ok great, and does your cult offer any kind of 401k match?

I want to fight Tong Po.

The people who were dumb enough to vote for him, are also dumb enough to not regret it.

The honor system failed.

I’m celebrating. It was just a slight bit of flatulence everyone!

I’d certainly rather have my kids grow up next to a trans person vs a maga family. I want peace. MAGA folks continually make dangerous choices, regardless of who it hurts.

I’m untouchable.

Just learned chewing gum releases microplastics. Looking at the doomsday clock, I decided to start smoking.

“Grosstheries”

All of their wildest dreams will come true if you just give up all of your simple ones.

Don’t use 😂. It’s only for insincere, ignorant individuals.

If I didn’t have to put up with the rest of the crap, it’d still be too insane.

He’s a disaster for everyone but Putin. Ask yourself why. He needs to destroy it all for two reasons. 1. He works for Putin, it started in the 80’s. It’s documented. Russia is the only country not on the tariff list. 2. When it’s totally destroyed he’ll claim “ Only I can fix it” Be ready

Pain is temporary, unfortunately so am I. Give me the drugs then.

If you think things are bleak or beyond hope, please know that my dog is always shocked and surprised by his own farts.

Sriracha shouldn’t be used as an enema, but I mean look at the world we live in now.

"These are defacto tax cuts for the wealthy paid for by the poor" - Steve Liesman on CNBC

Many people in the United States are really just waiting for either the Tariff pumpkin or his Russian boss to come clean and tell them about all of the conspiring that has been going on. Until then, it’s just wacky, unexplainable coincidence to them.

Don’t know about you, but I am sick of waking up wishing this whole thing was all just a nightmare.

Don’t assume that I have any idea what even half of anything means.

Corey Booker’s bladder should receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Please don’t follow me if you are a troll farm comrade. (Unless you engage in my nonsense, I am so lonely)

Thank you, Senator Cory Booker! #Resist

We already know more than we want. Eric is actually Gary Busey’s kid. Big deal.

Hey, Is it appropriate to filibuster at my 1 year review? It’s only scheduled for 1 hour.

I work with adults who pronounce it, CHIPOLTAY, when referring to Chipotle. SPICKETT, when they are talking about the spigot, and say NIP IT IN THE BUTT. Instead of nip it in the bud. How do I deal with this?

No I don’t snore. (Lie)

We are in an echo chamber, but it’s one of those; trapped in a dark cave with Golem discussing how he is going to cook, and eat us scenarios.

The question isn’t why I am awake right now, (3am) the question is, why does my cat need to wake me up to hunt leaves it saw out the window?

I’m really excited to skip every will smith song that tries to make it to a speaker.

ME: I need something life-affirming to happen. UNIVERSE: Here! Isn't this the best? ME: OMG! This is clearly I sign I should go on! UNIVERSE (under breath): At least until I yank it out from under you ME: Hmm? UNIVERSE: Hmm?

You wanted to “own the libs” and now the bank is repossessing your car. Maybe the first step is to take down that stupid trump flag.

I need to comment on someone getting ripped off for spending too much on a stump grinding but I’m permanently banned from the platform. Is this the way I have to navigate the world now? Cmon Bluesky, bring it over to me so I have a one stop shop.

A tariff explanation video: youtu.be/AQIHKkX3IiE

America is the bad guy.