you’ve been offline for 2 days?? touch glass

me: I got the money, you got the variable intermittent reward? drug dealer: maybe 😏

nice anxiety you’ve got there. it’d be a shame if something happened to it

we should study why there’s no obesity epidemic in werewolves

five eyes full magnets can lose

I am once again saying to follow paul. every one of these threads is gold

did #wwdc fix that thing where every time you use any apple product you hit a bug

In the movie, Elon’s kidnapped by ICE and spends two years in the torture camp as his supervillain origin story. Then South Africa, where he tries to unite the continent against the West. But his lawyer money is what finally stops and dismantles ICE, so that the bad guy is Complicated.

It would be such sweet poetic justice if Elon spent months illegally seizing offices and ruining peoples lives, only to have it happen to him weeks later

Notice how Super Mario and all his supposed “enemies” are happy to get together and go go-kart racing? Wake up. It’s all kayfabe

this is the exact amount of online I am

elon and trump are meeting outside uniqlo on sunday 5pm. 3251 20th Ave, San Francisco, CA, 94132

start a third party, elon! everyone who failed before just wasn’t smart enough!

TRUTH BOMB 💣 this guy is a Pedophile. I also made him President

she spread on my sheets till i sum()

hahaha accidentally snuck into a private event at the Fellow storefront, to check out their new espresso machine AMA

Executioner: Any last words? Me: Sparn Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean Me: Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

home is where the browser cookies are

reality needs some zealots of its own

And that colon polyp is now National Security Advisor

my entire apartment smells like curry 🤤

I am SO bad at getting enough sleep, especially winding down at night anyone struggled with that and found a way to crack it? #FitnessSky

one more reason to ride a bike as much as possible, to as many places as possible

officially down 20lbs in 20 weeks then kept it off for a month! 🥳 might be ready to do another cut soon GOOD LORD will I be happy when this is over lmao

the last one was an entire loaf of garlic bread that they hollowed out and stuffed with bbq ribs AND SIDES

got so excited about seeing my quad muscles for the first time that I sent my friend an unsolicited thicc pic™️

even the cheesiest pizza begins with a single slice

my fat loss diet is weak against ice cream damage (2 for 1 deal)

hot take: I don’t even want YOUR read receipts

going viral is so weird. what do you mean it was reposted by the BBC, a YA novelist, and “baba yaga’s chicken shack”

your pope name is: last thing you ate + number of letters in your first name Pope-peroni VIII

betting markets have never implemented the theory correctly, but they’re especially broken when you literally *cannot* know anything in advance

who called it woke pope and not Opus DEI

woke pope Woke Pope WOKE POPE

deep dish pope

WOKE POPE SHOCK - supports poor, needy - gone too far?!

can I get a ruling on whether we do occasionally, in fact, “gotta hand it to” andrew tate?

thinking about how many people went to threads just because you can go more viral there

I saw Tim Berners-Lee's NeXT box when I visited CERN and what blows my mind is the faded torn sticker saying "This machine is a server DO NOT POWER IT DOWN". There was some point in time that was the only web server on Earth. "Do NOT turn this computer off the World Wide Web is on it"

one might argue 80 is too many degrees

I always thought the 20% fudge factor on labels was because of natural variance in farming and manufacturing processes but it’s WAY MORE than that! youtu.be/UuN5HXctmYk?...

one of the best meal prep days

I accidentally a temporary tattoo that lasts for weeks 😂 it’s growing on me though??

Happy 80th anniversary of Hitler killing himself in his bunker to all who celebrate, which, as I now understand it, is not everybody

heading to the Christian Performance Shorts for Children store, want me to pick you up anything

this woman is a political genius

Fully on board with dems running for office promising to reinstate fired federal employees and jail this administration’s various criminals, but let’s go ahead and add “we will seize by eminent domain any national parkland sold to developers”

person woman man carbomb tv