I dropped queso on my phone screen and have confirmed that you can, in fact, accidentally like an Instagram post with your tongue. These kinds of important data and discovery are the reason I became a scientist.

Clothing company: Our shirts look great on guys of all shapes and sizes! *Models are 6'3" with 6-packs and the ability to speak to animals* Me: ...It'll probably be fine, I'll just find it in my size... *Looks like a manatee draped in a tarp, unable to talk to the other manatees about it*

This whole CEO concert affair thing is just a ploy by Big Coldplay to get you to buy more clocks.

I'm in charge of starting a podcast for my College about the work we do and how it impacts the community. I have a colleague doing fascinating work on bats and ecology. It'll be great, but I already know I can't title it, "It's Frickin' Bats," and I'm terribly sad in advance, deep in my soul.

The Tree of Life by Nalini Nadkarni is out in the USA today! 🎉

I couldn't think of the word "hip" just now and went with "leg shoulder." Things are clearly going well.

"Fire ze missiles" is like a Millennial dog whistle. Also, it still holds up 22 years later. I checked.

I went out with friends tonight *starting* at 7:30. What am l, a 30 year old? Absurd. Wonderful.

Every now and then, I'll go back and watch clips from the Mexican Food episode of Great British Bake Off, just to feel something* *The something is a weird combination of horror, rage, and disappointment

Plants are political. Nature is political. Food is political. The struggle for our planet is the struggle for liberation and equity.

After running non-stop for the past month on primarily caffeine, adrenaline, and spite, I'm finally getting to decompress for a few hours today. Fam, I should have just kept moving so the consequences of pushing too hard couldn't catch me.

Airports are their own weird little urban ecosystems that aren't bound by normal conventions. Want to get a martini and Panda Express orange chicken at 7:02 am? Sure thing. Need a laptop and an entire Lord of the Rings box set? You bet. Wanna pay less than $46 for a cup of coffee? Lol cute, bestie.

We share an atrium with another department, and a high pitched alarm keeps going off somewhere in their offices. That feels like more than enough reason for me to just work from home all summer.

If you’re looking for an encouragement and meaning in life, I really appreciated the thoughts of my colleague @theplantprof.bsky.social here. As I often say, they won’t put your academic CV on your tombstone. So what really matters in life?

I'm out of writing practice, and thought finally starting a Substack would be a good way to get back into working out those muscles again. You'll get a deeper look inside my brain (I'm so sorry) and more detailed answers to your plant and academic questions! Welcome to Office Hours! bit.ly/3ZnvYL2

I couldn't remember the word bacon just now, so I ordered "maple donuts with meat sprinkles." They looked at me weird, but I got the right thing so 🤷🏽‍♂️ I need more coffee.

I just watched a grad student (in my department, but not my student) respond to a not-question with, "ah, I understand, that's more of a suggestion than a question. I think the suggestion is debatable, but I appreciate the thought." Then he moved on. It was awesome, I'm very impressed.

I get to interview so many amazing people for Planthropology that remind me how much I still have to learn about being a scientist, educator, and human. It's genuinely one of the greatest joys in my life to talk with a community of folks who always inspire me to be better!

Checking out at the grocery store: Me: Geez, $300?! I just bought essentials! Also me: ...bro, you bought 4 bottles of wine and enough oreos to kill a rhino. Me again: *checks news notification* I said what I said.

you’re fired. wait you’re rehired. email us a list of things you’ve done today wait forget it you’re fired again. come back your job was important. you’re fired. or hired. come in to the office. wait the office has no computers go home. we are the department of government efficiency.

We are experiencing an assault on science unparalleled by anything I’ve seen in my life. It’s not one issue or another anymore, the entire institution is under attack by the most powerful individuals in the country. This Friday, where will you be? standupforscience2025.org

TWiV 1195 is a tribute to our late co-host Dickson Despimmier 🤍 youtu.be/2PRYLYwgCmo?...

This is a little niche, but I've been an avid listener of a podcast called This Week in Virology since Covid hit in early 2020. It's a great listen and I've learned a ton. One of the rotating hosts, Dr. Dickson Despommier, passed away a couple of weeks ago. 1/3

It's good for them. It builds character.

I have my annual faculty evaluation with my department chair next week. I'm finishing up my report and don't know where to put "staring into the middle distance in existential dread" or which part of my appointment it fits into. Service, maybe? Please advise.

In case you were wondering, it's STILL January.

Academic folks: how many times is it reasonable to reformat your CV in a given week before you land on something you like and/or admit you have no idea what you're doing? I'm on like the 4th revision, and I think I'm leaning towards "camp no idea."

I just feel like Tom Bombadil would have a jaunty little song that would help a lot right now.

Alana and I are having cereal and Oreos for dinner, because why the hell not at this point

I have nothing meaningful to add to today's conversation. Instead, here's the most important video I've ever made, from way back in 2021. #mrpourovercoffeeman

Maybe you live in a reasonable place, but here where I am, we have brown sky dirt season, and it showed up early this year. The air is crunchy.

The best way* to process a scientific article is to re-read the same section 3 times because you keep forgetting what you're doing, then stare into the middle distance in existential dread for at least 20 minutes. *these statements have only been evaluated by me

It's the 2 year anniversary of my grandma putting a curse on someone. I'm unsure of that person's fate, but they stopped calling, so

I'm a reasonably accomplished photographer, but have absolutely no idea how to take a selfie that doesn't make me want to throw my phone, camera, and self into the nearest volcano. I'm going to just start grabbing screenshots from videos instead, because I hate this (a little) less than usual.

Hello, I got you this lizard. (Little white whiptail, Aspidoscelis gypsi, for all my fellow nerds)

Ok, I need to make a better effort at this app, since all the nonsense is becoming more nonsensey everywhere else. Who has the best starter packs???

So, what if we were all perceived on the internet less in general? Maybe we try that for a while? Anyway, I'll see you in a couple of hours during my next social media dopamine excursion.

I don't post here often, but needed you to see this. I'm not even sorry about it.

Y'all, I had to start my new year off by filtering out the word "fog" on social media. I'm sure it's going to be a super normal, not completely bonkers 2025.

A Daddy Long Legs, more accurately known by arachnologists as Papa Lengthy Limbs, has moved into one of the bookshelves in my office. We're buddies now. I've named him Esteban and I'm trying to figure out how to teach him to tell jokes and play a tiny viola.

Yes, me specifically.

A Thanksgiving treat! This week we got to talk all about plant folklore with THE plant professor, Dr. Vikram Baliga. Listen to Spirits now on all your podcast apps 🪴

Mildly alarming pies are appropriate for Thanksgiving, right?

I pulled up to the grocery store at 5:10pm (37 minutes ago) 2 days before Thanksgiving because I apparently hate myself and want to see if I can round out the day by learning to hate everyone else before I leave here. I'll probably be pulling up to a liquor store next.

We just wrapped up my sustainable vegetable crops class today. It was a fun course overall, but watching my students get excited about taking and using what they grew was absolutely the best part!

Hello, it's 4:49 pm and I just realized I managed to tear a hole in the crotch of my jeans at some point today. I've only gone to 3 meetings, class, and several other places so far. How's your Monday going?

I gave in to my morbid curiosity so you don't have to. The video section of LinkedIn is *bleak* and exactly what you think it is.

A few years ago, we dug up this giant sweet potato from the horticulture gardens on campus. I immediately turned it into a nightmare and started putting it in various classrooms. It was a good week.

How many vaccines do you think they'd be willing to give one person between now and, for no reason in particular, the end of January? ASKING FOR ALL OF US

Our Natural Resource Management department is across the atrium from me. They have several very nice taxidermy mounts that watch me grade exams and play minesweeper through my office window. Is that a FERPA violation? Please advise.