Did not expect my afternoon at work to be consumed by drama over vibrators* but here we are *the vibration function on a steamroller

3/4 members of the family have been hit and now I've got a norovirus Sword of Damocles hanging over my head

Setlist for murdering a bunch of 30something white girls on a dance floor: Cupid shuffle, electric slide, YMCA, Macarena, Pink Pony Club back to back My thighs are on fire

Day 1, Hour 2 of solo parenting weekend: the 3 year old is living down to every stereotype about her age that exists. She believes "independent play" is a crime against children. 5 year old wants nothing to do with his sister in this state and wants to make a chocolate cake from scratch at 8 AM

My professional vocabulary failed me today and I angrily told a contractor to unfuck something My boss and coworker who heard were like 😳😳

Boss: do you want me to be there for (contentious phone call with the contractor)? I think you've got it handled Me: I've got it- unless you hear me start cussing

My 3 YO decided she wanted to take sips of bathwater and spit them into a bottle and she perfectly mimicked the posture of a dude with a dip spit bottle 🤮

Thanking every possible deity that this didn't happen on the stretch of highway I am currently in charge of

Happy Friday to @envirojules.bsky.social and me

Jokes from the kindergartner: Hey mom, I know what 33 plus 34 is! Me: oh yeah? Him: sixty seven....siiiix seeeeven

A beautiful Mississippi morning to sit on the porch with the kids and drink tea ...with the sound of gunshots rolling across the hills from someone's backyard target practice at 7 AM

I'm not sure there's anything more simultaneously satisfying and frustrating than condensing hours of work into a simple, elegant final product

School receptionist: how can I help you? Me: uhh kindergarten starts next week and we have not been told of the start and end times???? Need to make childcare arrangements?? Her: oh you find that out at the open house the day before school starts IN WHAT WORLD IS <24 HOURS NOTICE ACCEPTABLE

Go away for a weekend and the garden explodes, it is known

Carpentry is my passion

Why am I cursed to always work with people who don't eat lunch??

Doing a work project this week where the contractor is emptying and discarding dozens of 5 gallon buckets, and it has awakened an atavistic desire in me to horde them like a dragon GIVE US THE FREE BUCKETS, PRECIOUSSS

Dear @moist.dad just called the dinner I made "really really good chow hall food (complimentary)" Made the parentheses with his hands and everything

"less K-pop demon fighting, more putting on pants please" - phrases I did not expect to be saying as a parent

Cooked the best lamb I've ever eaten with @moist.dad, opened a great bottle of red to go with it, and now I'm nursing a glass while watching my kids play in the rain while contemplating buying an unnecessary kei truck The world may be shit but right now on this front porch life is sublime

Gardener Julie: yay, another pop up midday rain shower, my plants are so happy!! Engineer Julie: can we stop this shit already, we can't repave the interstate in the rain

Is there a better single bite of dessert than hot fresh cobbler with cold vanilla ice cream? Not in my book. Local peaches and blueberries doing excellent work

I, who have lived with cats for most of my life, am somehow very allergic to miss Cocoa Puff Worth it

Me: so we just need to do processes A then B to finish up this project Contractor: um we are scheduled to do B before A, it should be fine tho Me: okay please send that to me in writing C: sure, np ... C: we have postponed process B and will be starting work on A on Monday

First garden veggies of the year - shishito peppers and extra thin "filet" green beans- turned into a delicious snack by blistering them and serving with garlic sherry aioli

The skin of my fingers is still burning after a 45 minute ride home and I have no regrets

Pleased to announce that little miss no-name-yet is negative for FIV and feline leukemia, so now I have no excuse but to introduce her to big sis Cinder

Poked myself in the eye while sneezing and scratched my cornea RIGHT over my pupil. Had to use ointment every night for years afterwards because otherwise the tear would reopen if I opened my eyes too fast upon waking up

I am deceased

I am so spoiled by his willingness to do the work to fabricate the perfect chicken cut

I am one (1) minor to moderate annoyance away from having a menty b today

Unexpected challenges of being a female engineer: trying to avoid overtly sexy poses while crawling around a 2 ft high workspace under a bridge

I recommended my friend to interview at my workplace and we made her an offer... at $2.25/hr LESS than her retail job And they wonder why we can't find smart people to hire

In addition to physical buttons for the major controls, every car should adopt the Mazda center console navigation wheel. You can move through complex menus by twisting and clicking with a lot more accuracy than stabbing at a screen with your finger

Really proud of the flower garden this week. Sweet peas for days!

Things I anticipated finding on the side of the highway during work trash pickup day: chip bags, drink bottles, beer cans, etc. Things I should have expected but wasn't ready for: bottles of piss, bags full of trucker feces

Today's rainstorm was a real frog strangler, a delightful Southernism I learned just last week

Love to be working for a state that gives me a day off in observance of Confederate Memorial Day

You get concrete in your hair ONE time and tell your two year old ONE time and apparently she will remember it forever as what Mommy does at work

They gave it to our *5 week old baby* when she was on a ventilator!

The construction foreman on my bridge repair project: my company will no longer allow us to walk across the interstate *long suffering sigh* Seems like a good policy to me, Larry

Eating a gluttonous amount of wings and queso for dinner is amazing right up until your kids want you to chase them around the house...

First cut flower of 2025!

At last my dumpling loves, we meet again Happy belated Lunar New Year from this Snake

My mouth and brain want chili vinegar wontons so badly but the rest of me doesn't have the energy to fold a couple dozen dumplings on a work night

also, allow yourself to feel some spiteful satisfaction about these motherfuckers taking a big fat fucking L on one of their most critical initiatives right out of the gate

as ever, there are a lot of steps in between a doddering old man announcing he wants to build steven miller a death camp for his birthday and it actually happening, and it is imperative that every single step have at least seventeen tripwires installed postehaste

First flower bud of the year, cut flower season 2025 begins in the next few days!

Walked past my son's room while @moist.dad was telling him a bedtime story and the only word I overheard was "thermoplastics"

Boss: your notes for that meeting were excellent, although I didn't add "contract administration said blah blah blah" or "Robby WTF" into the official minutes