Reminder that my new Special Late Bloomer available internationally to download & stream RIGHT NOW. It’s also available on DVD should you like tangible stuff. Did you see the show live & want to relive it? Did you miss it live & want to watch it? Do you just need a good laugh? sarahmillican.co.uk

@grok is it a good or bad thing when the richest man in the world helps pedophiles digitally undress minors?

Here’s a cool NYE thing: Set the countdown timer on your phone for 109 minutes and if you start it dead on 10:11pm the chimes will coincide exactly with the stroke of midnight!

This is cool as hell

London don’t you dare miss this rare chance

[breathing a sigh of relief as I carefully remove the poison, hammer, Geiger counter, and radioactive source before helping Tiny Tim out of the box]

Why does the little drummer boy fart after every line?

🎵 He’s making a list And checking it twice He’s washing his hands And re-checking the list This is so his parents Won’t die 🎶🎄

So deeply flattered that not only did @barackobama.bsky.social include comedians on his sounds of the year for the first time, he chose my work. Thank you, Mr President.

It's a shame Tony Montana died before he could show anyone his little friend

Order nachos on a first date to prepare them for something that starts great and ends in wet, floppy disappointment

My brand new Special, Late Bloomer, will be available to stream and download via my website TOMORROW and you can pre-order it now! Stream and Download from watch.sarahmillican.co.uk Buy the DVD and exclusive Late Bloomer merch from shop.sarahmillican.co.uk

Matt is one of my favourite people and one of the best in the business. Go see him if you enjoy laughing. If you don’t then probably don’t he won’t like that

In M&S buying jeans and wondering when they stopped selling old people clothes and started selling clothes for young hip people like myself

New tour dates! Full info and links at mattkirshen.com

Australia don’t stop with adults only. Treat social media like smoking. Ban it in the workplace — you have to go outside and post in the rain. Have PSAs “Ew I don’t want to kiss you, you’re a poster, you smell of thumbs.”

🚨ATTENTION 70s BRITISH IMPRESSIONISTS!!🚨 Michael Crawford is a Kennedy Center honoree. Time to dust off the beret. May I suggest “Ooh Bett-sy Ross” or “The cat’s done a whoopsie on the Oval Office seal of the President of the United States” It writes itself

Is it any and all sex with Hugh Hefner?

I take back everything I said about the #worldcupdraw and would watch a whole series of Wayne Gretzky pronouncing countries #TheGreatOne

Remarkable for an event that includes Donald Trump that the most racist thing in the #worldcupdraw is Kevin Hart’s lighting

Crumple zones are woke

I’d say Hello back before Scarface shot me

At the very least have your friend photoshop out the stink lines before uploading

Watched Bladerunner again last night. Would have been so much better if they had gone with the original idea, that instead of origami unicorns, Edward James Olmos’ character had made balloon animals. “It’s too bad she won’t live; but then again SQUEEEK-SQUEEEK-SQUEEEEEEK-SQUEEEEK Who does?”

It's cool how in the grand spirit of Silicon Valley reinventing things, Google has now come up with "guy in a bar guessing facts"

He’s definitely a polar bear

Good morning, Bluesky. My wife wishes to know why the #macysparade #santa is dressed as a leather daddy.

Bill Nighy the Actor Gighy

Vaxxed?

Such a fun show at the Ryman in Nashville with @sarahmillican.bsky.social. Here’s the backstage gang holding the custom printed poster the venue made.

I bet the other cowboys laughed at Jon Bon Jovi and his weird metal horse

Pre-order my new Special, Late Bloomer, NOW! watch.sarahmillican.co.uk Also available on DVD here hmv.com/store/film-t... Out on 15th Dec!

I’ve never played a Zelda game. If I wanted to, where should I start?

Hotel has a free sign you can hang on your belt

Anyone else remember Celebrity Traitors in 1995? What a series that was. Michael Parkinson, Gabrielle and Tim Curry as the Traitors. The unlikely friendship between Brian Moore and Art Malik. Mollie Sugden's fart. Adrian Moorhouse's eye-roll. All hosted by Eve Pollard.

This excellent piece should also be yelled at Keir Starmer

My first gig in Utah and it'll take some beating. Thank you to @sarahmillican.bsky.social's rocking audience, which included the lovely duo of Tan France and his husband Rob. My headline shows at Wiseguys are Jan 9 and 10. www.wiseguyscomedy.com/utah/salt-la...

St Louis you were great! Thanks @sarahmillican.bsky.social for having me open! I’ll be back at Helium Jan 14 st-louis.heliumcomedy.com/shows/339146

Excellent show with @sarahmillican.bsky.social in Minneapolis! Thanks all who came!

So fun, thanks Milwaukee!

Not to brag but I was selected to answer a brief customer survey after this call

Kids today don’t know the simple pleasure of watching a hard drive defrag

Matt tickets for Zanies in Jan www.etix.com/ticket/p/656...

Late Bloomer show 311. Brilliant crowd in Chicago tonight. Thanks for coming. My ace support is Matt Kirshen (grab a ticket for his show at Zanies on Jan 13th), my podcast is Standard Issue and mugs are via the USA shop on my website. Back again tomorrow, a few tickets available (via my website).

An insensitive backstage snack on this of all weekends

Chicago! I’m doing shows in you tonight and tomorrow. Who’s coming? There are a few tickets available for each show. Grab them via my website. sarahmillican.co.uk/late-bloomer...

This isn’t hard: the Nobel Prize for Best Song is just the music and lyrics while Best Record includes the production, recording and mixing.

All my comics have happy endings!

That little plane’s scarily close

Londoners! One of the very best, @garygulman.bsky.social is at the @sohotheatre.bsky.social all week sohotheatre.com/events/gary-...