Hockey, the way it was meant to be played.

My daughter heard me say "I fell in love 'head over heels'" and she said, "Daddy How come they don't say 'heels over head'?" I said, "That comes later."

Don’t worry, if Valentine’s Day doesn’t ruin your bank account, St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner—that’s when we celebrate alcoholism. i’m Irish, I’m already calling a bankruptcy attorney.

Valentine’s Day: a tender, candlelit, dopamine-fueled shakedown. If you need a designated day to say “I love you,” your relationship is already a dumpster fire, and no overpriced soufflé is gonna haul it out. #ValentinesDay

The greeting card companies, the florists, the chocolatiers—they got together like a cartel of emotional loan sharks and figured out how to turn love into a transaction. They turned “I love you” into “We take Visa.” ❤️ #ValentinesDay

"One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion. So now people assume that religion and morality have a necessary connection. But the basis of morality is really very simple and doesn't require religion at all." Arthur C. Clarke

“If a nation expects to be ignorant and free ... it expects what never was and never will be.” — Thomas Jefferson

You were always on point with the tough questions in that press room. I will be following you on Substack! You’re like the Dave Chappelle of news, not afraid to walk away when the network’s morals caved.

I dated a girl like the bi-polar weather in CA. I called her the “Ice Princess.” She’d be happy in the morning. When I’d come home at night, before I went in, I’d touch the front door with my tongue. If it stuck, I’d stay at the neighbor’s.

We all have moments when kindness feels distant, but a reminder like this can spark a quiet warmth. Here’s to finding those beautiful surprises waiting in your Saturday.”

Isn’t that the truth

😊

“To be distracted from one thing is to attend to another.” Social media is just the newest distraction. We’ve been distracted from each other since the iron stove. According to this piece from the New Yorker. link.newyorker.com/view/5c155a7...

How to write 1-liners like Steven Wright. 1. Grab 10-20 single subject idioms. 2. Find the paradoxes. “They said I need a nest egg, then they said don’t put all your eggs in one basket. So do I need a nest or a basket? I feel like the chicken is fucking with my retirement.”

i think the executive orders directing agencies to end energy efficiency regulations and open up more land to drilling and mining is so indicative of the character of the american right — in its view everything, whether people or our larger environment, is something to be exploited and dominated

This is who I’ll be thinking of tomorrow. Not some goddamn traitor’s return to the scene of his crime…..

Who would say this?

Nice example of George Carlin’s philosophy of finding the unassailable truth. Just look one or two layers deeper into the story and there lies the hypocrisy.

My oldest son is 31, when he was in Grammar school they decided that they weren’t going to teach cursive. I was like how are they going to learn how to read important documents. The principal was like what important documents? I was like, “I don’t know, maybe like the Declaration of Independence.”

The National Archives is looking for volunteers with an increasingly rare skill: Reading cursive.

Why would they want to put America (and Americans) First when their voting record clearly shows they want their neighbors to either die a horrible death, lose everything they own, or both? meidasnews.com/news/44-repu...

He’s probably going for an insurance scam too. What a joke. Meanwhile actor Steve Guttenberg helped his neighbors www.usatoday.com/videos/enter...

Thank you to Canada for helping California right now. You are wonderful and good people. 🇨🇦

Huge gratitude for our neighbors, Mexico and Canada have sent fire fighters and army to help us.

Great arial footage of the tenacious fire crews holding the line overnight, keeping the #PalisadesFire from coming into the Valley. youtu.be/uaV9d1ZsWPc?...

Perry, the miniature donkey who inspired Eddie Murphy’s “Shrek” character, has died

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic. Me: But my name isn't David. Doctor: I know. I'm David.

Why do my cats pose for photographs like they’re 18th-century aristocracy?

Comedian Steven Wright was one of the only comedians to be asked back to The Tonight Show a week after his first appearance. 65 Funny One-Liner Jokes by Steven Wright - Inspiration to Write youtu.be/RcwzSGH3tf4

Pros Use Comedy Structure. Amateurs Don’t. Pros Use Structure Amateurs Don't

Pros use Structure in their comedy. Here’s Seinfeld using I congruity.

@lylyhan.bsky.social Thank you for the follow.

This is pretty funny.

The biggest complaint about using structured jokes in your stand-up act is that it sounds formulaic. That has nothing to do with the structure itself. It has to do with the performance. Bill Burr plays the emotional intent of the joke. But the structure is still an analogy.

american schools: on the first thanksgiving, the pilgrims and native americans shared dinner to celebrate their peaceful coexistence in the new world 😊 me: that sounds nice! what happened next? american schools: uhhhhhhh. dessert

@rpierson383.bsky.social Many thanks for the follow back! 🎉🥳🤩

Writing good comedy takes work, but with knowledge and practice it doesn’t have to be that hard. Start by isolating a single line, create an expected ending (imagery perhaps), then shatter that image. “I have the fingers of a concert pianist… in my freezer.”

Principles like: “No person is above the law” “Justice delayed is justice denied.” “The rule of law prevails.” “The law applies equally to all.” “A nation of laws, not of men.” Are now just bullshit.

"Daddy, look at this picture I drew in the sand." I said, "That's amazing honey. How did you get the said to have such detail?" She said, "I used this stick." I said "How did you get the sand to look so life-like?" She said, "I used water." I said, "How did you get the sand in the living room?"

Don’t have ChatGPT write your jokes. It’s not creative. It scrapes already written content. Use it as a writing assistant to put your writing on steroids while not being accused of plagiarism. www.standupcomedyclinic.com/ethically-us...

“Thinking is hard. That’s why most people judge.” — Carl Jung

What really should make people uncomfortable about the changing of their long held beliefs? Principles like: “No person is above the law” “Justice delayed is justice denied.” “The rule of law prevails.” “The law applies equally to all.” “A nation of laws, not of men.” Are now just bullshit.

@teetheresaroets.bsky.social Thanks for the swift follow back! 🎉🥳

When George Carlin told me “I know with 98% accuracy a joke is funny before I step on stage,” I had to know that too. I’ve explored this craft deeply for 30 years. And it’s more science-based, than I ever imagined. Which makes it a teachable skill. 🔥🎉😍

@teetheresaroets.bsky.social Hi Theresa. I’m following from twitter. I found you based on the handle you shared. So it works! 😃