Guessing the rumours flying around tonight about Trump are just rumours, but one day they won't be, so might as well start planning your outfit now.

If we all get nuked before Cheap Chocolate Monday I am gonna be SO fucked off, I swear to God.

Something I’ve noticed from arguing with MAGA twats about Iran is that they often equate body count in a conflict with victory, like it’s Call of Duty. I’m wondering, though, if this is a longer-standing mentality that might explain why America keeps losing wars.

Really digging the new Sunn0))).

If the EU really wanted to troll us they'd insist we put "Easter" on the marmalade.

Saw a guy at Panopticon the other night with the best battle jacket. In true black metal festival flyer style, it had all the bands you’d expect in black and white, with Party Cannon in colour.

Culturally, Fridays are weird. You have Good Friday, which is about sacrifice, Black Friday, which is about cheap tellies, and Friday 13th, which is about spree killing. Honestly, of all the days of the week, it sends the most mixed signals.

For the love of God please stop saying "this isn't an airport, there's no need to announce your departure". An airport is quite possibly the place with the LEAST need to announce your departure that actually exists. They have screens, and people who are literally paid to do that.

She's right, Brian. You've been a massive fucking cunt here and it's what's going to end up exposing Ruari's secret. #TheArchers

Sleeping Beauty: Kissing without consent is assault and you should be jailed Prince Charming: Oh shit she’s woke

OK, this pun popped up from someone else in an entirely unrelated pub conversation, but... like, the only way I reckon you could beat Feminazgul for an all-woman black metal band name would be Blasphemale. Come on, ladies, fucking do it. I'll definitely buy merch.

Finally convinced a friend to play Midnight Suns (one of the best and most underrated games of the current gen) and it turns out she absolutely loves it. Which is good, she’d probably have killed me otherwise.

You know those old stories where a King gets an architect to build a palace and then blinds him so he can't do it again? How about as soon as someone creates a groundbreaking new piece of tech we put them in prison so they can't keep fucking with it until it's unusable?

Now we've got AI making music that gets listened to by AI to make imaginary money, it's starting to look like Threatyn was really ahead of the curve. And he did it all through genuine human creativity. I think the world was too harsh on him.

Not having a dog anymore means audiobooks take AGES. Only just finished the last John Connolly and he’s got another one out next month.

Imagine if Banksy was really Chuck Tingle.

Another way our attention span is being destroyed is the use of AI on social media, because most of the time you see a really long post it wasn’t written by a human, so I’ve started actively avoiding large pieces of text. And that can’t be good.

Love when Melanie Phillips and the Great Replacement twats (currently riding high in the hit parade, pop pickers!) go on about “Londonistan” or “Englandistan”, because I can’t think of anything more English than calling your capital “Stan”. Except maybe calling it “Sid”.

Firing your Army Chief of Staff mid-war is quite weird, but what’s weirder is that as far as I know “Randy George” wasn’t in the Epstein files.

Tolkien and Pynchon should have collaborated on a musical.

Did Trump even mention freeing the Iranian people in his address?

I'd be really shit in Mission Control. I'd just be like "you mad cunts!!! Copy" the whole time.

earth: hey just fyi they are shooting for you down here the moon: what earth: yeah it’s like a thing with the humans, they are constantly shooting for you the moon: is this why that cow came up here

I’m probably going to get younger and smarter soon

Bit jelly tbh. Nobody will ever have been as far away from Jeremy Clarkson as the Artemis II crew.

Neubauten live stream's being repeated now if anyone who wanted to see it missed it... on their YouTube channel and website, though if this afternoon's anything to go by the website'll be overloaded.

Gotta say, even apart from the fact that I like Polanski, it’s refreshing to see a politician just telling the right-wing press to fuck off instead of trying to pacify them. It might not work, but nobody’s really tried it before, so it’d be good to know.

Just watched the Neubauten anniversary live stream. That was awesome.

Best thing about Death Stranding 2 having come out on Steam recently is that social media is now full of a whole NEW bunch of people who just got emotionally devastated by the ending.

The trouble with April Fools Day in 2026 is that in ye olden dayes a newspaper would print a joke in the morning, you’d forget it by midday and eat chips out of it tomorrow. Whereas now it’ll be added to the constant flow of misinformation and will keep showing up for years.

We need to find out who stole the KitKats and send them after Once Upon A Time In Shaolin.

Beware the Fish Of April.

Really enjoyed The Carpenter's Son. Cage was great. The bits where he gets to Cage out are the bits where, to be honest, anyone would under the stress of being Jesus's dad.

I know they've never mentioned it, but I feel in my soul that Tom is really, really impressed by AI. #TheArchers

Two years after GamerGate began, Harambe was murdered. Coincidence?

You know when it’s Christmas and you can’t find your Christmas jumper because you haven’t worn it for a year? I just found my Neurosis t-shirt (which I haven’t worn since all the Scott Kelly shit) because ‘tis the season.

“Glastonbury-style dancing” is the new “sexual swearwords”.

Werner Herzog eats his shoe and it becomes a classic short film. Matt Goodwin eats his Brexit book and goes on to become even more reviled. Yet again it’s one rule for visionary filmmakers and another for twats.

Surf Nazis Must Die is PURE CINEMA. Honestly not sure whether to be impressed or disappointed with myself about how much of the dialogue I remembered, because it's been like over 25 years since I last sat down and watched it.

So how many seasons into the Harry Potter series do we reckon it’ll be before the kids are old enough to Have Opinions and come out for trans rights? Or is Not Doing That gonna be in their contracts? And would that even be legal?

I was today years old when I learned that Woodkid, who I only discovered through his amazing music on Death Stranding 2, directed the video for Lana Del Rey's Born To Die.

Matt Goodwin's pathological inability to take responsibility for any of his own failures has now made me imagine him pissed on the top deck of a night bus yelling "ALRIGHT THEN WHICH ONE OF YOU CUNTS SHAT MY PANTS???"

Matt Goodwin is the Naomi Wolf of Alan Patridges.

Extensive footnotes for a joke book that all just say “yeah, this never happened”.

At this rate Matt Goodwin's going to end up failing at more things than Laurence Fox by next year. (This is a projection based on the assumption Laurence Fox won't try doing any new things in the next twelve months).

RIP Sora, you would have loved eating shit.

There has to be a maximum acceptable level of politeness. Like, saying "thank you" to the bus driver is nice, but only a monumental twat claps when the plane lands (unless it nearly didn't). There must somewhere be a line that shouldn't be crossed.

Number One is a wee. Number Two is a poo. Number Six is when you get locked in the toilet wearing a blazer.

The funniest part about the confected (c wut i did thar?) outrage about Cadbury's removing "Easter" from their Easter eggs isn't even the fact that Cadbury's haven't removed "Easter" from their Easter eggs, it's that George Cadbury was a Quaker.

Matt Goodwin's blocked me too now. I don't think he liked "EAT THE BOOK MATTHEW. EAT THE FUCKING BOOK".