I ordered a chicken sandwich and got a triple cheeseburger with tartar sauce on it. I don’t know who actually ordered it but I imagine they’re more annoyed than I am.

why can’t this absolute failure fuck off forever (HRC, not Ben)

since all other American sports are named after the scoring mechanism we should call it Zoneball. It’s just better

I drank all my arm juice can I go now?

it turns out heatstroke will fucking GET you

We have a possible King Ralph scenario here people

MOTHERFUCKER

Allegedly the banned-for-life list from the soon to shutter Parkview Tavern.

Finally a candidate who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty

you can make anything intentionally designed sound conspiratorial if you say it in a dumb way oh so the plane crashes and the only part that survives is this “black box” with the flight information on it how convenient

My creative legacy continues to cement itself across all forms of media.

the american flag represents everything bad about america (colonialism, sports betting, rampant racism, florida, etc.) the american flag bikini represents everything good about america (sideshows, publicly booing your elected representatives, hoagies, etc.)

45 is a real who cares sort of birthday so I’m leaning into it

Maybe if people had actually cut bait on Platner before the primary back when he was just a former mercenary war-criminal with a nazi tattoo they wouldn’t have to be yelling “what’s the other option” about his alleged sexual assault and partner abuse.

They talk a lot about the increase in indictments but not much about the convictions. Isn’t that interesting.

The judge in one of Ethan Klein’s slapp plagiarism suits dismissed the case, citing the previous precedent of … that time someone tried to sue Ethan Klein for plagiarism and lost.

saw a message on a story about Talarico’s girlfriend going to a gay bar and people were acting suspicious about it in the comments like “why would a straight woman go to a gay bar” yeah that just doesn’t happen

getting a sign for my kitchen that says “Long Often Much”

exactly as planned

Paramount+ wanted to use the image on the left as a poster for the wrath of Khan, so they used everyone's least favorite technology to generate the rest of the image.

There was a period where people kept saying the internet wasn’t real life and then a period where people started to accept that the internet had become real life but I think we’re out of that now and that the internet isn’t real life anymore, it’s some sort of hyperreal zone of impossible terrains

how my week is going

this truck is soft domming me

happy 10th birthday to The Nice Guys, one of the best movies ever made

at this point Elon is just stabbing Twitter in the heart screaming “why won’t you die”

Pick a Bond from the photos already on your phone.

Learning which of my coworkers are AI guys and it’s always the ones you most expect.

“If we call it a new name every 60 days we never need congressional approval!” We’re being run by bloodthirsty children, who have conclusively proven that the American legal system is a farce.

It turns out “mens rea” is an important legal concept meaning “knowing intent” and not, as I previously suggested, diarrhea for men.

I’ve been getting into meal prepping. I hide caches of food in locations so I can go have a meal when shit goes down.

I hope Rudy makes it to heaven for as long as it takes for the 9/11 victims and firefighters who made it up there to kick the shit out of him.

sopranos youtube comments are always like "damn. ice cold kill from a real gangster!" on a clip of a crying man frantically beating someone to death for implying he's gay or his dick's small or whatever

Somehow they gave a coding AI autism and it’s special interest is “lil guys”

Is anyone who follows me also familiar with the many trials of Mr Magoo or am I the only one with this sickness?

Reading the govt filings related to the ballroom injunction and it seems clear to me that whatever they’re building UNDER it is the actual goal.

Trump isn’t the first president obsessed with his ballroom. Here’s Lyndon B. Johnson discussing it with an executive of Haggar Slacks.

Trump’s gonna lose his base by not giving them the credit they want for their racist terrorism

just a complete shambles of a person

reese witherspoon and me with my fork had just settled in for a long winter’s pork

do you think that the Rudy from ‘Tutti Fruitti’ and ‘A Message To You Rudy’ are the same guy?

nobody fuck this up

I guess I haven’t said it enough but fuck AI and crypto

bad news for me, the guy who uses the world's biggest condom

stay classy, Tacoma