like at ALL!!!!!!

im not okay im Not okay!!! im NOT okay

stop bpd girl. bpd girl don't look at clearsky. open youtube and search "japanese ferret cute", bpd girl.

the internet is such a weird place

anyways, rant over

same goes for projects, honestly,,,, most people who love your works stay silent, never leaving a trace for fear of stepping that parasocial line. you'll probably never know your biggest fans or how much impact you and your works have on people.

to think that people can care in that way. that people send their friends the art you repost and that you might introduce them to something they love. without them even knowing or even ever having interacted with you the internet is so weird, that you can have an impact on someone you'll never meet

its kind of parasocial but it's kind of a nice thought, i think.

if you're posting on the internet, there's likely someone who feels your presence. who gets excited to see the things you retweet and gets upset when you struggle and is relieved when you say things are better a person whose taste in art and life is partially shaped by you without you ever knowing

i will always love you

i NEED to draw butterfly aeffect fanart

i've always been horrible

i wish i'd jumped off when i had the chance. i don't deserve the people in my life. not that they'll keep me around for much longer

fuck. i'm just pushing you two even further away by posting all this, aren't i? hurting you again

to leave your mark

to see me spiral and push away and hurt everyone around me

to observe my lack of awareness of it

to see how it begins to shape my form

to see how may little cuts you can make

isn't it fun

to see how close you can get to me before pushing me off the bridge. and how many times you can do it before you cut the cord bringing me back

that's why you keep me in your life, right? i just described myself, after all.

a girl so unnotable that you could get away with hurting her in any kind of way and nobody would care. no matter how loud she'd scream

you could even kill me. either of you

how much you see me suffering and how much you want to respond by hurting me and seeing me respond like a kicked puppy

how much you want to

how much you hate me

you know it too, don't you?

everyone's going to leave me. all i'm doing by talking about it here is making the few people that know about this account leave faster

i have no prospects i'm a selfish asshole with no empathy for others i expect everyone else to do everything for me i do almost nothing for others and the reason people get with me is to hurt me for fun or because they feel bad

i'm just gonna get worse and worse and fall further and spiral faster and i don't know what to do

what's wrong with me

butterfly aeffect is so fucking good but god i'm such a shitty fucking person

i should just enjoy being around my friends before they abandon me

ugh. whatever

i swear i want to kill myself so badly that i don't know what to do other than subconsciously seek that cycle of abuse. like trauma kink is the HEALTHY way for me

and now i'm mostly at the end of it and it left me with a husk of myself with too many trauma kinks and as a broken enough person for people to like me genuinely without hiding myself

but i was in that cycle of abuse for so long. if we start from dad i was in it actively for about 10-11 years

i'm so lucky apple is good to me, gosh,, she really did get me out of that cycle of abuse >.<

and maybe i wouldn't get abused so often if abusers didn't tend to be my type

maybe i wouldn't have such a hard time meeting people if i was more normal. or more likable, in general

why can't i just be normal ugh

conditionally useful #butterflyaeffect

(3/3)

(2/3)

injection day (repost) (1/3)

the lists they've been collecting. so i think that was what the nightmare eas was about

whispering in the background, and you couldn't make out what the alert was for. and then we hid in our room but there were people there who were after apple and maybe me as well, and when i woke up i had this sudden fear about an EAS alert announcing that ICE will start killing trans people based on

had a weird dream that turned into a nightmare,,,, apple was taller than me (i think i was shorter?) and she was holding me close and was feeding me a happy meal. and it felt really nice and safe and i wish it never ended but then the most horrifying EAS alarm came out of her phone with quiet