Really happy that my Trump loving brother will be visiting in a few weeks. Can't wait, one might say hashtag blessed

all the trees in my yard unfortunately exploded

“I asked chatgpt” Yeah? Well I asked the bees and they said they’d been told your brain is already dead

I hate that every recipe starts with: "Ah, crepes. It puts me in mind of a tale from my youth in the south of France. In this essay, I will-

I don't like to give away my recipe secrets, but I will say that the secret to a great pancake mix is to add a dash of cinnamon and 25 Africanized bees

In the French dub of Twin Peaks, they say that Dale Cooper likes strawberry cheesecake instead of cherry pie. I feel like someone needs to be sued over this

After each post I make here, the hooded ones seal me in my sarcophagus, locked away until the moment the world needs another bad pun, and then I rise once more

It's not true Dubai chocolate unless it came from the Dubai region of France

Great. Now I’ll never get to sleep.

It's 2026 where I am, and to anyone still in the past: things aren't any better

Celebrating new years eve by battling a huge (and I mean HUGE) roach. There was a casualty (my broom) and the suspect escaped custody, whereabouts unknown

My new year's resolution is that I'll try not to put black widow spiders in the coffee cups of strangers anymore. I give myself 5 days before I break the resolution

Superhero movies are too WOKE if you ask me. These characters use their superpowers to fight crime instead of using them to invest in crypto more efficiently, give me a break

I made a gotdang Christmas cake. I'll report back tomorrow on any fatalities it causes. Happy Christmas one and all!

In french, you'd say "le labubu". What an age we live in

I have a novel idea for a sitcom, ready? Two people who are VERY different somehow find themselves living together. An odd couple, if you will

Maybe I don't want to up n' at 'em. Maybe I just want to down n' quite far away from 'em.

"Beware of the flask seal" Frankly, I'd prefer there to be no dangerous beasts in my drinking apparatus but maybe I'm asking too much

I've landed a job where a big part of it involves playing video games to capture screenshots and such and bam, just like that... Playing games seems like a chore. Human brains are amazing

I'm at a hospital and I saw, and you won't believe this, a door reading Dr. Pickles

Why are my posts so expensive? 1) maintaining a studio for draping (flou) & a studio for tailoring (tailleur) 2) all emeralds ethically sourced 3) trips to the Bodleian 4) hand-stitching on bias cut point d’esprit 5) the exorbitant cost of eel 6) knife skills/braising Hope that helps.

I'm not one to toot my own horn, which is why I was booted from the orchestra

As a kid, I wished I could be Spider-Man. I'm finally living out that dream on account of the fact that I may not make rent by the end of the month

When people say "we all wear masks" they usually mean it metaphorically but not me. I'm wearing my Batman mask to this business merger

If you ask me, movies are getting too WOKE. I mean, a talking pig in the big city? Give me a break

Make a strong impression on anyone named Megan by pronouncing their name so it rhymes with "vegan"

I’m an empath (get really sad when all the heist guys kill each other at the beginning of The Dark Knight)

I'll pluck a flower for every regret and leave this field barren and grey in my wake

I was the only critic brave enough to give an honest review of my 2 year old nephew's "drawing" of a "lion" and like many of the great critics, I'm being persecuted

progress is like two steps forward, three steps back, one step forward, 397 steps back, four steps forward, 526 steps back,

I hope I never hate anything as much as old timey animators hated cats

The Wicker Man is the worst superhero ever

I coulda really been somebody if only it weren't for my general vibe

100 days. Andry, a gay asylum seeker from Venezuela, turned to my country to escape persecution for who he was & what he believed. He was sent, instead, without due process, to an El Salvadoran terrorist prison & allowed no contact with anyone. He must be freed &, at long last, free. freeandry.org

Guuurl are you an angel? Because you look biblically accurate

Accidentally hired the new Harrison Fjörd movie and it's just 4 hours of a man ice fishing to classical music

"This town IS big enough for the both of us." -Cowboy proposal

I finally got to watch Nosferatu and let me just say: more like Nosferaten out of ten amirite, haha. I liked the movie

One day, you wake up and suddenly feel a desire to call movies "pictures"

Café. Woman on her flip phone haltingly texting with all sounds on. Each key makes a different tone. It’s like sharing space with a damaged bird & also I’m worried that the phone is summoning the past. Like when I look up it will be the first episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

On the one hand, I've finally learned what a trade deficit is today. On the other, I learned it to understand the global machinations of a madman

You have a Bluesky notification. It's under a mossy rock beneath that tree with a face carved into it that bleeds sap from its eyes every crescent moon

Don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and ignore the low, gravelly voice that whispers your name from your closet at 3AM

Is this excitement, anxiety or caffeine? I never know, I continue to be a mystery to myself

Got goat-fished on a dating app again (she was a goat the whole time)

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Sorry i bumped into you i was too busy counting the legs on a seagull

read the sign poindexter, it says no nerds

Who will invest in my business idea of a reverse Uber Eats where you order an apex predator to be delivered to your door to devour you whole?