Who would have thought that the value of a bird is so dependent on whether they're in your hand or a bush. The economy is weird

Seems weird to me that America has a holiday dedicated to a 1996 Will Smith film, but who am I to judge

If you hear someone pronounce Mario as "Marry-oh" then you are allowed to perform a citizen's arrest

You can have a billion dollars IF you say the word 'écureuil' and have your pronunciation approved by a Parisian

The problem is the sun dissolves my bones & will to live & I turn into the most melancholy Tennessee Williams character.

I learned a great new French phrase. If you wanna say "Are you fuckin' kidding me?" all classy-like, say: "Tu te fous de ma gueule."

I always find it funny when someone has to begin a letter or email to someone they hate with "Dear"

rapunzel's hair suffering the effects of climb-it change

I know it's not politically correct to say this these days, but when people say "no pun intended," they almost always did intend it. They went out of their way to use that pun. I'm sick of the lies

A freelancer on Upwork ended their review for a client with: "Is this company a circus? Because this guy is a clown!" Beautiful, no notes

You gotta love being ghosted by a client who owes you $200. Living the dream, hashtag livelovelaugh

Call me old fashioned, but I consider it a red flag if someone knows even one way to skin a cat

People in Metropolis act like they've never seen a bird or a plane before smh

People I match with on dating apps are not into answering my riddles three

8 hobbits is called a hobbyte

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it do your taxes for you, not unless you want it riddled with errors

who called it a territorial dispute and not ground beef

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid to announce that this speech will contain some further ado

I started hissing like a forest vampire in response to my fellow tenants declaration that I should get with the times and use AI to help write my stories

I need advice for a first date: how many hours should I devote to discussing my personal James Bond movie rankings with her?

MJM (crying while slicing an onion, to onion): You will rue this day. You will wish you had never met me. Never crossed me. Never emerged from the dirt with big dreams of the city.

If I ever post anything positive about biopics then you'll know I'm under duress and signaling for help

Business idea: just sell hotcakes instead of something that would rival the sales numbers of hotcakes

I'm watching a DVD, just like the pioneers of yore

I watched Mother! for the first time and it was basically: The Audacity- The Movie

I gotta lay low until this "it was me who reset and disabled my landlord's modem and then pretended I knew nothing about it" thing blows over

I’m not going to get into details, & I know how this sounds, but I’m absolutely sure that my sunscreen is haunted.

Excuse me, Mr. Manager, this happens to be my emotional support Africanized bee

So something fun happened today

I think this digital alarm clock I bought is a knock-off; it claims it's 16:32 o'clock. Nice try, criminals, I know there are only 12 hours in a day

The only way my posts could be more pointless is if someone made live action remakes of them

Sometimes it's lonely to be the only person on the planet who doesn't like the Kpop Demon Hunters soundtrack, but I'll walk this forsaken path with my head held high

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS: sharpen the zig, sharpen the zag staircase full of petticoat fluffers chest like a pillow & a face like a wolf & THAT’S a Bratislava goodbye one eye on the flapjacks, one eye on the bellhop g-g-g-g-g-gong it! blah blah blah & your zipper’s undone Julius your Caesar 😉

My hair is long enough now that I have a way to hide from the problems of the world whenever I want

Someone should make a new Robocop movie but make it a satire this time

I know this is a hot take that no one has ever had, but I hate tax. Sorry, I know you didn't sign up for such caustic declarations

Life would be so much better if my posts had a laugh track

It should be illegal for me to not be able to afford the new Resident Evil game. Please write your local congressman

Well folks, ya boi is officially in Breakupville. I have chips and dip at least

I'm still convinced that the people who claim to enjoy ASMR are a part of a global conspiratorial prank against me

I need a lawyer to help me draft a cease and desist letter to my dad regarding sending me AI Facebook videos

I've learned 595 German words on duolingo, so now I can say important stuff like "The witch eats schnitzel in the forest" and "Your snail is smart but very ugly."

I went onto Twitter out of morbid curiosity for 5 minutes and now I need a long shower and an exorcist

So pale that if I wore just a soupçon of rouge & a white Pierrot outfit your great aunt would mistake me for a ceramic doll & attempt to put me in a glass cabinet.

all the trees in my yard unfortunately exploded

“I asked chatgpt” Yeah? Well I asked the bees and they said they’d been told your brain is already dead

I hate that every recipe starts with: "Ah, crepes. It puts me in mind of a tale from my youth in the south of France. In this essay, I will-

I don't like to give away my recipe secrets, but I will say that the secret to a great pancake mix is to add a dash of cinnamon and 25 Africanized bees

In the French dub of Twin Peaks, they say that Dale Cooper likes strawberry cheesecake instead of cherry pie. I feel like someone needs to be sued over this

After each post I make here, the hooded ones seal me in my sarcophagus, locked away until the moment the world needs another bad pun, and then I rise once more