it fucks me up that referees can book managers people in the stands etc. like you're supposed to stay in the pitch?? where does their jurisdiction end

if a cop pulls a guy over for drink driving but when he rolls down the window the dude has four (4) working arms. do you think he's more concerned with the drinking or the dude having 4 whole arms

the day formerly known as Tuesday

i think i'm having a heart relax

🎸🎶 there is, a horse, in new orleans

A microwave is used for reheating items, typically microwaves.

Frankenstein is in cinemas? Awful. He should be in prison!

BALIFF (placing my hand on bible): do you solemnly swear to drink responsibly, always read the label, and when the fun stops, stop ME: i do

sometimes when i go to the toilet to poo i have to stay there for an hour and it really hurts #IVoted

today i think i will make it as a wise man

To a pro hockey player, sidewalks and normal shoes are completely alien. The ice and the skates are home to them.

i could easily give birth to a gorilla. but that ant thing is cool i guess

still on windows 10 because my computer won't run win11 and i'm broke. so if anyone wants to send me any trojan horses or malicious viruses now's the time

just fucking relapsed. fuck my life #CryingOverSpilledMilkAnonymous

Why is Dracula lowkey scary tho 🤷😂

i bet pilots get chills when the controller says "you are cleared for takeoff". that shit gotta hit even after 15 years

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I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar!

love how all showers have a "LOW PRESSURE" light like i know what that means or what to do when it turns on

Holy sh*t! Will Smith just slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars!

It's so fucked up how looks can be the sea thing.

put enough beers in a 30-something white guy and they'll talk like what happened to arctic monkeys was a murder of a close relative

When hosting any event, be sure that your guests know in advance what the worm situation will be. Will there be worms at the event, should they bring their own worms to the event, etc.

what if there was an epic quote: multiverse god angel death love in every universe king throne yearn stars kneel grasp

a fool and his money are hoof hearted

please... my son, he [i hand you a child bundled in my arms that's also clipping through my torso] he has perspective errors

PRINCIPAL: i'm... sorry to tell you this ma'am, but... we caught your son making aesthetic liminal space posts about empty cartoon backgrounds WOMAN: he wouldn't do that! [standing up, screaming] my son wouldn't fucking do that!!

Looking to beat the summer heat? Get your game on with the Xbox Game Pass. With 1000s of games across Xbox One, Xbox Series S/X and Windows, there's no better time to buy. #ThisIsXbox

Once you've been to the dentist you'll never stop wanting to beat the Tooth Fairy to death with your bare hands.

My Shemical Gomance

Nah I couldn’t make it. There was a ship blocking the suez canal

did you guys see will smith slapped chris rock at the coldplay concert 😮

tolkien, wondering how his good guys would stave hunger on their trip to the bad guy: uhhhhhhhh they ate the eternal cracker. the cracker of never get hungry millions of nerds: [crying] what a literary genius

[ishmael at the start of moby dick if he was called hubert] Call me Hubert.

[transported to world where cadbury's never existed and thus did not build years of nostalgia for their wrapper designs] ME [looking at unopened fudge bar]: this fucking sucks

If you're a kid who's into horses, you probably do or think about something horse-related just about every waking moment.

aesop was a pretty good writer but he squandered it all on stupid animal fables. he should have written about a plain teenage girl who discovers her incredible powers and saves the abandoned city while courting two handsome boys

Tomming Jerry

camel-cultist

[guy who's afraid of fireworks but indifferent to gunshots] guys are those fireworks i'm hearing 😟

An athlete is someone who partakes in sports, typically athletics.

i can't explain it but. driving home for christmas doesn't feel Exclusively Christmas to me? like obviously it's a christmas song but i feel you can listen to it any time. it's untethered

i love making ideas but haaate executing them. give me all imagination without any effort! eww my concept has a result in it 🤢

Rancid Prince of Bel-Air

i would get so fucking upset if my love life went DOA.

i love crossovers but i fucking haaate gameplay. give me all collabs and no gameplay! eww my multi-franchise has a gameplay in it 🤢

been really getting into things that don't matter lately. watching sports matches and not even cheering for anyone just taking in the vibes

BARTENDER: 1 whiskey? no problem man. and how would you like it? HOZIER [giving knowing look to camera]: