At this point it’s funny how many buttons on my remote there are to take you directly to defunct streaming services

You hoes better watch out. I have a cordless glue gun and a can do attitude

Yall ever think about the fact that the body can sometimes fuck up and grow a tumor full of hair and teeth on your ass, ovaries, or balls. I hope you think about it now.

Fascinated by the existence of these probably ai generated puns that have no coherence or punchline

Pleased to announce that after 15 or so years of therapy and medication, if I ever mention my anxiety to someone they say “what?? You don’t seem that anxious!”

Private nightmares is sooooo sexy I love the concept of your gm representing your inner monster and helping establish your internal monologue and yes maybe I just want Alex ward to cup my chin and tell me to commit atrocities

I want tardigrades to get the brine shrimp treatment. I want to be able to buy their eggs at a scholastic book fair and keep them as pets

Just got to experience a businessman desperately trying to get a rental scooter to work while his coworkers watched on sadly, gave up, and called an uber

Shoutout to the tv show, I’m not even watching it but my dad is asking me fallout lore questions and I feel like I’ve been training for this my whole life

Not enough people are talking about how cute my jumpsuit is

Mollymaukers in the house tonight

i made some desk job affirmations to get me through the day

“Slammed down big style” gotta be one of the best running d20 jokes

Gave money to a panhandler and his only words to me were “you should dye your hair a darker shade of red. Remember that” okay.

Not to be anti Gen Z but I cannot stand the trend of wearing a button up shirt with ONLY the top button done

You're absolutely right – this actually *isn't* a place of honor. * I thought esteemed deeds were commemorated here, but that was wrong. * The message wasn't about treasure, it was about danger. That's on me. * I won't sugarcoat it – the danger is still present, and now it's in your body.

Just heard someone as a business analyst panel use the term “success by 1000 cuts”

Found out oat milk can in fact go bad. Please pray for me and my tummy

> I get lots of solicitors > I put up no soliciting sign > doorbell rings > surely it’s not a solicitor, who would do that despite the sign? It is my birthday after all, maybe it’s a surprise delivery! > it’s a solicitor

Ivory doesn’t grow on trees but it does grow on pachyderms

I’ve been at this bar for two hour and they’ve played over 15 doechii songs this is the best day of my life. Unless you count the fact that the tv has played 3 different adman Sandler movies

I tried to use an “ultrasonic/uv” retainer cleaning machine to cure some resin and it did absolutely nothing, i think it’s just a slightly blue lightbulb 😬

One time my cat had a hairball and my ex cleaned the hardwood floor with furniture polish because it had a picture of wood on the can. We could not walk on that section of the floor in socks without slipping for weeks.

(To the tune of love shak) bugsnax

Not saying I have the cutest cat ever but coworkers do ask where she is whenever I join a virtual meeting and she isn’t immediately visible

I think I’d make a great dad because I had no desire to put my body through any stress or actually change my lifestyle in order to be a positive role model but I do think it’s really funny when my cat yawns and I stick my finger in her mouth as a little joke

It’s so painful seeing someone you love start caring about magic the gathering.

Hey do you wanna see what spent my day making

Heartbreaking: met a friend at a bar this weekend and saw a group playing blood on the clocktower, didn’t join in, have now spent several hours watching people play it on YouTube and I’m mad I missed out

“I’m not a big fan of the government” -vegeta

Rewatching EXU calamity and damn. Still some of the best to ever do it

love having Job

answered the door (my first mistake) and it turned out to be someone peddling home security so I kept the glass door closed and told them I have the flu (actually true) and he still said “what would be a good day for me to come back?” “There isn’t one” (disappointed sigh) “are you s-” (Shuts door)

At this point I pretty much only listen to the naming of the year episode of mbmbam just to let it set the tone

It should be illegal to be mean to me while I’m on my period

Of course I get my heart broken right before my deductible gets reset for the new year and now therapy is going to be more expensive

Noticed my cat being suspiciously silent and staring at a corner she doesnt normally sit in. Upon closer investigation she was playing with a nearly dead wasp. I guess this is the kind of weird climate excitement you get when it’s 80° on Christmas

Just watched my next-door neighbor take his leashed dog into my yard to poop then walk right back to his 👍👍 they have an entire fenced backyard

Went to a shitty little karaoke dive last night and in my haste to wash the smoke smell out of my clothes it would appear I also washed an entire pack of gum

Brennan Lee mulligan and Matt Mercer on last meals……. Christmas came early

is this a safe space to admit I’m straight up huffing the pillow this boy used last night bc his hair smells good or am I supposed to be normal on here

One of life’s simple pleasures is watching someone through your review mirror as they read your bumper stickers and chuckle

Several months ago some of my coworkers went out for happy hour drinks and one of them told me she thought our bartender was checking me out. I was oblivious and don’t even remember what he looked like. We just found out a different coworkers son works there.

why would you think that the machine that spits out the statistically most probable next word in a sentence would be at all useful in “generating new ideas”

I hope Tony hawk is having a good day

Just saw the power lines over my neighbors yard spark and then lost power. Chat is that good

Really appreciate the TikTok feature that shows your account to people in your contacts list because it will not stop recommending me the profile of a person I had a very brief situationship with. Can’t even doomscroll without seeing their face

Project manager sends “do you have have time for a call” message, in said call prefaces her news with “have you had coffee? Are you sitting down?” Then tells me we missed something big. Schedules a meeting for 1pm. At 12:55 pushes to 1:30. At 1:27 pushes to 1:45. Doesn’t show up to meeting til 1:49

I went to the manic pixie tea party and no one knew you 🧚‍♀️✨

Fuck my chungus lungs