has there ever been an easier time to win a US election for anyone with a single courageous blood cell

Frankly I am getting Mad Faded on the blue barber comb water

90s millitant wokeness finally!! *pressing shotgun racking sample one shot as fast as my clenched arm will allow*

wife: can you hold this giant L, momentarily me: ok i will, trusting it is temporary and that I will not be responsible for the transport and or disposal of this L wife: ho ho! the L is yours now. are a fool and a simpleton

I was the one who strangled dick cheney with some yellow mason line string

i didn't know this about polls, but i guess 37% approval is basically the floor. no matter what happens 1 in 3 evil lil munchkins will still be chittering your way

My wife: Those gray freaks are dancing in our tunnels again!! Me:

sentenced to 700 years in prison for throwing a string of blackcats under a police horse

CIA ANALYST RESPONSIBLE FOR SUPPRESSING DISSENT ON TIKTOK BY POSTING RAGE-INDUCING VIDEOS WHERE A WOMAN COOKS BADLY: Heard this is where the cool kids are! Excited to kick things off on RedNote with my DIY dumpling recipe! CHINESE USER REPLY AUTO-TRANSLATED TO ENGLISH: You have the heart of a dog

to me the softball is also hard. and the hardball? it can scratch most quartz

inventing a political party that would still lose to a sentient snowman made out of giant versions of those spherical shit balls made famous by the noble dung beetles in sub-saharan africa

the only size bigger than "king size"...? that's right. family size. so when i say i'm a family man please understand i am only referring to sizes

gruesome bob's "2025 singular halloween movie pick that maybe isn't obvious" is, when evil lurks (2023)

I take umbrage at "doom scrolling". I am logging the crimes and am correct and strong to do it

it's the Chuff-tastic

that’s right beg you miserable worm

(counting the 1s and 5s in my wallet): Yah I’m in my Comptroller Era

free one for the journos, a "what do they look like now" for the band member stand-in kids in the Hot For Teacher video

i am "uncle bob" to SEVERAL young children, none of which are related by blood, and frankly none of which I care or think much about other than to with them well in a general sense, which i believe will strengthen their resolve for the wars ahead

7 pager in Harper's called "why pooping is necessary"

chewing a handful of paintballs at the club and for one fleeting minute …I am the star

all it would take is for 1 million people to give me a simple dollar

here’s one for the sound explorers… the wizards of waves. this here is a module that can oscillate signals in either sine, square, or even triangle. made by the behringer corporation, in lovely “gunmetal” grey

midlife crisis is buying a drugrug

I like to think that this map of all the regional names for woodlice in the UK could also be a map illustrating the new tribes of humans to be found on the same landmass after The Great Digital Crash and ensuing breakdown of society.

the wood chipper of liberty must occasionally be fed by the legs of congressmen over the age of 80

i have moved beyond The Topics. i have touched the obelisk and lived out my life in the bedroom at the end of the universe

best part about changing your oil has got to be pouring out the old stuff on some weeds

just imo but the new US flag should have a swimming pool full of blood on it

just tried seeing if there was a "that's bait" meme that said that's slop instead and maybe he has more fingers. i don't know if thats anything, i have covid, cant be sure

when the butler says “very good sir” they can mean many things. the emphasis in Very is the key, and if you cannot whiff a hint of Tim Curry I would suspect ones doings are not good at all

we're approaching enough time to establish a "rocket from the urn" rock band with an unusual instrument, propose cello

1925 crust punk named Abner Mality

if i was on a professional sports team and my teammate goofed it i would be like "thats cool its just a game and i am already rich beyond my wildest dreams"

HATE when that pumpkin grows too big and gets all flat, lopsided, and nasty. farmers you GOT to cut the cord

we're entering what historians call The Weekend Zone

opening up a bag of mellowcreme pumps and leaving them on the bar; the stink vapours form a cartoon luxurious hand to beckon fellow patrons

no amount of new evidence is going to reach the sentient Slim Jims still using spotify and twitter but I appreciate people keeping score

roasted street carrots stand and they’re hollowed out and filled with various sweet and savoury flavours such as cool ranch and chilli infused ranch

googling how big a knife I can take home. think my knifes too big for the “you call that a knife” country

taking a big sip of beer and you can see it travel down to my feet and bounce back up to my forearms, brain, and heart making them all throb like popeye

nothing like a hot cup

no problem for me to eat a marble. I could eat several. but I'm not out to prove anything

the most fulfilling way to urinate is under the premise that there is "no tomorrow", with "like a racehorse" some distance behind

the question you gotta ask yourself is. Are Norway little bitches

controversial opinion but it was nice to have lady lib’s doughy little mug on the money. always happy to see her

I have been promoted for my views on the Charlie Kirk assassination. “These are some bombass views,” - Jamie Dimon, CEO J.P. Morgan

to me it’s always lightest before the dawn. in terms of night brightness. obviously it is brighter during the day