craving a salad at midnight ew.

I hope all my twitter drafts made it to heaven ok 🙏

Might have heard a deep guttural voice saying "GET OUT" last night ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i just used a pivot table on my own for the first time and i'm not sure what took me so damn long

If a retail worker offers to put something back on the shelf for you, let them—they're doing it to make their own lives easier.

Our girl over here like

I am learning for the first time that this cold streak of like 3 months comes around every year?! How could President Trump do this to us????

AI Execs: Why don't people like our plagiarism machine? ChatGPT: Generative AI is trained on stolen work from writers and artists without compensating them and produces poor quality output that the internet at large has deemed "slop." AI Execs: Just another one of life's big mysteries.

Hi, when you're buying gifts, please remember to get a damn gift receipt. "Oh they won't return it" I assure you they will try.

The best thing about getting two sweet potato pecan pies for thanksgiving with the "intention" of getting into both of them that night and then oops you didn't is freezing one and having it later

i want to hang out with my bff and eat chocolate and watch survivor every night

My friends and I went to the New Mission Alamo Drafthouse for Kill Bill and they got violently sick 🙃

Once again for the people in the back: sharing AI slop to shit on it is still sharing AI slop. They count on your outrage to make their numbers.

All I want to do is spend time curled up in the corner of my living room with a pile of comic books

Remembering at 1:30am that there's pie in the fridge omg

I'm taking a relaxing bath so why am I on hell app 2.0? Bye.

From a while back but... evergreen

how is the first slayer episode also the introduction of the buffybot? who let that happen

why did no one tell me my boyfriend francois arnaud is in the gay hockey show?

Sorry but Tanglad in the Castro suxxxxxx

💆‍♂️

pretty sure a bowl of pho will fix me

Friend who's dumb and ugly: I don't think you're dumb and ugly!

Maybe a new tattoo will fix me

unc is short for uncanny x-men. not many people know this

When you remind yourself that men ain't shit

Anyway I'm drunk and all my problems are solved

Fuck I miss a good scotch

"you can smell these over here"

What if instead of working, I wrote the short film that's been brewing in the back of my mind for 6 months?

My decade working in publishing was filled with "Isn't publishing a dying industry?"

I moved from Texas to Maine two years ago. Last month I went back for four days. I won't go again. medium.com/@randythetoo...

I may have underestimated how much cough syrup was left in the bottle and maybe smoked too much oui'd but I'm watching The Life of Chuck and maybe a ghost just touched my foot that's hanging off the side of the couch?

Matthew: my eyes were bigger than my stomach Me: oh, you didn't even eat half your plate? Matthew: no I did.

We busted out the fine china for this

"hit by barista strike" is one hell of a phrase

i ain’t thankful for shit go fuck yourselves

If I... ...should stay...

Being an adult sux but get yourself sexy drunk friends who compliment each other for being sexy and nothing else matters ✌️

Yes, we all practiced witchcraft in the 90s to get our crush to use a future technology to pay attention to us

sorry for leaving this one out

This is how I expect all politicians to respond when learning about a fact for the first time, not a passive "this is the first I'm hearing about it" and no further statement.

Turns out that yes.

My new favorite kind of meme is "here are detailed instructions on how to turn off AI". 🔨

I'm too old to be ghosted after what I thought was a good first date 😮‍💨

"we know you're boycotting the both of us, but have you considered pwease don't? 🥹👉👈"

I'll be in a better mood once the piece of skin I burned off the roof of my mouth grows back.

Unfortunately for MSNBC's rebrand, it looks like they named Marjorie Taylor Greene "Ms Now"

Stressed out from work and it's only 9am and I'm still in bed 🫠

Y'all, is this a red flag?