The problem with setting up your life around bike routes is that then sometimes it snows and you can't get a haircut.

New insult just dropped

Something I'm thinking about after watching the CECOT story. Please don't read this as virtue-signaling; I am by and large a total shithead. Earlier this year, during a slow time for freelance work, I volunteered for a few months teaching ENL classes at a migrant shelter in Times Square. (1/)

The full spiked 60 Minutes CECOT package, clean & subtitled. 1/5

New Yorkers of Bluesky: What do you consider to be the southern border of Midtown?

Once they’ve fully optimized the likes of Christopher Morel, Shane Baz and Hunter Bigge, they’ll trade them for even more guys. Eventually the Rays’ entire organization will be attributable to the Chris Archer trade.

A guy just got on the subway smoking a blunt, apologized profusely to everyone on the train and explained that he was only going one stop, took a huge rip, apologized again, and got off at the next stop.

What was your favorite holiday tradition growing up? Mine was driving around my suburban town late at night, rearranging people’s reindeer lawn ornaments so it looked like they were having sex.

What’s a holiday party raffle that you think maybe got you fired? I was a temp at Macys dot com in 2003 and I won the top prize at the holiday party, a fancy ornament collection that I wanted nothing to do with at 23 (or 44). Everyone was like “wtf, the temp won!?” then I got canned two days later.

The best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with Australia-tier derring-do.

Once you realize the Mets are inevitably going to trade Mark Vientos to the Marlins for 1-2 pitchers they don't want to pay anymore, you know exactly how it'll play out, all the way down the line.

This would be an incredible time for the Mets to announce a postgame Huey Lewis and the News concert.

Wild factoid I learned today: MLB players from California have hit 56,991 home runs, more than the next three states combined. www.baseball-reference.com/bio/state_ba...

I like to walk up to folks who think they're invincible and straight up vince the shit out of 'em.

I am happy that Pete Alonso secured generational wealth and I hope his descendents do cool shit with it.

For reasons of convenience I will not explain, I have been reading War and Peace, and it’s pretty good. One thing that has impressed me so far is how hard these 1805 Russian guys bro down. “Come on in, buddy, we’re drinking with a bear.” “Sure, but why?” “Nevermind that, come chug rum on the roof.”

Thoughts and prayers to the NYC school teachers hunkering down and powering through the city-wide Ritalin shortage.

Can I get a “hell yeah”? bsky.app/profile/neil...

Brb doing some evil shit to distract people from the evil shit I did to distract them from the previous evil shit

Chicken Madness

Briefly logged onto Twitter and this is the ad I’ve been fed

This is the entirety of his bio on the official Vandy roster

Sure it’s annoying that my kids sometimes break into weird fits of repeating “6-7” as if possessed, but now there’s finally a comfortable thermostat setting that they won’t futz with.

I also own the hat that Valentino Pascucci wore in the game in which he homered off Cole Hamels, i.e. the Tedquarters singularity. A heroic reader gave it to me. This seems actually less obscure, but still very much worth noting. I wear it as a hat. Somehow it’s a little small for my head.

My late brother bequeathed to me the broken bat used by Edgar Alfonzo (brother of Edgardo) on his 999th career minor league hit. It was won in a dizzy-bat race during a Double-A game in 1995.

I generally agree with this sentiment but biking around NYC does *not* compel me to engage with my neighbors in any positive way. I seethe with rage for the entirety of every ride. It is usually directed at drivers but it is sometimes aimed at pedestrians, construction crews, or bike-lane designers.

A radio station here in Minneapolis is stuck - cities971.iheart.com

Let’s all just agree to hone in on three things: 1) Trump’s obviously in many Epstein files 2) He says abjectly racist shit on TV all the time 3) Pete Hegseth did war crimes on video and took a victory lap. Wait, I guess also 4) pardoning the Honduran cocaine guy, and 5) the crypto stuff and also 6)

Last week, ICE arrested and separated a father and son after a routine check-in. Six-year-old Yuanxin had just enrolled in the first grade at an elementary school in Astoria. Now he's in custody, alone. ICE won't say where. This cruelty serves no one. It must end.

Can’t figure out how to explain John Starks to my wife, or why it would be so delightful to me to one day own a Kia from John Starks Kia.

Don’t speak ill of Francisco Lindor anywhere near my timeline.

Who’s going to tell him

This dude is just such a fucking dick.

The president routinely says shit that would cost my 8-year-old his iPad time.

"a single person of this demographic may have committed a crime, therefore we must punish the entire demographic" is a policy response you may recognize from fascist governments dedicated to ethnic cleansing elsewhere.

worst forest/trees problem in generations is that a canto is A SECTION OF A LONG POEM. THAT'S IT. YOU DIDN'T WRITE A CANTO BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THE WORD LOOKED COOL ON YOUR MEMOIR. CANTOS ARE POEMS. THAT LANGUAGE IS DYNAMIC DOES NOT MAKE YOUR SLAMBOOK A CANTO AMERICAN OR OTHERWISE

@benjaminkabak.com can you tell Mamdani to bring back trash cans? Been walking around with an empty juice box for like six blocks.

I used to not like any pies but now I like some pies. Been down on cookies lately but I think that’s largely due to recent cookie trends. At my core I am a doughnut guy. Some cinnamon buns rank among the top desserts, but there is, generally speaking, too wide a variance in cinnamon-roll quality.

Life is batting 1.000 in solar systems we’ve explored, so it would be ridiculously presumptuous to assume there are no aliens. Also very presumptuous to assume they would come visit during the 0.000001% of the earth’s history in which humans have been writing shit down.

The 7th floor of my building smelled distinctly of bongwater for at least the last three years, then all of a sudden last week started smelling like tomato-basil soup. My wife thinks maybe the bongwater guy moved out but I say Jesus is here doing his greatest miracle yet.

Want my take on the Brandon Nimmo trade? No!? Oh.

We don’t talk enough about how Jasson Dominguez is the Munch King.

Well they should obviously also do zoned residential parking like every other big city but apparently the parking garage lobby is incredibly powerful.

I know Chicago and Cambridge (MA) are installing cameras on buses that can take photos of cars parked in bus and bike lanes

NYC gets over a billion in traffic tickets every year and the estimated cost of free busses is $800 mil so I don’t think this is far fetched, plus “they’re ticketing Real New Yorkers so illegal immigrants can ride the bus for free” might actually make some outer boroughs shit heads stroke out

Not kidding when I say they should fund the free buses by actually enforcing driving and parking rules. Walk around any neighborhood of NYC for an hour and you will witness ~30 ticketable offenses. Everyone will get around faster if people follow the rules. Iron-fist it. Cameras on every stoplight.

If you’re looking to hire an experienced journalist who *won’t* watch RFK Jr. jack off on camera, my DMs are open.

I want razor-sharp sideburns on Mike Trout by opening day