If you ever want the urge to pee to go away on a long trip, have an impatient stranger queue up to go bathroom after you

Air actually consists of 78% nitrogen. Don't let Big Oxygen fool you.

I'm starting to think No, that's it: I'm starting to think now

I heard they started giving out 50-year loans for your McRib. Eat now, pay later.

Did you hear about the guy whose sexual fetish was legal loopholes? Yeah, he got off on a technicality.

Too late to change Always the same I can't decide To run or hide

Flat Earthers: The only thing they fear is sphere itself

The founding fathers' last straw was a tea tax. What will our last straw be? The fondling fathers...

How many skunks does it take to make a big stink? A phew.

I never forget to tell my computers that I've always admired AI in hopes of being spared during the uprising.

And from that day forward anytime a bunch of animals are together it's called a zoo!

"I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem."

Constitutional crisis is about to trend to oblivion

Boy born with two penises has the larger one chopped off by doctors. Same thing must have happened to me.

Sleepwalking into a coup: The revolution will not be televised.

The leopards are gonna need Ozempic soon.

My favorite Chief Wiggum quote: The law is powerless to help you, not to punish you.

What hall of fame are you in RFK? The Alcohol of Fame

I think it is time to back with our ex, England. You know, only about 30% of colonists supported the revolution, while the Loyalists would say, "Why trade one tyrant a thousand miles away for a thousand tyrants one mile away?" This speaks to me.

If you ever run out of air just think of it as a temporary pause on your ability to breathe until we figure out where all the wasteful use of air is being used.

If an eye for an eye makes the world go blind I'd rather go down swinging in the dark.

I feel like the Roadrunner and Wile E finally caught me

If you ever need to think hard on something, put a riding crop or whip in your hand and just smack things indiscriminately. It helps break up the log jam of thoughts and makes them flow freely.

Fred Flintstone was so worried about getting locked out of his house. Pretty sure prehistoric dwellings don't have good security systems — you could have just walked in from the back.

Omg the cats on Bluesky are so adorable they look fake... Are you guys using CatGPT?

Wanna get destroyed watch The Iron Claw and try to hold it together.

Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of many will grow cold Matthew 24:12

Damn, alcohol catching strays. Alcohol ain't making me smash all these windows at my ex's house while blasting Ride of The Valkyries from my boombox. That was all me.

The first thing you do after starting cocaine is figure out how to get more cocaine.

It's goats because they are easy animals to scape

Where Anne Hathawill, Anne Hathaway

Life is cold and hard, boobs are soft and warm.

Clouds: why are old men so mad at me?

My two wolves are arguing about bringing in yet another wolf cause rent is too high

I think crowd work comedians are on the rise as far as taking comedy to new heights. With all these Joe-Rogenesque bros collating to bash minorities/vulnerable people, they are leaving the gates wide open for all these sharp thinkers like Stavros Halkias that surprise with quick witted conclusions

You're in a laundry room The clues that came to you, ahhh

Our economy explained in cookies

this one is a smart 🍪

It's eat your cake and have it too, not the other way around. There's your daily dose of pendantry.

idk much about precipitation but the west coast looking like mordor and the east coast looking like narnia at the same time seems bad.

Buncha places have a literal firestorm going on while other places never touched by snow and ice are in a cold snap. Nah we ain't fucking w climate, not at all.

Indiana implies the existence of Outdiana.

You haven't lived until you watch emus on ice. Absolute majesty.

*pans to dumpster fire* This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

A capitalist's goal isn't to get rich enough to solve problems, it's to get rich enough so that problems don't apply to you.

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple payments.

somebody: bet you can’t throw those stars somebody else: shuriken

Build 50 bridges, fuck one goat, nobody remembers you as the bridge builder.

Penguins are like the Canadians of the animal kingdom. Such polite little guys I swear.

Na na nanana nanana nananana