don’t piss me off

olivia wilde is a changeling and she’s evil

tapped in to a new genre of literature and extracting its juices

communicated telepathically with a giraffe at the zoo earlier, she said humans are vermin to them

RFK jr and dax shepherd are the same being. it’s a shapeshifter but it can’t really shapeshift very well. it used to take the form of zach braff as well

Anyone wanna open a portal

foam? microscopic

traded some gold pieces for a couple grimoires last week and i’m gonna eat them all instead of reading them

ate 72 magic beans. gonna go germinate

my apprentice seems to have sampled some of my cheese wheel. it’s not magic it’s just a cheese wheel

we’ve been cursing our enemies for over 10 years

does this kill the wizard

biting someone tomorrow

if you start casting spells in latin in front of me i’m gonna hit you with a microplastics stare because wtf is wrong with you. buy a potion or get out of my tower

all these potions do is give me diarrhea

cut all my limbs off so i don’t have to go to work

the potions guild master ended up being evil and had a blonde boy apprentice. self-taught cleric (horrifically misguided AND stupid?) anyway i cancelled my membership

nailed it

currently listening to a frog scream outside my window while i’m trying to sleep

computer-aided potioncrafting

if you ever get magically summoned you can just repeat the summoner’s encantation backwards to resist the effects. i’ve been summoned to the potions guild no less than 4 times this week

neelix was a sweetie idc

flower magic for any time of day

How is your mental health?

i dreamed of a tornado and a tornado touched down 3 miles away not even half a day later. storm magic terrifies me

Do y’all bring ya phone in the tub or are you a coward

It’s also called a guy just taking a break but sure Freakin eat me :(

new potion that makes you walk faster for an hour or so

sampled a mysterious potion and i’ve been under assault ever since

a traveling sorcerer appeared without notice yesterday and enchanted a banana for the townsfolk to ride around on. he wants to be the fairy godmother so bad the dickriding is craaaazy

summoned several days of rain for the frogs and other local fauna

beginning to suspect my potions mentor is under some kind of foul curse

Just coughed up an ancient scroll

i don’t need any magic to whoop some ass

If you folks keep ignoring me every time I say something smart or cool, Im going to kill you

sometimes you just have to follow your heart

magical tools with which to honk your bobo

recharging my mana with chips and salsa

wand users gotta be some of the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet

any creature farting in my lair will be perceived as a direct attack and dealt with as such

these…these are elixirs crafted by demigods

i won’t participate in any hat vs hood debates, that shit is for cosplayers. hats are the clear winner for real wizards

i am a neutral party. i provide magic to both sides

due to personal reasons i am shrinking myself to 2 inches tall until further notice

the warlock gave me capsules of extreme wakefulness in exchange for gold and urine

i wish i could block all news about blake lively

psychiatrists are warlocks. their abilities vary. riddle enjoyers, too