Hey @pattonoswalt.bsky.social all this rain knocked a tree over in my yard, can I come over and borrow your nudge nudge wink wink grin grin chop chop say no more

Bluesky algorithm really nailing it today @michaelhobbes.bsky.social @internethippo.bsky.social @jessehawken.bsky.social

Collective decision making by the Blazers down the stretch on a scale of 1 to OOF:

Suck it, Starbucks. I’ll be here ‘til you make a fair deal with @sbworkersunited.org - and if you take too long, I might never come back at all. #NoContractNoCoffee $SBUX

What is the funniest middle initial you can have and why is it J

🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Ten foot tall pile of evidence incriminating Donald Trump as a rapist and pedophile has grown to ten feet, four inches 🚨🚨🚨

Science has taken another step closer to isolating the elusive “colossal asshole” gene

Staggy

If I was a walking talking pain in the ass, I would probably also oppose the use of ibuprofen

Does anyone know how to sign up for text messages that solicit political donations? I have a four minute window each day where I’m not getting any

Please lord show me the way to charge this woman for access to my psychic abilities

Chris Elliot would frequently die at the end of a Get A Life episode, get over it you double oh dilettante

My agent says we still haven’t heard back about booking me on Marc Maron’s podcast, but I’ve got a good feeling 🤞🏻🤞🏻

You may like the sound of this statement but I promise you Gavin Newsom does not really believe in it because Gavin Newsom does not believe in anything

We’ve arrived at the point where the failure of other Democrats to loudly denounce this delusion is making them complicit. Schumer has learned *nothing* from 10 years of Trump. If you’re not calling for him to hand over the reins, I have to assume it’s because you think he’s doing a good job.

“Couples comedy” should be punishable by a minimum 18 month prison sentence. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

I have been sitting on the train they call the City of New Orleans for two hours now, and we haven’t left the station because it won’t stop performing folk music

I need Democratic online types to understand that because of this, Newsom is dead to me. Dead. I'd sooner vote for an actual corpse. There is no hope, none, that he'll win me over, *because he has established he is a bad person*. There's no coming back from this. Take my advice and move the fuck on.

Absolutely devastating to think of goat meat replacing the famously healthy and sanitary offerings of the humble NYC hot dog stand/botulism dispensary

I don’t want to say Andrew Cuomo’s political career is dead, but it just checked into a nursing home run by Andrew Cuomo

I think Eric Adams is a little confused…in the wake of the Mamdani victory, he just promised to move IN to New York City!

Sure this sounds great but why won’t he establish a student loan debt forgiveness program for Pell Grant recipients who start a business that operates for three years in disadvantaged communities

Shoutout to Dick Cheney, who was a rapacious amoral war criminal before it was cool

Absolutely devastated at the loss of Dick Cheney* *before I was able buy stock in disingenuous usage of the word “controversial”

Wondering how many of these Mamdani doomers were just as convinced that Eric Adams was the future of the party and wondering further why they still think their opinions are worth expressing

I like my income like I like my aggression - passive

Canadian team is simply too polite to win a game in the opposing team’s city

Do you enjoy throwing a baseball? Do you own your own glove? The Los Angeles Dodgers would like to hear from you!

Blazers undefeated in the Tiago Splitter era

If you want to know why America is the way that it is, consider that millions and millions of Californians who are not and never will be billionaires are going to vote against this

Look he probably did it but with the current state of the FBI, I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually meant to arrest Charles Barkley

Hard to believe that the guy who blew his coach’s challenge on an out-of-bounds call in the first quarter last night could be capable of such poor judgment

Me: The Blazers are gonna turn a lot of heads this season Monkey’s paw: (slowly curls finger)

In Chauncey’s defense, there is simply no way to play poker for money in this country other than to get involved with THE MAFIA

WHAT IS HAPPENING

Authorities knew something was amiss when they caught him driving 55

This is the same guy who pisses and moans when we take down statues of traitorous confederate generals because “heritage”

And the mental age of a 12-year-old

I mean 🐐🐐🐐

Just insane.

If our troops want to get bailed out by the American government, they should just move to Argentina

I guess this MF never heard of salad

Sure it sucks and doesn’t work, but have you considered the fact that it’s also poisoning our air and water

I’ve studied painting for years, I go to museums every chance I get, the act itself brings me joy and completing a piece fills me with an unmatched sense of accomplishment but I’d trade all that in a heartbeat if I could just push a button and have a bad painting plop out of a computer

I’m sorry, but I strongly oppose having Bad Bunny play the Super Bowl. Why would you hire an artist who comes right out and says that they’re Bad?

At some point, Dems will figure out that they should stop talking about Trump in ways that make him sound like a powerful warrior god. Shit like “Trump’s Invasion” gets his people horny. The guy is a drooling numbskull propped up by a bunch of sniveling, friendless middle schoolers…start there.

Question for those who say “AI may not be perfect now, but it’s only going to get better” - how has, for example, your autocorrect been lately? Would you say it has been on a steady climb to perfection since they launched it?

At least now we know what he was advising him about

Useful information still exists on the internet!