Lindsey Vonn just coming back again and again and again like Eric Idle in European Vacation

Great news everyone, one of the top level Liars in the Liar Administration has something to say

Thinking about telling people I’m a vegan but I really want to piss them off so I’m going to pronounce it like “began”

I always wondered which AI technology Matthew Broderick uses to handle the many spreadsheets that I’m sure take up the bulk of his time

Bad Bunny was okay but the Kid Rock SpaceX Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Ix-Nay on the Edopehlia-Pay White America Halftime Show Brought to you by Dude Wipes certainly had its moments as well

Well, he’s no Kid Rock (complimentary)

Panic! at Literally Everything

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One problem with the Democratic Party is the number of prominent and powerful members who are in fact Republicans

Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear – especially in NO MORE MR. NICE GUY, my brand new horror story now available only on DeathbedWriting.com!

He was all over my Spotify Wrapped

Very cool to see so many Democratic leaders forgo the righteous cudgel of the Epstein files so as not to embarrass swell eggs like Bill Clinton and god knows who else

One great tip for how to save 💰on your morning cuppa joe is to get kidnapped and detained indefinitely by your government‘s secret police

Gotta hand it to the Trump administration for releasing the rest of the Epstein files in the middle of the Melania movie where they know no one will ever see them

This seems like a simple, commonsense ask for those of us contacting our representatives. I mean, not as good as demanding a QR code be printed between the fourth and fifth toe of every ICE agent but it’s a start

Hakeem Jeffries is such a stooge he’s spent his whole career doing this dumb shit with his hands that some grifter consultant once told him was “strong” or “decisive” or whatever

Chuck Schumer: Don’t worry guys I added a new line to the rule book that says a dog really really really can’t play basketball

No more deporting American citizens provided they are Pell grant recipients who start a business that operates for three years in disadvantaged communities

It's deeply depressing how many of our current problems boil down to the fact that the people running the country are simply not bright

Voting NO on the DHS funding bill is the bare minimum. Backing Kristi Noem’s impeachment is the bare minimum. Holding law-breaking ICE agents legally accountable is the bare minimum. ICE is beyond reform. Abolish it.

Interesting times for second amendment absolutists now that the long-rumored “good guy with a gun” actually showed up and was immediately murdered by the government

I still get misty when I see that classic painting of the Boston Tea Party guys being led away in handcuffs

Where are the Inglourious Basterds when you need them

“Get it all on record now — get the films — get the witnesses — because somewhere down the road of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened.” Dwight D. Eisenhower, after visiting liberated concentration camps in April 1945

Morbidly curious about what it’s going to take to get @klobuchar.senate.gov to say this

Shoutout to whoever selected the matching tie. Is there a @dieworkwear.bsky.social fan somewhere in the inner circle?

There’s a lot of crazy rumors going around right now, so I’m choosing to focus on the fact that his last words on earth may well have been about how many times you have to flush the toilet nowadays

Hmmm sounds like they need more money for training

Hello I’m a prominent national figure with more money than I could ever spend so naturally my primary focus in life is what kind of milk people are or aren’t drinking

I bet everybody who says the Democrats are doing nothing to combat a fascist takeover of the country is feeling pretty stupid right about now

Democratic leaders to angry protestors: “You’re giving Trump exactly what he wants” Also Democratic leaders:

Why were we so hasty with Timothy McVeigh? Maybe he just needed better training.

We know Jonathan Ross‘s name, dumbass. Now what?

Put this on a t shirt

It’s 2026 but I’m still writing “Please don’t cash this I have no money” on my checks!

Everyone knows that Chevy Chase is a huge asshole. What this new documentary presupposes is...maybe they’re right.

Stranger Things has been on for so long the kids are getting facial hair…and I’m just talking about the girls! #jokes #humor

[scrawling in ketchup on the tablecloth due to poorly chewed chunk of meat lodged in my windpipe] INTENTS AND PURPOSES

I seem to have strained the precise combination of back muscles that makes you walk like Colonel Steven Lockjaw

Remember: There's always strength in a union. Solidarity.

I’m now being told the boat has sunk, exploded, caught fire while under water, briefly bobbed back to the surface and then sunk again

Don’t miss SURVIVAL JOB, my brand new horror story about what can happen when you don’t maintain a healthy work-life balance - available only on DeathbedWriting.com!

You ready for work? SURVIVAL JOB by @benzelevansky.com (Brooklyn 99, Parks and Recreation) is live now on DeathbedWriting.com. It’s a charming tale of a young artist struggling to succeed in late stage capitalism, and yes, there’s a Japanese pull saw involved. Subscribe.DeathbedWriting.com

This should ABSOLUTELY be implemented in ALL cars with NO exceptions except for my car

The great @ritchied.bsky.social has launched a free weekly newsletter called Deathbed that presents Horror Stories from Comedy Writers. My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!

The great @ritchied.bsky.social has launched a free weekly newsletter called Deathbed that presents Horror Stories from Comedy Writers. My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!

So weird that there’s now a bidding war for a company so poverty stricken that in 2023 it couldn’t afford to offer any of its workers a fair contract 🤔

“Stitch incoming” - me, to a snitch

“Has anyone seen my copy of the Annual Report? I swear I had it when I came in here.”

Merry Costmas 🎄