Transitioned so I could go from being this fan to bullying this fan

Sometimes it feels like maybe my vibrator should replace my batteries for a change

Finally got around to starting the game Stray and have already cried (it’s been 5 minutes)

BREAKING NEWS: Tesla Cybertruck still fuck ugly!

Other longtime baristas seeing a picture of my lattes and wanting to come get one is such a deep flattery

I’m so used to always being the one asking someone out that I got very flustered and blushy when this hot butch I know pulled ONE OF MY OWN MOVES ON ME and asked me on a date next time they’re in town

Can’t wait to further ascend to new heights of being sexy and gay when I get my knuckles tattooed this week

I was just subjected to a conversation about “sucking Christmas straight from the teat” and this feels like a hate crime

Playing Replies D&D with a mutual is a very cute (if not distracting-in-a-good-way) way to get my day started. (This was immediately followed by having to explain with examples D&D to my boss, who chastised me by going “NERRRRRRD” at me for a full ten seconds.)

Got asked by a twink to be a big scary security dyke at a queer event in a few weeks should I do it Y/N? (It’s paid)

I have a new tattoo appointment scheduled for Sunday and I am freaking out with excitement

Still mad that I never got a luck dragon like Falkor for my quests and journeys ☹️

Mean Barista Facts: I make better coffees for the girls, gays, and theys and there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Hormonal, as in “could eat a FIAT 500 sized piece of chocolate” and “could wrestle god for top and win” and “sleepiest baby who needs a kiss on the forehead”

Force femme your dads today, dorks.

There is an uncomfortable amount of macaroni and cheese in my oven right now

There is gonna be so much macaroni and cheese in my apartment tomorrow

Sometimes I start my day with metal, which is fine until I have to keep fighting the compulsion to headbang while trying to do my hair and makeup.

You ever watch a man pet a dog in a really weird way like

My source? Piscean intuition, babe, keep up.

Eating an almond croissant in a plastic bag like it’s an equine feed bag so it doesn’t look like i sneezed into the coke pile at a party

In case you hate having air in your tires, these are like $3

What’s up with vampire cum? Do you think it’s just like a lil puff of smoke or is it a teeny tiny lil bat?

Hooked on Phonics: Where Are They Now?

Baseline Crush: oh they’re cute I will think about kissing them Heavy-Duty Crush: screaming crying throwing up thinking about them for hours when I haven’t seen them in days

Changing my tinder bio weekly just to feel alive

Really putting a new spin on Head of State with the news this week

Been watching Supernatural as one of my semi-background shows and I completely forgot that Sam has psychic demon powers

The pope has spoke to God and God clarified the whole transsexual matter as “basically pretty much cool except for the…the femboy thing”

The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is my ex-girlfriend

Best flirt I’ve gotten in weeks was the baddie from the other coffee shop on the block who always looks mean telling me I actually make them laugh so anyway I’m gonna crush forever now

getting back on progesterone after like a month means my titties are sore, I’m doing a little dance from sad > manic > back again, I feel like I could eat a car, and I want someone to put a baby in me

moreover, everyone in the jeemails must be destroyed

When the doctor was offering me the menu of available vaccines, she and her med student were sO EXCITED that I was down to get the HPV vaccine today (and a Covid booster) and we had a moment where we were all “yay science!” like a bunch of nerds.

I love my background TV shows because sometimes an episode will feature Denethor, Steward of Gondor and UN Secretary-General Chrisjen Avasarala

I want to make my Siri sound like Shohreh Aghdashloo, but I fear I would become a(n even more useless) lesbian any time I needed to ask her anything.

Oops I replied in my head but forgot to make my thumbs do the thing

Senators on the brink of retirement who lived full, wealthy lives and never feared the loss of their own healthcare voting for their constituents to die from their inability to afford the same is treasonous

About to see Predator: Badlands in 3D IMAX and I haven’t seen IMAX or 3D in like 25 years so we’ll see if I throw up or get a migraine (maybe both if we’re lucky 😎)

Anyway trying to scam lonely, horny lesbians is dirty work.

I was told by IRL friends to delete this because I was talking to a girl, but she turned out to be a scammer, so for now, still sworn off dating.

I think I’m actually swearing off dating for good this time

Dumbass Lovergirl Behaviors: yes I still dream about my ex-girlfriend, yes I’m taking this as expert-level pining

Don’t worry guys I didn’t lose my bank card it was just a dream (and I almost fell out of bed to go check my wallet)

Oops! All cry-baby!

Do it for Dolls

That’s why they pay me the medium bucks 😎

Mean Barista Facts: your poor time management is actually not my problem!