I don't want AI generated art, I want AI emptied dishwasher

Kendrick Lamar “Swimming Pools” voice

A bong is a saxophone that puts the jazz inside you instead of the other way around

I was not prepared for ‘what if Heart of Darkness was a buddy comedy’ but by god Kevin James and Alan Ritchson did just that.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

It’s working.

I frequently say the glacier that created the Great Lakes should have gone further and created Lake Ohio, but I think we should include Idaho in that. Nothing good happens in Idaho and we’d be better off if several million tons of ice had turned it into a lake millennia ago.

I know this will surprise precisely no one but @jake.sooscreek.productions makes the best breakfast sandwich the world has ever experienced by a long shot.

We are living in a world where it is very possible that ICE ends up tear gassing the pope.

“We have held our breath for longer than we know. We have held it in anticipation of defeat. Held it because the air has been knocked out of our lungs too many times to count. Held it because we cannot afford to exhale.” Jesus Christ this man is good at this. www.youtube.com/live/NnM_RgL...

Jake out here being everyone’s social media grandpa, making sure you know there’s a storm coming in and it could be a bad one.

PNW folks: how are you situated for a power outage right now? High speed east to west gap winds coming tonight, and that always means trees coming down

I’m a really lucky person in a lot of ways but I don’t think anything makes me feel as lucky as getting to have my chosen family in my life.

You know you’re old when you realize you’re going to sleep like a rock and can’t wait for it to be bedtime.

INCONCEIVABLE!

Made some friends at the lake today.

this energy is like boatstuck but for baseball

I became a Mariners fan this year. I know better.

Sexy Weapons (2025)

I see Pompey the Great has learned to use the telephone. Terrifying.

This is the right way to deal with having said hurtful things or expressed destructive beliefs in the past. Acknowledge it was wrong, acknowledge you hurt people, and own it. We’ve all had Bad Takes before, and if we’ve changed we’ll admit they were bad and try to repair the hurt we’ve caused.

I realize this is an autocorrect fail, but ‘meeting ritual’ is the most cursed concept ever, and somehow this video encapsulates it perfectly.

Say what you will about Will Stancil, the guy has a knack for getting government agencies to make fools of themselves.

About three minutes before this happened I said ‘wouldn’t it be funny if they loaded the bases with walks and then someone hit a home run?’ and then they loaded the bases with walks and @jake.sooscreek.productions asked me to step closer to the lathe. I gotta not let this go to my head.

You can easily block the official MAGA government accounts here. Do not engage them. Do not give them what they want.

It’s always fun to clean the gerbils’ enclosure and then watch them immediately go nuts re-engineer a bunch of tunnels and kick bedding all over. You’d think they’d be more upset about having to reconstruct their entire house, but no, they love that shit.

I guess I’m going to end up brain damaged, because I cannot for the life of me think of a thing that I could not make useful in some way.

Help us out: if you spill MSG, do you still have to throw a pinch over your shoulder?

The first time I played Skyrim I ended up never completing the main quest because I realized if I joined the assassins guild I could spend all my time breaking into places and stealing the books I didn’t already have, then bringing them back to the lair and reading them by the fire.

People who don’t understand the psychology of comfort foods (or drinks in this case) shouldn’t be allowed to write about food, much less food as it relates to economic factors. The dopamine I get from a well-made cup of coffee is good for my mental health, which is good for my physical health. 🤷🏻

Lazy syntax is fine if your plot and/or characters are compelling. Fill your sentences with useless filler words, I don’t care, just tell me a good story experienced by interesting characters.

“Don’t shine lasers at helicopters” is one of those laws that only assholes break. Helicopters are already constantly trying to fall out of the sky and kill everyone in them, blinding the pilot does not help. Aircraft crashes in populated areas endanger more than just the people on the aircraft.

The amount of gumbo I’m making right now is an affront to god.

I have so many words and none of them are the right ones.

the first version of bluesky was released in the third inning of this mariners/tigers game. not many people know this

It’s a Circle Takes The Square kind of day.

Beyond something great happening, my life *is* great on a day-to-day basis because of people I met on social media.

The cheese knife of Longinus

You get better pictures when you talk shit to the birds. Or maybe not, but it’s fun either way.

On the bright side, herons being lazy makes them very easy to take pictures of. Also, Billy Frank Jr. Nisqually Wildlife Refuge is staffed by park rangers who are furloughed right now. We met one yesterday who was there in civilian clothes because they’re still working shifts to protect the refuge.

Sometimes the birds fly in front of this giant mountain and it looks like it should be fake but actually it’s just the wildlife refuge 45 minutes from your house.

Sometimes the birds fly in front of this giant mountain and it looks like it should be fake but actually it’s just the wildlife refuge 45 minutes from your house.

It’s actually extremely funny when you’re out taking pictures of eagles and they start chirping. Like, they’ll rip your face off with those talons if you give them enough of a reason, but at least they’ll sound like whiny little babies while they’re doing it.

Herons are the laziest bird. I will not be elaborating further.

You know, Dave, you could just stay there.

Y’all don’t understand, they made the glaze for these with apple cider, and the apples are delightfully perfect for this application. Apple fritters shouldn’t be this good.

So we’re going to see a bunch of top brass resign today, right? Right?

“Leave their church potluck casserole untouched” If you didn’t grow up in evangelical circles, you have no idea how cold this is. I’m just picturing a woman hissing at her husband who works for ICE because“They won’t even touch my tater tot casserole anymore Bob.”

Doing my level best not to turn around and tell the woman in the elevator that her margarita recipe is bad and she should feel bad.