I love waking up from a nap feeling the closest to death I have ever felt because someone has put the heating on while I've slept

"This social media platform is making me sad and angry" My brother in christ you can literally mute words and accounts and choose who you follow, you are actively seeking this out and amplifying and whining about it stfu

Caffe Nero's latest app game is literally Pac-Man and I am getting better at it each week. If less people could play it though that would be great because I've slipped 25k places despite almost doubling my score

I was worried that they'd all know how to spell each other's names in #CelebrityTraitors but now I feel like some of them will deliver some juicy variants

I've worked with academic dentists for the past few years and still working out how to ask them "so why and how old were you when you realised "fuck I just love teeth so much"?"

So weird not being the depressed one in my circles atm but everyone gets a turn I guess

It'll be wild when Charlotte Church reveals she's been pretending to be Welsh this entire time #TheTraitorsUK #CelebrityTraitors

Screaming at Alan pacing the halls in his traitor cloak looking like a hobbit 😭 #CelebrityTraitors

Hey bro you feeling ok? The chyron under your name says "tummy ache"

Wish I knew what they're spelling in songs where they spell stuff out

I think the most important thing that I have learned about working anywhere is that nobody knows what's going on, ever

I'm a mouse, duh

Love to be strongly advised not to climb Russell Square tube station's 175 steps multiple times by the tanoy while climbing Russell Square tube station's 175 steps

Crazy to post a picture of a stranger and say "I was outside in the dark so he couldn't see me [take a picture of him and post it online years later]" and have none of the comments go "wow that's well creepy"

Bluesky should notify you when someone hides your post so that you maybe learn to stop doing that

Sick of everyone always asking me to do the impossible 😤 (speak audibly)

*beastie boys* well old homer simpson made nuclear POWER getting paid peanuts by the HOUR all the employees are taking TURNS getting abused by mr BURNS and so he became a union MAN going on strike for a dental PLAN didnt want his daughter to make FUNNY FACES because after all LISA NEEDS BRACES

Thinking about him

Really must commit to booking my next dentist appointment for 2:30 (tooth hurty) because I think about it so often

"sorry to disturb you again" Then stop disturbing meeeeee

Harry can mix and match 3 flavours of baklava for dessert, as a treat (pistachio, walnut, chocolate)

If you see this, post a bridge.

People keep putting "micro" in front of regular habits and things as if that means anything

Crazy to still be doing will they/won't they Futurama episodes about Fry and Leela in the year of our lord 3025. Give us more Kif and Amy storylines you cowards!!

Holes (2003)

Sorry for saying "oh for the love of god what now" but, in my defence, it is always something with you

Getting put on the rack as a human: • painful • punishing • slow and prolonged Getting put on the rack as a spice: • prestigious • you're with all your buddies • long-term, probably too long but you're still good

I've been reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman and it's making me really want to replay God of War

Pub garden pints in summer but it's the early autumn urge to spend maybe £9 on a little takeaway coffee and cake

If I was a taxi driver I would only play car/driving related songs (Cars by Gary Numan, Shut Up and Drive by Rihanna, etc.)

"a glitch in the system" just say you have no idea what you're doing

Gradually been getting shorter haircuts to transition into my fully bald era. Bit chilly today, lads

There's something about spoken word that triggers my fight or flight

Shout out to rigatoni, gotta be one of my favourite pasta shapes

Not a bad spot for lunch

You're telling me this bird is mocking us

Hello and welcome to Pilates, the evening forum where we discuss pi

Not an original review I'm sure but The Inheritance: what if Traitors but shit (feat. what if Judge Judy but shit)

Excited to go Back 2 School tonight #BakeOff #GBBO

Repost for Irish Film Classifications by Damien Owens, because it's just come up in FB memories and it's still *brilliant*.

Day 412 of "i think i'm coming down with something"

Little bored/burnt out + project/busy period finishing + wasn't shortlisted for a promotion so naturally googling quiet quitting to see what that's like

Guess what's for dinner

Read an article from someone whose kids have moved back home and their biggest issue is literally "wow we're going to need to buy bigger milk" must be nice

why is it so cute to see buses going back into their depot at night 🥲 like aw they’re going to sleep 🥲🥲🥲 goodnight buddies 🫶🫶🫶

Crazy to me that people just know or care which way their garden faces

[indirectly trying to ask for a microwave's pronouns] so how many watts do you cook with?

TfL staff on platforms yelling overenthusiastically at every train over the tanoy. Did Butlins not get back to you hun?

Noooo don't praise me for doing a good job ahahah the bar is so low it doesn't mean much