Drake makes music for dudes who triple text a girl at 10AM and then say “Oh I see how it is” when she doesn’t text back by noon

Next to do item: put cat carriers away. Problem:

OMG lmao I just now realized that Tony Hawk’s company is called birdhouse… and hawks are birds….

Ok I still don’t want kids, however this little girl in the Mexican restaurant singing twinkle twinkle little star WHILE stuffing her face with chicken can have free babysitting whenever she wants

My grandad is 100, for context. My dad told him someone would be coming today (to check in on him and bring him food but that wasn’t explicitly stated). My grandad goes “ok… are they friendly?” Lmao 😭

I love games that have no limit on the number of things you can carry but limit the number of KINDS of things you can carry. It’s like oh my bag’s full. Better drop this pencil. Ok cool now I can carry these 7 tons of concrete blocks.

Professor tangrowth: “Watching you is always a delight. I’m so happy I’m getting to know you and I can’t wait for what you do ne-“ “APPRAISE THIS!”

Was just thinking about this guy I used to work with. We have this sort of internal directory website thing and you can put little notes there. Most people’s were like email me before teams or call my cell if I don’t pick up or something. This guy’s said “please be nice to me.” Wonder how he’s doing

Oh, you’re a fan of making it so that only people you think are girls can use women’s bathrooms? Name every bathroom

Just had a brilliant idea. Ok so it’s like Uber but for people who drove somewhere and then got a drink and don’t want to drive home. So the uber shows up but there’s two people in it and then one of them drives your car

Steph just dropped the funniest hot take out of nowhere. “So like, I do think women’s basketball is important. But I don’t think basketball is important.”

“If I wasn’t such a big liar I’d be so rude to people” -this guy behind me at dinner. Man I feel u

Support your spouse ominously and aggressively. “You’ve got this” “I don’t think that’s true” “Hmm. Then you are wrong. Good day.”

Clover always cuddles Steph in the mornings. Steph is away at a race. So I get cuddles… right? …right? 😢 No. Hairbrush.

Abolish ice! This stuff is like a foot thick and it’s SO hard to shovel. Aha, you thought this was a political post but it was really about weather! Also, though, it’s a political post. Abolish ICE.

shot through the heart and you’re to blame you just killed LeBron James

“What time’s your flight?” “I don’t know. I think 8?” (Note: translation from wife, this means 8AM) “Do you want me to drive you?” “Well yeah…” (Laughing) “ok! Good to know”

Slightly diminish a game The Story of Zelda: Breath of the Slightly Rambunctious

Kinda wanna start a gofundme for Jonathan Ross and just keep the money

This is a really good read if you have time. This and some of the pieces it links to put a lot of context around many of the conversations most of us see only small parts of in the media.

Me: goes into the other room for less than a minute Steph: I have some bad news

“Reeds are ok. But I find it stupid that you need a piece of paper to blow into an instrument” -wife

10 years ago today I married the love of my life. She’s not even on Bluesky and will probably never see this but I just want y’all cool peeps to know how HYPE I am to be married to my soul mate, it’s 100% awesome and my life rules. PEACE

It’s been a while (like 41 days or something) so just wanted to remind you all that I love my wife :)

I don’t think I can summarize this hotel any better than saying it’s the PERFECT place to finish the Netflix p Diddy docuseries

was looking for how to tween text position in the .ass subtitle format and now i feel like i'm going to be put on a list 😔

BREAKING NEWS my wife is bringing me a milkshake and I love her (unrelated) (real)

(Clover looks at me for reassurance) Yes! Good baby. Good babies can be here. Good babies can sit in chairs. And good babies can look out windows. (my tone darkens suddenly) But good babies cannot eat plants. Good babies can't do that! (she returns to looking out the window innocently) ok, good baby

My wife gave me a buscuit :) Because she loves me :)) And because she doesn't like biscuits. But mostly because she loves me. :)))

What perfect album came out the year you turned 16?

Oh no, my… wife’s seat?

This is crazy, and definitely a sign of the times, but I think the resolution proposed here seems like a fair one. I hope they do this. No quarter for hate.

Oh no, my seat(s)!

Apparently NO women got a world championship spot from #IronMan Wisconsin. 0. This is an emergency, a crisis. And it needs to be treated as such by the sport.

Lmaooo I just ordered Indian food and the waiter just immediately goes “Mild?” We’ll see how hot “hot” is. For me. I’m guessing it would be hotter for someone who looks uhh, less like me.

Haven’t been updating here but Steph just finished her second iron man world championship in Kona, Hawaii. Absolutely insane achievement that took years of dedication and I’m sooooo so so proud of her!!

The pro race at Kona is insaaaaaaaaaane holy butts.

Ok I’ve been awake for like 21 hours time to sleep good bye

Oh no, my seat!

finally started playing through Ghost of Tsushima this weekend. My god, that game is so beautiful. I'm still glad I took a break and played some assassin's creed games after expedition 33 though, I still don't think anything could have held a candle to that.

Ran 5 miles. Didn’t die.

A Congresswoman calls for everyone like me to be locked up. The world's richest man proposes I be subject to a Nazi medical experiment. I no longer flinch at the sight of the soldiers with assault rifles on my commute. A billboard for AI tells me "keep thinking." One cold brew with oat milk, please

"What would you do if you won the lottery?" (looks at wife) (looks at family) (looks at friends) ... "AGAIN??!"

Everyone remember your Luigi lesson: They're lying about the reward and you will lose your job.

Oh no, my [mother in law’s] seat!

#DrivingWithStephTheBaronOfBoop “Oh look it’s the little Miata! I kinda wanna boop it” “NO” “Can I boop it” “NO BOOP” “What about… small boop” “NO BOOP” “Yeah I’m gonna boop it” (accelerates mildly alarmingly) “NO BOOP” (Giggles, then very quietly…) “so boopable…”

Took home the silver at BITE for SMX, which is insanely better than I thought I’d do and I’m grateful to all of my opponents for awesome matches, to Arcade Impact for FLAWLESS pads, and to the TOs for running an event on only one machine and still finishing on schedule and an overall smooth event.

New pendulum album this is not a drill