complaining about gaining weight then hoofing half a carrot cake into myself as soon as i get home from work

i’ll get as close as i can get without running right through you

i need to admit something. i’ve never watched normal people. i don’t think i have the strength to

ancestry tests will never appeal to me as a white irish person. why would i pay u money so u can tell me i’m white and irish

i’m going to MEXICO soon i’m going to MEXICOOOO i’m going to drink MARGARITAS in MEXICO

day off today i’m making a dirty greasy fry up at 1pm

everyone who works in a client facing role’s favourite time of year has just begun. keep em coming folks

subtle change, shorter days, dead eyed, dead weight

everyone except me die right now

i look like a teletubby i’m wearing so many layers

my sister was at a bar and her drink was £6.70 and the guy charging her goes to his coworker “six seven six seven” and doing the hand thing then he charged her £67 by accident

a customer i was dealing with in work showed me a document that said Milton Keynes on it and i assumed it was his name because im stupid and called him Milton throughout our entire interaction and he never corrected me

cheese and butter pasta tastes sooooo good when u don’t have a man in ur ear telling u to eat protein

belfast town becomes unbearable with christmas shoppers 0.2 seconds after halloween ends

mistake my kindness for weakness and find your card CANCELLED

i love that my sisters in her mid twenties now because she’s stopped making fun of me for being old lmao

my toxic trait is i will make someone move their bag on a busy bus or train and sit next to them even if other people have left the seat beside them free. i will not reward bad behaviour!!

My god… this sandwich… it’s made of pure lunch

udon in my pee jammers

i’m watching the liverpool game and farting loads in the pub. theres so many men around my boyfriend won’t know its me

i don’t use twitter anymore so i just found out dick cheney died there now

left chicken fillets in the fridge for a bit too long and suddenly jeffrey dahmers whole thing is making my head spin

he asks how much i’m drinking and i lie but doctors are always trying to tell you some torturous way to live your life, its not like they know everything ever. hey man, i went to college too!!!!

i bought new curlers today and unfortunately my hair has never looked better

threw up last night and woke my boyfriend up to tell him so. good to know u never grow out of the Mummy I Frew Up urge

Smoking and drinking will take years off of your life, which is why I'm doing both right now.

you might be lord of half the world you’ll not own me as well

One of the people killed by Soldier F was a man who stepped out to help another of his victims as he lay dying in the street. He waved a white handkerchief as he did so. Soldier F shot him in the head. His name was Barney McGuigan and today his family had to listen to a judge acquit his killer.

making dinner takes so long and then i hoof it into me in four and a half minutes and give myself a bellyache

i know i’m an adult now bc i actually put my plans and commitments in my calendar instead of relying on my feeble brain

got paid and went crazy style on vinted

anything that happens on the news saturday to sunday is none of my business. the news is for reading while i’m passing the time at work

i could never be a gambling man i lose £5 on the government lottery app and ban myself from playing

crab and oysters and mussels i’m so full i’m gna die

hair of the dog is not fixing me rn i’m gonna CHUNDER

my life would be so easy if i had a tumble dryer i have to plan my life around my clothes taking 2-3 business days to dry

where is the drafts option on this app where am i supposed to put all those song lyrics i wanna type out like im gonna post except i don’t want to be annoying

“i gotta catch a glimpse of this warlock” instantly and permanently entered my personal lexicon the first time i heard it all those years ago

my job just killed casual fridays along with my last will to live

egg and sausage sandwich for dinner be so good when u aint got a bitch (ur boyfriend) in ur ear telling u it’s nasty

i quit twitter it is genuinely negatively affecting my mental health

i’d like to say you’ve changed but you’re always the same i’ve got a feeling that the marijuana’s rotting your brain

have had such a terrible week at work but my boyfriend came to my house a day early and then swerved for a pigeon on our way to get groceries

i am terminally employed i need to become a waster again

where Are the hoes at 🤨‼️

i havent moved off the sofa all day i am eating airfryer onion rings and playing skyrim ‼️‼️

beautigul

i have a tattoo itch i really need to scratch. and a botox itch and a winning the lottery itch

what slurs can i say if i have asthma

Just got convicted of FRAUD. 100 years in Alcatraz. At least BLUE SKY gets me...!!