No matter how many times I try. I still don’t understand shaving or cutting ‘against/with the grain’ WHAT GRAIN THIS IS MY LEG

Honestly I’ve only met baddies in hijab. Because the face card does have to eat when your hair is covered!!

Annoying but NEVER ugly

Why do we call it true crime? Like how often do we hear fake crime 🤨

My roommate: Oh I was just reading my Bible Me, knowing her political stances: so are you speed reading or have different version cuz this morning you called literal human beings disgusting 🤨 like not even bad people, just regular degular folks

Moving back home makes you look at apartments you can barely afford and think ‘yeah, if I don’t mind starving, I could afford that’

i refuse to choose, i live in america, by god, if i want katsu curry for breakfast and tandoori chicken pizza for lunch and a sushi burrito for dinner, i barely even have to leave my neighborhood

catch my meek ass inheriting the earth

checking zillow for foreclosures on the astral plane

Edits still, but there are some nice moments when you sit back from the nth re-read of your own work to think, "actually there are moments when I turn out a decent line."

As a gay, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, let’s stop using the term girlfriends for platonic friends 😭 my fellow black people especially cuz I think I found solidarity and I didn’t 🤣

More places need jalepenos! Chick fil a, Costco and Sam’s club pizza, must I bring a lil baggie of jalepenos. I have to do everything myself 😭 and start putting ginger ale in the soda machines some of us oldies enjoy it

I want gym gains by eating more protein but I get tired of chewing so I can’t eat big portions #esigh

Help, I've been sealed within an ancient unbreakable curse (I'm currently unable to write when I really want to write)

i’m not going to be lectured about political violence by people whose politics is violence

if i get killed, you can quote stuff i wrote. that's why i wrote it

We are NOT born or suddenly gifted with the ability to write amazing stories It is a SKILL that is developed through study and practice.

Boosting!!

No one mourns the wicked 😀

It is weird that the assassination of essentially a celebrity influencer is a bigger deal than the shooting of two top state legislators + their spouses

i don’t know who made this but, thank you?

No because when I was a kid, I thought La Llorna was going to be a legit issue for me

So when British ppl cry, they still continue their fake accent?? 🤨

[walking through park to sushi] LESBIAN BESTIE: What are you thinking? MJM (playfully): Okay, what do you think I’m thinking? LB: Hmm. That the American flag should be replaced with a sheet of silver sequins? MJM (whispers): GodDAMNit I wish I was thinking that.

Bowl o’ cat

Paid bills today...I need to lie down

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RFK Jr looks like he’s been sampling the diseases at the CDC

I think, therefore I lmao

My mom: you never hang out with me despite us living together My mom 5 secs ago: laughing that an innocent man is being deported to Uganda These right wing nutters want to be in spaces but don’t understand that I literally can’t have a conversation with you. 🍊 is her god now, lie in your bed

I dunno man maybe we should all talk about patriarchy more

Snickerdoodle cookies and white macadamia nut—ELITE

We are so resurrecting the dead in this upcoming pub season, sounds amazing!

My protein of choice is and will always be chicken—it is so versatile. I have to stop myself in stores from buying too many different chicken. Orange chicken, fried, rotisserie, butter chicken. BAWK BAWK BAWK KAHHH

I need a ninja creami biblically

Laughing real hard bc I saw a Tik tok of someone praying before eating a sandwich, he said and I quote ‘love to the animals and all that’ then scarfs down a chicken sandwich

The more I interact with people online, the more I realize common sense ain’t common. I could never be a celebrity, people’s inability to read comprehensively AND their innate need to respond is terrible

My brain is really good at having cravings when it’s pay day AND when I’m broke

Omg yes! I had a group of autistic writers in a rage when I told them that.

I think the funniest thing I heard from my co-worker is that she explains to her toddler grandkids that she's on a 'live' whenever we have meetings. We work remote and that's the only way they can understand she's working 😆

I always feel like I’m racing against time when I buy bananas and don’t get me started on organic bananas, that’s a commitment

Not someone I know posting that god has always made a way for her, you come from generational wealth. Her parents are personal friends of Kamala Harris…baby you were always going to be okay 😩

My weird trait is that I stop eating because I’m tired of chewing not because I’m full 🤣 or maybe I just feel like doing something else

Me: hm why did I just find a man attractive? My subconscious: cuz he looks like a girl #packitup #everythinggoesbacktowomen

The only thing worst than being broke is having a broke family 🤣😩 like because why are we all scrounging up chicken change. I appreciate it the effort 🤧

I HATE DRIVING!! PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY SO MEAN. I didn’t even do anything wrong! I made a U-turn, no signs said I couldn’t.I did it FAST, oncoming traffic suddenly had a green honked at me literally WHAT DO YOU WANT YALL WERE RED WHEN I WAS TURNING. I HAD GREEN 🤧 stupid drivers

I hate how my water intake decreases when I’m out of my house. Vacations, sleep overs at someone else’s house. Need my emotional support #stanley

One of the worst words that’s been culture-vultured/commodified in the black community is ‘hustle’ I cannot stand seeing other races say ‘[side] hustle’. People would vilify anyone who worked a 2nd job 20 years ago, now we’re using ‘side hustle’ casually. Nah baby go ahead and stick to #gigwork

My dream in life is to be one of those ice cups from a Korean 7/11