Get you a woman who regularly plugs in your controller to charge whenever you fall asleep playing Minecraft

Shittiest month ever, but I manage to be grateful for my home, my babies, my wife, my bff and the last gasping remnants of my health holding on for dear life Also for Vyvanse. Thank the gods for Vyvanse.

Lisa Gilroy is my biggest fear. If I ever see her on the street I am running in the opposite direction, she might pry open my jaw and climb down my throat I don’t know what she’d do

You ever get so angry it makes you nauseous

JUICE SPRINGSTEEN

LIVER IS ACTUALLY FINE, BITCHES these genes, the deep Irish in my marrow, the Italian in my arteries, the way I was bred to endure sorrow and its medicine

I now know where we’ll be living in December. It has a yard and a peach tree.

I asked her to calm down because she was acting like a gremlin and I was getting overstimulated. She went quiet for a moment, put on a pair of pink heart shaped sunglasses and a set of mouse ears and then neutrally went about preparing dinner, quiet and calm.

Wife: I’m stressed that we have our second LGBTQ president and he’s a fascist Me: what? Wife: … Me: oh. … wait who was the first? Wife: … Me: OH.

It’s been three weeks of not knowing where we’ll be living by December and I’ve had a bottle of wine and for the first time I’m not thinking about mold or credit scores I’m thinking about Jacob Elordi in Farnekshtoon

I dropped all the plates :(

Update, liver is fine but the antichrist is looking a little small for this trimester I need to drink more infant blood

Several things are true today: • I am fat • I am getting an ultrasound to check on the state of my liver God help the first person to ask about my baby

The movies Black Swan and Sanctuary are Virgo porn.

“You get me some honey and a raw stick of butter & we’ll be just fine” “Well, I guess he’s down in the flesh bog.” “I’m lookin for peanut butter & olive oil now, sir.” “Show me the goat head.” “All dogs go to heaven.” “Don’t like that.”

I’m so sad and angry

James McAvoy is good

When ur mad @ ur wife so you make her video game character look like amateur WWE vanilla ice at a kink party

stop trying to make me care if i'm likable.

This is the hardest I’ve been roasted in a long time and I adore them for it

A tightrope walker will forget on their hundredth and fifteenth performance that their job isn’t just walking in a regular ass straight line Until the night they almost fall.

I stand by that mix I made you.

"Friends" is a beloved American sitcom that aired from 1994 to 2004, following six young adults—Rachel, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe—living in New York City. The show explores their friendships, romances, careers, and personal growth over ten seasons.

do we look for & accept emotional scavenger hunts because we love the thrill or because we’ve never had direct love and support

Virgos

yeah ok shut up I might be watching Stranger Things season 4 and hysterically sobbing so what go kick rocks

Duffer Brothers >> JK Rowling

lesbians

hail the kings

“Baby, what’s wrong? You’re not laughing at my Nosferatu impression of Nosferatu saying ‘are you shitting my doo doo ass’” “I’m too hungover for this” - scenes from a gay kitchen

🔫 don’t test me

I see y’all passively liking this without active contribution you cowards

i wish we had bsky songs like MySpace songs

Lighting candles to the goddess Brigid, Bessel van der Kolk, Emily Dickinson and the sleeping spirit of my current t therapist rn

The only thing worse than wanting to text your ex lover is wanting to text your ex bff

It’s The Great Hadouken, Charlie Brown

Apropos of nothing

What the fuck do you mean there are no good Sheika Slate or Pura Pad iPhone cases. What do you MEAN. I guess they hate money???

there is a subtle gender euphoria to Tevye the dairyman that emerges only in dance

The debate.

ₙᴱᵣᶠ ᴴₑᴿᴰᴱᵣ

Stuff me in a tauntaun daddy

Virgos

Han Solo just called Jabba a “wonderful human being” I have a lot of lore questions for George Lucas

Andor really vindicated Rogue One in a wild way. I didn’t like Rogue One when I first saw it but now I have this sentimental allegiance to it because of the story that came before

Watched all of Andor, then Rogue One and now me and mousewife are embarking on the og trilogy at 11pm