ME: (buys single item from a company) COMPANY: (later that day) Hey check this out & buy it ME: No, company, I bought the one item I desired COMPANY: (outside my house, trying to push the window open) Hey guy, did you buy that other thing yet? (struggling to fit thru gap in window)

A decision was made here and instantly regretted

Just found out these two were married at one point. They both love being on television. Their dinner conversation was probably like “so honey, were you in any television today?”

Folks, you can’t go wrong with peanuts, that classic legume

“Honey how many French toast sticks do we need?” “I don’t know, like 90-105 I’d say? Actually you know what, just to be safe grab another 3.5 pounds”

Just finished another rewatch of Breaking Bad and this gets me every time

[Christmas morning] CEO OF BIC: What did Santa Claus bring you kids? KID 1: Razors! KID 2: Ballpoint pens! KID 3: A lighter!

Whoever named the woodpecker: great job, no notes

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I work in customer service and this is me every December holiday period media0.giphy.com/media/GrUhLU...

Ask your doctor if the human condition is right for you

CELLMATE: “What are you in for?” ME: “Hopefully a great time.”

Just clocking out from the nuclear waste factory and boy are my arms fourteen legs.

Manager: Your fired Me: *You're Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud Me: How did you know I corrected you

For those going home to visit family this weekend: • Samsung calls it Auto Motion Plus • LG calls it TruMotion • Sony calls it Motionflow • Roku calls it Action Smoothing • Google TV calls it Motion Enhancement • Vizio calls it Smooth Motion Effect.

*beetle opens front door for bug party guests* BEETLE: Hey guys come on in! Could everyone please take off their shoes? CENTIPEDE: Shit

Not a bad way to go if you’re in a final destination movie

Meat Loaf is cheesy for sure, but so good

Sure, why not

"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Reminder of one of the darkest moments in history

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

My wife used to work for this super old dude and one day he had an X-Files hat on at the office. She says to him “You like the X-Files too?” And he goes “what’s the X-Files?” And she says “your hat” and he says “oh I found this on the beach”

This shot from The Last of Us is still the funniest thing to happen this year.

I was taking some nice pics of one of my cats, and then my other cat who’s always up my butt became aware that I was nearby

If you’re looking for some good horror movies to watch this month: boxd.it/8TZde

Good morning to the keyboard player in Eddie Money’s “Take Me Home Tonight” who just repeatedly taps the same key thru the chorus, and only to the keyboard player in Eddie Money’s “Take Me Home Tonight” who just repeatedly taps the same key thru the chorus

I don’t know who made this but I think about it a lot

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

I just rewatched the HBO series Carnivále and once again, I am sad and angry it was canceled after only 2 seasons on a cliffhanger! Beautiful, weird show with an incredible cast and music score.

I grew up watching Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure pretty much daily. Paul Reubens was a comedic giant. RIPeeWee

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses and a large Sprite

🚨Little fella alert🚨

Happy Friday, we need a comprehensive essay about why the t-shirts Norm wears in Dirty Work are so damn long

Imagine falling down these stairs to your death

Found something new to say when I’m shocked/surprised

I found some old sketch books from when I was like 12 and I’m sorry but nobody has ever made cooler drawings

Sometimes me and my coworker will go back and forth in MS Teams using only the suggested replies and see how long we can go

I love Yes, mostly their 70s output. I hadn’t really ventured into newer stuff bc I prefer albums with Jon Anderson on vocals but I recently got this album from 2018 and I dig it! It sounds like it could be from 1974.

It’s a little weird that he hung a giant picture of himself on the side of the house

Saw Kendall and Roman’s car at the supermarket today

*Star Wars cantina band plays that one song for the 5,000th time that day* ALIEN: Oh hell yeah

Some recent Polaroid pics I took

Well, we’ll all look forward to that

It’s wild to be a part of something new beginning here. Rian Johnson has 514 followers. Tomorrow he may have 532, it’s pretty special

This place is bumping, just like Hive was

Handsome young man

I have no children, and yet I made Chex mix

These are my pet Rouen ducks