“Well, that depends on what the definition of jizz is” - Bill Clinton, testifying about Epstein today

when all sound stops and all you taste is ash because you start to understand you might not be able to watch the season finale of INDUSTRY live on Sunday, March 26th at 9pm eastern

ok its time for the feelings post: folks the show Strip Law comes out tomorrow on Netflix i never thought id get my own thing to show everyone what i think is funny. i spent the last 2.5ish years (along with tons of other creatives to be lauded later) putting my entire being into this show...

Orgies?! Oh hell no, I don’t even like being in a group chat.

If you don’t want to be a called a Nazi then stop doing Nazi shit.

Ask your doctor if questions are right for you.

"Makin' online jokes done lost it's flavor," he spit into the dying fire. "I think I'm quit." "Maybe it's quit a' you," answered a voice from deep within him. "Maybe" he replied, chewing the last of his beans. In the distance some coyotes gibbered. Almost like laughter. "Maybe"

Oh hey I adopted a dog last year. This is Rosco and this is my favorite picture of him, just absolutely crashed out after partying for a week straight

Orgies?! Oh hell no, I don’t even like being in a group chat.

It’s so cool that Steve Bannon hasn’t faced any consequences for being The Pedophile Rehabilitator. He was besties with Epstein RIGHT BEFORE he went to jail the 2nd time but I still see him being quoted like he’s a Serious Person instead of part of the elite cabal he’s a card carrying member of

“Who brings a gun to a protest?!”

If you don’t want to be a called a Nazi then stop doing Nazi shit.

The Oregon Trail but instead of fjording a river you throw used car batteries in it. Instead of killing animals for meat you build a data center in the forest. Instead of dying from dysentery you die from smallpox AND dysentery.

Great news: I finally overcame my imposter syndrome! Bad news: I killed my identical twin.

LeBron James is French for ‘the Bron James.’

TRUMP: “The time has come to send the Mayor of Chicago and the Governor of Illinois to gitmo!” DEMOCRATS via text message: “THIS IS NOT NORMAL! Reply with a $25 donation to make your voice heard! We will NOT be afraid! We will NOT shut up! We will NOT do anything beyond convey empty rhetoric!”

I’m begging all of you: please stop pulling over and asking if I need a ride. I’m giving you a thumbs-up so you know you’re doing a good job driving. Also, yes. I do need a ride.

Mr. Beast is going to win an Emmy for a video called something like, “LAST ORPHAN OUT AT THE MURDER-SUICIDE MANSION!”

Is the news leaving you depressed? Does the world make you sad now? Is each day worst than the one before? WELCOME TO HOW I’VE FELT MY ENTIRE LIFE, bitches! Shit sucks, don’t it? Just SMILE!

The Oregon Trail but instead of fjording a river you throw used car batteries in it. Instead of killing animals for meat you build a data center in the forest. Instead of dying from dysentery you die from smallpox AND dysentery.

Come see me perform stand-up comedy one last time! Sat. June 21st at the Pine Box Rock Shop in BK. $10, all proceeds going to the Ali Forney Center to help at-risk LGBTQ+ youth. 7pm! Travis is hilarious, Lucy is a comedy genius, plus, me?!

Times are tough right now. I just went to cross a bridge and my local troll only asked me to solve his riddles two.

Times are tough right now. I just went to cross a bridge and my local troll only asked me to solve his riddles two.

Happy belated 4/20 + Easter “He has resin.”

Haha! Get him, leopards! Wait… no, stop! My face! My beautiful white Anglo face! How could this have happened TO ME?!

They’re really doing it… De-Ba'athification for old folks. You know who’s ready to strap on a vest because the government says no more money for you? 90-year-olds.

All the wrong people hate themselves.

If someone owns… 0-5 snakes, they also sell weed. 6-10 snakes, they also sell molly. 11-20 snakes, they also sell swords and ketamine. 20-40 snakes, they also sell the good swords and fake social security cards. 50+ snakes, they also sell snakes.

All the wrong people hate themselves.

Capitalism is socialism but only for the top 1%.

The leftist Beekeeper’s origin story? I’m listening…

I moved to NYC when I was 25, which means this year is 18 years out here. I’ve always lived with multiple roommates. I currently live with 7 other people. But tomorrow, I move into my own studio apartment in Brooklyn. It is a dream come true. I “won” it because of the NYC housing lottery. If you…

Does anyone want to do brunch or self-immolate this weekend?

HHS Rfk Jr takes his final form

Eat glass. Walk into oncoming traffic. Break your arms and legs. Stop using the steering wheel when you drive. Turn off the lights. Start fires. Stop cutting your hair. Embrace slow gas leaks. Spend your kids college funds on online sports betting. And for the love of God: smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

Still no legs? Interesting...

Check, please!

I lie to make people happy, I waste precious energy resources, I hallucinate all the time… when do I get to be AI?

My relationship with Big wasn’t the only thing I blew up that day. At the Trinity test site I detonated the first plutonium bomb, unleashing a 22 kiloton blast. Had I become Death, destroyer of worlds? Meanwhile uptown, Samantha had her hands full with her own “Manhattan project”

Yes, the apocalypse is here but how exciting is this? It’s a girl!

I have a normal brain

my fantasy former US presidents team is in shambles

When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang

Right before he took the first shot Luigi Mangione whispered, “This is copayback, bitch.”

Doctor House? You mean, like, a hospital?

My youth pastor drops to his knees as I hit him with a simple in and out dribble. God can’t save him now

“What if a whistle was also a piano?” - the inventor of the harmonica

Technically, it’s a “manifest-ohhhhh!”

it’s time for a womanifesto, right ladies??? 💅🏽💅🏽💅🏽🥹🥹🥹