Hardcore show got me feeling like hitchbot

Hop off my dick bitch im trying to watch the boondocks

Ice Cream Bar Crawl

Dick was so trash I had to get bottom surgery call that junk removal

space alien doing burnouts in a ufo

Doing backflips over a turtle

We goin 450mph on Florida Avenue hitting seagulls with our car

Everyone hates playing strip poker with me bevause I start cutting myself

*Talking about her circumcision*: are you a hoodrat or do you cut yourself?

We chillin at the home depot in the areola section on Busch Ave looking out for al-Queda

I bring an atrocious and unsettling vibe to the function

Saluting towards mecca to support 9/11

I licked the boots at the thrift store and speedran every STD

Nicotine-themed funeral

mistook my gun for my inhaler and won a Disney Fast Pass™ to Valhalla

I'm at the kava bar showing women numbers you've never even heard of

Changing colors on mountain hue

Nancy Reagan was the terminator for throat sucking

I'm going to the renfair as Joe Rogan

Sicilian Hypno Compilation

I'm the Katie Ledecky of eating box

Going to The Castle to mansplain the moon to goth women

“Abolish (x)” is such a sanitized avoidance of what really needs to happen, which sounds a lot more like “violently revolt against (x).” The use of “abolish” almost makes it sound like if we get rid of this one thing, it would solve the issue. “Abolish ICE!!” Hey, I got a better idea:

Gangnam Style while I'm riding that thang 💯

Doing the worm in my girlfriend's bed bc I'm dirty as fuck

I can't stop going to panera and shoving the pagers up my ass. Im having an asiago bagel-themed prostate orgasm every Saturday and I couldn't feel any more alive

The people who didn’t vote withheld their support not because they thought it was going to make something happen; people couldn’t stomach casting a vote for someone they knew wasn’t going to make anything happen but more death.

Doing my little cnc dance in the kitchen

I did not ask for that man to be on my TV in the middle of the football game.

I’m can’t wait to dead name the Gulf of Mexico.

ACT UP, 1990

Since everything is terrible, enjoy my rotten cat making bed biscuits when she was wee

Putting a homophobic slur in my resume

Writing a wikihow article on how to teach your dog to cripwalk. Thoughts?

Complaining to my manager that the workplace isn't muppet-accessible enough

My roommate keeps crowdkilling my dog so I had to terminate her lease

*talking to my friends* You, a recovering bottom,

Doing a kidnapping scene with this parapalegic twink I met at The Front Bottoms concert and taking the legs off of him like its a futon in my storage unit so he can fit in my car

Porn acting through my own suicide attempt

I'm in the club dancing like a Hotel Transylvania character

Becoming a mechanical engineer to make plane engines bigger and more powerful so they can kill more birds

They should've started playing Break Stuff after Trump got shot

Dishonorably discharged from the 2nd grade

Retirement via firing squad

Sucking on her discharge like Kurt Cobain

My wife keeps doing fortnite dances whenever I start talk about my abuse

Asexuals be like: im living breedlessly

Breeding my pug to make it more fucked up and have more breathing problems

unfortunately pride month has gone woke and begun pandering to the lgbtq community

Are fire ants spicy food to ant eaters