I'm the Katie Ledecky of eating box

Going to The Castle to mansplain the moon to goth women

“Abolish (x)” is such a sanitized avoidance of what really needs to happen, which sounds a lot more like “violently revolt against (x).” The use of “abolish” almost makes it sound like if we get rid of this one thing, it would solve the issue. “Abolish ICE!!” Hey, I got a better idea:

Gangnam Style while I'm riding that thang 💯

Doing the worm in my girlfriend's bed bc I'm dirty as fuck

I can't stop going to panera and shoving the pagers up my ass. Im having an asiago bagel-themed prostate orgasm every Saturday and I couldn't feel any more alive

The people who didn’t vote withheld their support not because they thought it was going to make something happen; people couldn’t stomach casting a vote for someone they knew wasn’t going to make anything happen but more death.

Doing my little cnc dance in the kitchen

I did not ask for that man to be on my TV in the middle of the football game.

I’m can’t wait to dead name the Gulf of Mexico.

ACT UP, 1990

Since everything is terrible, enjoy my rotten cat making bed biscuits when she was wee

Putting a homophobic slur in my resume

Writing a wikihow article on how to teach your dog to cripwalk. Thoughts?

Complaining to my manager that the workplace isn't muppet-accessible enough

My roommate keeps crowdkilling my dog so I had to terminate her lease

*talking to my friends* You, a recovering bottom,

Doing a kidnapping scene with this parapalegic twink I met at The Front Bottoms concert and taking the legs off of him like its a futon in my storage unit so he can fit in my car

Porn acting through my own suicide attempt

I'm in the club dancing like a Hotel Transylvania character

Becoming a mechanical engineer to make plane engines bigger and more powerful so they can kill more birds

They should've started playing Break Stuff after Trump got shot

Dishonorably discharged from the 2nd grade

Retirement via firing squad

Sucking on her discharge like Kurt Cobain

My wife keeps doing fortnite dances whenever I start talk about my abuse

Asexuals be like: im living breedlessly

Breeding my pug to make it more fucked up and have more breathing problems

unfortunately pride month has gone woke and begun pandering to the lgbtq community

Are fire ants spicy food to ant eaters

Backshots so raw they undid my circumcision

The worm mob is trying to silence me for the things I know about Big Apple

Posting a video of my suicide to the tf2 steam workshop

Sneaking a chip from my wife's plate while she's busy crying

Practicing my Garry's Mod face in the mirror

Whenever my wife gets too close to me I start breathing like a pug

Posting my suicide note on truth social

Writing my suicide note on the jeremy renner app

Taking a tolerance break from sobriety

Getting groomed on Microsoft Teams

Damn that bitxh is hung! (Talking about her breatst)

i piss laminar flow

straight women i am literally begging you to love yourselves

screams at an unpleasant volume

I’ve heard the phrase “colder than a witch’s tit” but this is ridiculous

Do you think cavemen knew what jelqing was, and if they don't, do you think we could teach them?

Activating my perc force field