There’s a lot to unpack here but the only thing you need to know is that yes, I did what they say I did, but not for the reasons they claim. All I did was fuck another man’s wife and pay to keep it a secret. I did NOT sell out my country. Now that we’re clear, all is fine, right? — A. Hamilton

Found out if you don’t wear clothes they kick you out of McDonald’s restaurant

The Beatles invented sex and that has been regarded ever since as a very good move for them.

I think capitalism has severely undermined every social justice movement because inevitably the people involved have to move on and survive.

People always imagine that what comes after society is forced to reckon with industrialization as being just an aberration in human history and not sustainable is catastrophic. I would at least enjoy for a moment imagining that we end up with vaccines and a global community of cooperation and rights

It used to be that if you were an incredible fan of something or someone’s work, you had to travel to their city and wait outside the stage door in the rain and hope they smiled at you. Now you can simply log online and see people call them names.

dreamt a publisher said I have to do social media so I signed up for an EarthLink email account they can put in the bio flap

The boys of Summer are on their way.

I’ve seen the worst thinkers of my generation in the bylines of the Times

It’s frustrating, surely, to be as easily and repeatedly fooled as the New York Times editorialists, and their only solace seems to be the joy they manifest in being collaborators and the amount of money they get paid to advocate so ceaselessly for the devil

The biggest mistake you can make is joining somebody else’s cult instead of starting your own.

Every day is a chance to solve the JFK assassination and we’re falling short.

I read not to keep the demons at bay but to welcome them into my home in such a way as to make them uneasy and eager to leave.

TOTALLY ACCURATE WRITING SIMULATOR is a video game I just made up where you wear a VR headset and do all of the things writers do except for writing

It’s clear to me which pope is secretly on mastodon

Kid lit explores people’s choices before they’ve come to make all of the compromises demanded by adult life.

The Baby-Sitters Club taught me that the most effective way to get a high stakes job done is by contracting with the right local children.

Growing up is entirely about testing the fences for vulnerabilities with no real plan of what to do if you really do get your freedom. Adulthood is just sixty years of coming up with your plan.

the only practical value in getting an MFA is knowing for sure that no one else knows what they’re doing either

Dreamt @maureenjohnsonbooks.com wrote THE VELVET KNIFE in full pages of iambic pentameter, honoring the ancient practice of telling tales of heroes in such a way as to please literature teachers everywhere.

As a child, I also wondered about multiplexing before the theory was introduced formally to my life.

VLC guys doing what software should always be about

My pitch for a children’s television show is David Attenborough narrating real descriptions of animal behavior to Play-Doh models of the given species.

I grew up almost entirely on big band music from the 40s and cooking shows from people like Graham Kerr and Jennifer Paterson and Clarissa Dickson Wright. I was essentially thirty or forty years old by the age of eight.

I grew up as a small child watching the incredible cooking show Two Fat Ladies alone in my parent‘s bedroom. The presence of those two personalities delivering the news of the day in the form of savory meals was my sense of normal. You can see how everything that followed was informed by that.

My school counselors were mister rogers and lois duncan

I begin every email and that is my first mistake.

before you hit favorite on my tweets that’s just them being preclear

I hope that you will remember me for my commitment to never follow a billionaire into a submarine.

Dreamt I was in an MFA program with @maureenjohnsonbooks.com in the 1990s and our professor would hand back our respective work with notes like, “Stop writing about juicy asses,” and we would look at each other and reply “never.” Look at us now.

There are only a few truly famous literary world dogs. There’s just Zelda Johnson, Wishbone, or Spuds McKensie.

ᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟ lexapro

YA is the only category in literature predicated on three ideas simultaneously: that what we need will always be available within us, that truth is always accessible to those who want it, and that you should never eat donuts offered to you in an attic.

Colbert guest hosted a public access TV show in Monroe, Michigan a day after the Late Show ended. Guest star: Jeff Daniels Special appearance by: Eminem Musical director: Jack White Genius. youtu.be/jJTXB5uT_C4?...

PLEASE EMAIL YOUR PROBLEMS TO Maureen Johnson Books @ FREE MONKEY DOT ORG FOR NEXT-DAY SERVICE

@maureenjohnsonbooks.com when the book is due

I’ve had three mentors in my life. John, Yoko, and Maureen.

If @maureenjohnsonbooks.com became President, I would be her chief of staff and we would turn that White House into the best damn Olive Garden in the tristate area.

My life is just a string of various deeply held commitments to the bit

Dreamt @maureenjohnsonbooks.com wrote a free ebook called The Potatoes Underneath. This became something of a cult classic among potato readers.

and yes, a respected colleague calculated the intensity of the on-stage storm because that’s what heroes do.

@maureenjohnsonbooks.com and I when we’re out on the town

All kidding aside, I would not open the pod bay doors for any of you, except for like five of you.

Dreamt I asked @maureenjohnsonbooks.com for advice on my resume. She said “First, everyone loves the Enron story. Second, tell that story.” I wasn‘t sure what she meant but I got the feeling that I better go ahead and try that, because people really do love an accounting scandal.

The next James Bond ought to be Yoko.

'No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Party That Unilaterally Surrenders

The first thing you need to know in this life is that America’s code of conduct includes everything except being poor.