The state of Twitter, 2025: I make a Jar Jar Twinks joke and it's so quiet I can hear the tumbleweed blowing across the empty prairie. I live in a city.

Science had been able to explain a substantial portion of the world around us but it still cannot account for the reason why 98% of chimney sweeps have a violent hatred for the 1980s sitcom "Who's The Boss?" It remains a mystery, perhaps for all time.

Should be asleep RN but am kept awake, shaking, after realizing Oprah never guest-starred on Masters of the Universe in the 80s.

I'm pulling for them in this fight.

I believe The Towering Inferno is the only film in cinematic history where OJ Simpson hands a cat to Fred Astaire.

Two kings.

Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake

But remember that the magical truth about Christmas gift shopping is

Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE

Be like Picard this holiday season.

If we lived in a just society, I'd be gorging on Hostess Turtles Pies rn.

Yes, Jack Napier, I have danced with the devil by the pale moonlight. He's a poor dancer AND handsy.

A lot of writers talk about their greatest fear being the empty page but to me that’s nothing compared to mummies

The Wonder Mike verse of Rapper's Delight where he just suddenly starts going off about how much the food at his friend's house just completely fucking sucks is a Thanksgiving song.

Predators would lead longer lives if they just stayed on their home planet and watched Predator reality TV.

Kool Aid Man's Only Fans is the highlight of the entire internet.

Some guys once told me that "Psychic spies from China try to steal your mind's elation" and I was like "what in the living fuck are you talking about you cracked-up morons??? Put down the pipe!"

The difference in time between now and I can has cheezburger Is the same between I can has Cheezburger and the Berlin Wall falling

SERIOUSLY

Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles’ https://theonion.com/trump-denies-writing-36-volume-comic-titled-don-and-jeff-time-pedophiles/

Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee https://theonion.com/cat-follows-man-through-apartment-like-racist-walgreens-employee/

Classic VHS.

It's weird that they're called the Children of the Corn when they prefer green beans.

"No. I have never been employed as Danny Glover's fluffer." - me, during every job interview I've ever done.

Choose your fighter.

Only the good pornos use the Wilhelm Scream when the people cum.

In this economy, that is a steal!

This is Ceti Alpha 5?

The main difference between women IRL vs online is when you tap their "like" button in person, they knee you in the balls.

If you rewatch ET, knowing the truth that ET was just a human being who was one of the first crack addicts in Reagan's America and the feds were the CIA... the film plays differently.

As you cancel streaming services, here is a casual reminder that only 16% of Americans read for pleasure anymore, and your local library has hundreds or thousands of books you haven't read. They would love to see you stop by and renew your library card.

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

I, like most rational people, wonder how Octomom felt about Ewok Celebration (aka Yub Nub) being removed and replaced in the Return of the Jedi Special Edition.

A slutty dog.

Today marks 22 years since my gigapet was put to sleep by the state after byte-ing a kid.

It's sad that Hewlett-Packard had to fire every employee hired over the past 3 1/2 years in order to comply with the Trump administration. Turns out the head of their HR department was Franklin Dei, so all those employees -even the straight white males- were technically DEI hires.