lying naked on the sofa and asking my husband to paint me like one of his Warhammer 40k miniatures

The next episode of HAIL CHAOS is out on Thursday! But a sneak peek- meet the mermaid Slippy Gilly, played by the sensational @rhiannoneshaw.bsky.social! What dark purpose does she serve? Follow the pod to find out: podfollow.com/1878456149 #comedy #podcast #mermaid #ttrpg #dnd

the worst thing? That’s not even his mum. She just does that to random kids 😔

I learned everything I know about the US from sitcoms, so I was pleasantly surprised to discover when I visited last year that their living rooms do actually have fourth walls

one of my favourite ways to annoy my husband on April Fools day is sending him screenshots of normal articles with the caption ‘hilarious! They had me going for a second there!’

‘What shall we call our Turkish takeaway?’ ‘Oooh something Turkish, like Moulin Rouge’ ‘Oh so everything will be red then?’ ‘No’

why identify yourself by your Hogwarts House when you could simply say if you’re a bitch, lover, child or mother

the spitfire and the apple crumble were both invented for war. But which would come out on top in an aerial battle? There’s only one way to find out-

‘And lo, the man did ask Jesus ‘should I forgive my neighbour for his treachery?’ And Jesus did say-‘

wow it’s a transcription of my side of phone calls with my mum

don’t like them for this and don’t like her husband either, because why on earth would you stay with someone who wanted you to do something so cruel

why is the school bully in this poster about 45

watching Emily in Paris which by this point is more product placement than plot

TIL: When the Original Star Wars Trilogy finally aired on Chilean TV in 2003, the network spliced custom beer commercials into the films themselves to avoid cutting to commercial breaks. these additional scenes turn Obi-Wan & Luke into raging space alcoholics who are constantly shotgunning booze.

missed my telephone GP appointment and now will run out of essential medication because I was taking a photo of ‘pulled pork tea’

a question for non sitcom characters - have you ever met up with a friend BEFORE work?

good, we need to stop giving Jerry Seinfeld all these spin offs

what came first, the high seas piracy or the DVD kind

was away from my 3 month old today so him and my husband had a boys’ day. They went to Warhammer World together and I came home to them watching Platoon

just moved into a new flat and someone had left a half used roll of kitchen towel next to the toilet. It was perfect, tragic contextual storytelling

one prerequisite of selling on Gumtree is spelling things in new and previously impossible ways

shit! my two month old son has learned to text!

do Parma ham and Parma violets even come from the same animal

been wandering around all day whispering ‘Jack of potatoes’

Severance fans, me and my pal Dan do a podcast about it with hilarious comedian guests. Like and subscribe as the kids say! podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

@andydawson.bsky.social instantly thought of you and Bob when I saw Harry’s being a Boots McKindness as part of the Flat White Harts

man on the train watching TikTok without headphones. On INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY??

forget mainstream media, this is where I get news I can trust

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant is Billy Joel’s epic tale of going to a place that doesn’t serve orange wine

Hello friends I’m doing a show at Leicester this week! 8.30pm, 13th February. Please come! comedy-festival.co.uk/events/rhian...

I would like to hear boygenius cover this

if a vampire is older or more senior than you you should really be saying nosferavous

oh my god someone save this cat

this sign tells a story

they say our generation will never be homeowners but we’ve broken the curse 🥰 can’t wait to fix up the place with this one 🔑

and is this ‘baby’ in the womb with us right now?

confusing when I see a boxing match organised weeks in advance. How do they already know the two boxers will be mad enough at each other to fight?

to think, this would be much less cool if their instrument of choice was the tuba

did you know? if you listen to The Beatles ‘I Am The Walrus’ forwards you can hear John Lennon confessing to being a walrus

BECAUSE PEOPLE FIXED IT YOU NUTWANKS

my husband and I’s favourite thing at the moment is to imagine Lord of The Rings exactly the same except everyone drives a car

my in-laws small village has beaten death 👏

I always say this before a man goes down on me

oh you gave up your seat to a pregnant woman on the tube? Last time I saw a pregnant woman walking, I stopped my car and I gave it to her. Papers and everything. She caused a pile up, as she could NOT legally drive

I saw the best comic minds of my generation get up on stage and ask if anyone had seen their TikToks

I wish I cared about anything as much as my cat cares about a bug he maybe saw

yelling ‘WHO IS SHE??’ every time my husband gets a 2 factor authentication text

watching The Beatles Get Back and quite disappointed. Scene where Paul only knows about half of the lyrics to Let It Be. You’d think he’d have learned them, it’s a really famous song

a beloved parrot died today