They broke in after an MJ Lenderman song with the Jane Goodall news and that's how I found out she died.

It’s so crazy that we live in a world where anyone with power is required to drink a thimble of mercury every morning to start the day but I guess there isn’t any other way to run a society.

Everyone was in agreement that they did not believe in Hell anymore per se. Was it even mentioned in the Bible after all? But also that they nevertheless wished that it were in fact real. If only for the sake of these goddamned bastards.

We’ve got a great ad vs reality situation going on here. That corgi in the ad must be an absolute unit!

Everyone needs some kind of rebellion or sense of transgressing the rules and for me, that means I don’t give A FUCK what the scientists say, I’m jamming a cotton swab into my ear to scrape off the wax.

After some deep soul-searching and speaking with my team, I've decided to step back from my planned performance at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. Thank you for your understanding and watch this space!

None of them are the worst because every city is a sweetie and I love them all (except Charlotte which sucks ass).

Reading through some of Kaleb’s stuff again and this one was such a pleasant read.

fifty years after the second nuremberg trials there are gonna be kids going into their grandfathers basement and finding these in carefully hidden display cases

Am on a run and just got flagged down by someone using my full, Christian name and it was jarring.

Horrible and awful to hear. Kaleb was one of the kindest and most creative people I’ve ever accidentally found online and I loved what he had to say about pretty much everything.

breaking the bank at Vons because the meteorologists were correct

It is kind of bonkers how much better they are at understanding and wielding power than the Democrats.

Kudos to the prankster who decided to place this painting of a crying child immediately above anyone who is standing to pee.

A surprise (to me) Neko Case album?

LOLlie Watkins

Lou Holtz is still alive???

looking ahead

It’s crazy they never made a middle ground between “stupid busy” and “bored as shit.” Someone should look into this.

Killer sunrise this morning.

Did it happen? Or is the rapture not running on Eastern daylight time?

Given the news of today’s EO, I hereby disavow any and all sandwich-related Antifa activities.

Got a new car. Make sure you waive when you see me around town. Here’s my license plate so you know it’s me.

🙏🙏

I’m just glad he’ll have more time to spend celebrating Christmas in not-at-all weird or inexplicable ways.

Comedy's legal again, T.

thank god I won’t have to deal with turning 42 after all

Explaining to my 13-year old that I’m seeing Mannequin Pussy in a couple of weeks by hedging that the band name has a “rude word” in it.

The real mystery of Black Rabbit is why Jude Law’s character only drinks Italian lagers.

sometimes you see something so evangelical that it takes your breath away

They’re calling it “the best day of the year to stay offline,” and we’ve invited one scientist here to explain why.

Taking my new shirt out on the town.

One of the biggest mistakes left-of-center pundits and influencers made was decamping to my big huge ass.

should have listened five fucking years ago

Put the whole damn table on our back and broad shoulders. Do you think we haven’t been here before??

Thirty years in they all somehow still think of their local drive-through Starbucks on the stroad outside of the mcmansion development they all live in a two hour commute away from work as like an outpost or embassy of Woke. It's just a store buddy. Always was.

🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

🦦 Be aware. PSA: A sea otter shell-ebration is sweeping social media next week! Text📲OTTERMEDIA to 54159 to opt into Aquarium texts and stay hip to the coolest sea otter content all week long.

I played 2 hours of soccer and fear I may never move again. What an idiot!!

pitch perfect impression of me how does he do it

Eddie Howe is looking like he’s fresh off the treatment table (Botox).

Working hard.

Showing up at the shareholder meeting to berate the company for not being woke enough. Or wait, it’s Thursday. Is it to berate them for being too woke? I forgot the schedule.

I so much appreciate what Dawn brings into my own little world and have to believe that what she's a part of at SJC is many, many multiples of that. Consider tossing a few bucks toward an org doing great work.

Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk

I can’t believe the woke mob is killing off the late night television format!

Cole Palmer’s haircut is an op to piss me, specifically, off.

joining a zoom call with camera OFF

time for me to man up and fill this out