reminder that the conversation these parents don't want to have isn't "mom, what is a gay person?" it's "mom, why isn't that gay person evil like you tell me they are?" because they are absolutely already talking to their kids, and everyone else, about gay people all the fucking time

hey yeah i'm not gonna make it in to work today. yeah sorry. sorry. i chilled too hard last night.... i know... no. i can't come in, i'm still chill. i was still chill when i woke up this morning. no. no, don't send someone to pick me up. i'm too chill to work today. yeah, sorry.

when i was a kid i made horror movies with my friends. tom sullivan, the guy who did the special effects for the evil dead films, helped us with special effects. in the 7th grade i asked if he could come to my school for career day. he brought a the necronomicon and linda's leg.

everyone whining about crockett losing would absolutely flip their shit if she dared challenge gavin newsom in the presidential primary

reaching for the health inspector's pen while i condescendingly explain why it's actually kind of funny how everything in the walk in cooler was labeled "MOON"

if someone asked me my favorite song, gun to my head, i would say that it's right behind them then disarm them while they are distracted

gavin newsom: [screeching with joy as he rides the bloody ghost of ronald reagan into the night sky]

a guy tried this at the salt lake city olympics and was shot to death by the police

when you were partying, i played a video game. When you were having premarital sex, i played a different video game. while you wasted your days at the gym in pursuit of vanity, i played yet another video game.

catherine o'hara was a beacon of light and once the world has crumbled to dust, she will have been the funniest human being to ever walk the face of it

logging off of the what's will stancil up to app

explaining a boycott to a dutch person; so imagine a burger

the paul is dead conspiracy, but it's air bud

anybody have 200 bucks i could borrow? it's kind of urgent

the guy who spent the last decade crying about the fall of civilization because artists don't produce enough greco-romanesque marble sculptures to guy actively cheering on the prospect of ai replacing every facet of the creative process behind all current forms of human expression pipeline

narrator: and the gamers never had another year again

i'm here you gotaas

lmao bro i just had the funniest idea ok so a dad in a sitcom bro a sitcom episode where the dad has to go on a diet bro like steamed broccoli and chicken type shit lmao it's on his plate bro and he is just staring at it bro hahaha and his family is eating fried chicken and he's all angry hahaha

santa claus weighing my heart on a scale against a feather

getting high (lorazepam) and becoming a haunted VHS tape that marks people for death 7 (seven) days after they watch me

gumby's dick is just a normal dick. it doesn't stretch or change shapes or anything cool, that's why they never showed it in any episodes.

the hill i choose to die on

[at job interview] my greatest strength is that when i fuck something up i play it off legit

patiently, with love, explaining to my cat that he's just a little dude. a gordy. a little gordito. a little doodle. a deet doot.

getting really high (weed) and becoming a child psychologist that doesnt realize he is dead

Playlist entitled "Birthday party magician who folds immediately under pressure"

not the big thing here, but another thing no normal person could ever possibly want is a transparent phone

according to your bloodwork, you lack tenacity, sticktuitiveness, and you have dangerously low levels of explosiveness off the draw. unfortunately there's nothing i or anyone else can do for you but pray

look asshole, all i'm saying is that if you don't want me licking your lamp, maybe buy one that isn't made of delicious himalayan salt

i was never really interested in star trek as a kid but for some reason watched our family's vhs copy of star trek: generations hundreds of times. it is my only insight into the series. i assume the nexus is a cornerstone that plays a very important role throughout, but i will never know.

[guy talking loudly on phone] christmas plans? gonna go visit my nexus family. nexus family, yeah. i have a wife and kids in the nexus. yeah, like a living echo of a life i turned my back on... or not i dunno, but they're chill. anyway, they go all out for christmas it's kind of their only thing.

manifesting* knowledge** out*** of**** the***** ether****** to impress and humble my coworkers *asking **my ***older ****brother *****about ******boobs

seeking investors for a tech startup where myself, my friend marty, and a third person that is also me exchange money between ourselves indefinitely

bringing a wife to a nun fight

tesla shareholders know that musk shifting focus to ai won't ever amount to anything. they do not care. they approved the pay package because they have rejected their humanity and think it's really cool that someone could be a trillionaire.

i walk out of stores without buying anything all the time because i'm very good at shoplifting and it doesn't feel illegal it feels cool

🎵 The Experience - September 11, 2001 (9/11)

ernest borg9000

never actually seen the french crown jewels before and lmao this is what they look like? hilarious clown shit.

naming my cigarette before i smoke it so the emotional bond is stronger

new divorce guy just dropped

turning off the radio and spending the 20 minute drive home from work saying hunkin it dumb boy style out loud to myself every couple minutes

guy who's not like super into toad the wet sprocket or anything but appreciates them for what they were and thinks their 1992 performance of 'walk on the ocean' from the tonight show with jay leno was really good, especially the mandolin solo

people will say "you can't live in a bubble" and yet not let a man who wants them dead live in their home

walking up to anyone enjoying anything ever and explaining to them how much richer their experience would be if they were constantly having to defend their right to exist while doing it

logging on to the health* and wellness** device *shitting **posting

and what's with streaming tiers these days? youtube premium lite? i don't know whether to watch it or to drink it! what's next, youtube malt ice? [thumps microphone on forehead] some of the stuff they come up with... yeah. crazy world folks... [scans audience for a woman that isn't enjoying herself]

halfway through writing a reddit post about how nigel pulsford from bush was an underrated guitarist from the post-grunge era, looking at the clock and seeing that it's nearly 1 am, then discarding the post out of personal shame

smartest editorial writers in the world: how could a boy raised in the type of environment where cracker barrel changing its logo is seen as a legitimate threat to their way of life ever lash out with violence?