bro she does it all, she does everything bro 24/7 performance, absorbant, tight clumping, dust free, and eliminates odors on contact bro

me before i quit skateboarding

👏 REMAKE 👏 JOHN 👏 CARPENTER’S 👏 GHOSTS 👏 OF 👏 MARS 👏 AND 👏 HIRE 👏 JOHN 👏 CARPENTER 👏 AND 👏 ANTHRAX 👏 TO 👏 DO 👏 THE 👏 MUSIC 👏 AGAIN 👏

a lotta yall still dont get it. bluesky mods can use multiple strikes on a single violation. so if you have 1 violation and 3 mods you can create 3 new strikes. tonight's strike mint event is essentially a minting event for both bluesky mods and terfs

a patriotic american getting increasingly upset walking around inside an ikea

oh you're wife is a disney adult? yeah, i can relate. my husband is a schaumburg adult.

being stripped of my knighthood at medieval times for betting on the matches

that guy from work who recommends things to do in chicago, but for schaumburg

oh you're going to be in schaumburg? i've made a lot of deals in schaumburg. buddy, do yourself a favor and stop by the mall. yeah, the mall. they have a sketcher's store their that will change how you think about sketchers. they sell the good sketchers there, not that shit you see in the box stores

guys will be like "i give the best shoulder rubs" then irreparably fuck your shit up like lenny from of mice and men

catch me outside motherfucker, see what happens [holds the door open for you but you're far enough behind me that this attempt at courtesy becomes weird and uncomfortable for both of us]

so then this guy goes, "forgive them father, for they know not what they do" like i'm a fuckin idiot or something...

bro, of course i will enable you during a manic episode, you know i got your back. i'm just glad you're talking to me bro, let's do this

everyone should follow at least one furry account, just to give you peeks into a better more exciting world

guy who calls himself a historian of vibes

by 20 years old you could either take meth and smash your face with a hammer for aesthetics and eventually overdose on a live stream or direct chiwetel ejiofor and renate reinsve in a major studio film based on youtube videos you started making in blender when you were 17, but you can't do both

when the joint makes it back to you before the salvia has worn off

george ribbit ribbit martin

getting myself kicked out of the backrooms for smoking inside

being sent back in time by the democratic party to show aaron sorkin a handful of news articles and donald trump posts from 2026, and request that he write a script that will save the soul of the country before it is too late

kid at work has a dad my age and is trying to relate to me by playing music his dad listened to and saying he grew up on it. i don't know how to break it to him that his dad is basic. basic and likely a closeted homosexual.

when i hear people talking up the later episodes of dragonball gt

the western organism cannot comprehend mambo no. 5 (a little bit of...)

getting fined at the weigh station for hauling too much ass

an empath but for horniness

john mellencamp shining a spotlight on an audience member who watched two kids choke to death sucking on chili dogs and did nothing to save them

my cat seeing the special bed i got just for him for the first time:

he has finally discovered that it is for him

being charged with theft for leaving the hospital with surgical scissors inside my body

reminder that the conversation these parents don't want to have isn't "mom, what is a gay person?" it's "mom, why isn't that gay person evil like you tell me they are?" because they are absolutely already talking to their kids, and everyone else, about gay people all the fucking time

hey yeah i'm not gonna make it in to work today. yeah sorry. sorry. i chilled too hard last night.... i know... no. i can't come in, i'm still chill. i was still chill when i woke up this morning. no. no, don't send someone to pick me up. i'm too chill to work today. yeah, sorry.

when i was a kid i made horror movies with my friends. tom sullivan, the guy who did the special effects for the evil dead films, helped us with special effects. in the 7th grade i asked if he could come to my school for career day. he brought a the necronomicon and linda's leg.

reaching for the health inspector's pen while i condescendingly explain why it's actually kind of funny how everything in the walk in cooler was labeled "MOON"

if someone asked me my favorite song, gun to my head, i would say that it's right behind them then disarm them while they are distracted

gavin newsom: [screeching with joy as he rides the bloody ghost of ronald reagan into the night sky]

a guy tried this at the salt lake city olympics and was shot to death by the police

when you were partying, i played a video game. When you were having premarital sex, i played a different video game. while you wasted your days at the gym in pursuit of vanity, i played yet another video game.

catherine o'hara was a beacon of light and once the world has crumbled to dust, she will have been the funniest human being to ever walk the face of it

logging off of the what's will stancil up to app

explaining a boycott to a dutch person; so imagine a burger

the paul is dead conspiracy, but it's air bud

anybody have 200 bucks i could borrow? it's kind of urgent

the guy who spent the last decade crying about the fall of civilization because artists don't produce enough greco-romanesque marble sculptures to guy actively cheering on the prospect of ai replacing every facet of the creative process behind all current forms of human expression pipeline

narrator: and the gamers never had another year again

i'm here you gotaas

lmao bro i just had the funniest idea ok so a dad in a sitcom bro a sitcom episode where the dad has to go on a diet bro like steamed broccoli and chicken type shit lmao it's on his plate bro and he is just staring at it bro hahaha and his family is eating fried chicken and he's all angry hahaha

santa claus weighing my heart on a scale against a feather

getting high (lorazepam) and becoming a haunted VHS tape that marks people for death 7 (seven) days after they watch me

gumby's dick is just a normal dick. it doesn't stretch or change shapes or anything cool, that's why they never showed it in any episodes.