i'm trying to come up with songs that could never, ever, ever, no chance in hell be improved by a cover. so far i only have two entries on the list: "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "Fuck the Pain Away"

MMMBibimbap is Hanson's song about eating Korean food. MMMBurp is Hanson's song about finishing eating Korean food

Trump's failing mental health has accomplished what liberals never could: stopping the country from turning into a dictatorship.

Jesus and Mary ascended to heaven in human bodies. at some point they had to take one last shit up there. since bacteria don't have souls, it never decomposed so there's a couple of holy shits sitting on a cloud in the afterlife. i wonder if they made historical marker plaques for them

the most unbelievable part of Superman is that the media would say something negative about a billionaire

"God" is such a dumb idea. It's like, "What if some dude made everything?" Uh... okay... we can throw that in the "maybe pile". But let's try to figure out what actually happened

could you date someone who owns cryptocurrency?

normalize doing this 🤏 at dudes driving sports cars

side effects may include drowsiness, sense of euphoria, tingling in or discharge from the genitals. ask your doctor if Orgasm™ is right for you

Caturday is the best holiday with turd in its name. Much more enjoyable than Easturd.

They should make a movie like Toy Story except all the toys are toy soldiers and the soldiers are in a war. Has anyone ever made a movie about war?

Old Mort the pool attendant lorded over the pool all summer with a tight, evil-eyed, knowing grin on his face. "Did you pee in the pool, Mort?" I asked "Oh... it's not pee," he said. I was glad it wasn't pee, and I think Mort was glad too because he chuckled to himself, grinning even more

a combination moisturizer/desiccant lotion that leaves your normal skin looking its normalest

Used to go to punk and metal shows and slam in the pit, now I apologize when I bump into mannequins

my love language is sharing my camelbak nozzle with my boyfriend and saying, "yeah, suck it, slut"

The One Secret Lifehack They Don't Want You to Know!! (Cutting off other cars in traffic to get to your destination 0.0002 seconds sooner.)

JD Vance goes to the gym in jeans

i know we've all tried doing nothing to fix everything but what if we did nothing more?

you're only friends with benefits if it's deducted pre-tax from your paystub. otherwise you're just sparkling sluts.

if they made self-checkouts moan when scanning an item, you'd get more people shoplifting and not scanning, but perverts would purchase even more things. it would all even out, so i say, go ahead and implement it. but they won't. have we lost all sense of whimsy in our society?

subscribing to an AI girlfriend service makes you a paypig

every time you leave a pool you drip some of the liquid out. contribute. pee in the pool. don't be selfish.

Frankly my dear, I give a damn. I give so many damns. I have anxiety.

old guys wearing Vietnam Vet hats be like "i peaked with my war crimes"

Sheets in the streets, sheets in the sheets. (I'm a ghost)

next time, Hansel and Gretel should poison the bread, so they can follow the trail of dead birds

sever a bunch of my body parts and throw them in the trash -me at the barber

someone should make something like this except instead of killing you it's just kinda scary and perfectly safe

euthanizing terminally-ill patients at an amusement park haunted house so it can actually be haunted

people who live in major cities and listen to country music should be put on some kind of a watchlist

a device on your thumb that generates power to charge your phone while doomscrolling

y'all're cowards

you should get tax breaks for killing nazis. "sorry kids, we can't afford a PS5. oh wait, that guy's wearing a Skrewdriver T. go grab daddy's remington."

people who wear perfume/cologne are making their own insecurities everyone else's problem

"please take this survey about your experience" buddy i ain't giving you free labor

"two-state solution" people make no sense. half a genocide is still a genocide.

"eat the rich" is insulting because it implies that the rich are at least good for *something*

we should have a giant historical preservation park where we recreate failed, bankrupt businesses. you could go rent a video from Blockbuster, buy a CD from Circuit City, do a line of blow in the executive bathroom with a couple of psychopaths in suits at Lehman Brothers

one cool thing about being an adult in a big city is that you can go to an event where the theme is basically "yo i'm a big slut. can i hang out with you sluts?" this is why we pay the big bucks

everyone's talking about nintendo making the switch to but they won't say to what. they switching back to being a playing card company?

if Bed, Bath, and Beyond had also focused on afterlife supplies like their name suggests maybe they wouldn't have gone bankrupt. like, yes, you already have a duvet. but could your duvet clash with the color scheme of purgatory?

food nicknames for your friends: William = Yam Richard = Chard Nicolas = Cola Abigail = Ale Gabrielle = Brie Abraham = Ham Benjamin = Jam Oliver = Olive Sebastian = (Sea)Bass

self-checkout machines should be completely silent. have a button for "i can't see well", "this is my first time", or "i'm incredibly stupid" and then they're allowed to talk otherwise shut the fuck up

i reaffirm my stance of "hey, fuck the pope" www.attitude.co.uk/news/pope-re...

what got stuck in cavemen's heads before songs were invented? your tribemate's staccato farting?

"gotcha!", i say, standing up, after playing dead for four days. the cats had devoured my left arm and most of my right thigh, but at least they had paid attention to me

if your condom didn't break, keep it and reuse it because you know you found a strong one. better safe than sorry.

to everyone still setting off fireworks after midnight last night, i wish you a happy i hope you blew your face off