After months of pretending Spotify is down so I don’t have to play Un Poco Loco for my toddler, I’m finally getting a taste of my own medicine.

Trump’s Iran deal looks like Obama’s. Trump’s China strategy looks like Obama’s. Starting to think this guy just likes putting his name on stuff…

In space, no one can hear Katy Perry sing.

The Natural History Museum had a great Ace Ventura 2 exhibit.

Caught somewhere between ACAB and hoping a mild-mannered judge sorts out America’s problems

JESSE WATERS, WEARING A POUND OF MAKEUP OVER A REAL HOUSEWIFE AMOUNT OF BOTOX: Real men do NOT sip from straws!

RIP, George Foreman. he is survived by his children: George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, Georgia Foreman, and George Foreman

Does Elon go to jail for all the teslas that caught fire on their own??

We should get another set of teeth. Should go like this: 1. Baby teeth 2. Teeth for stretch where you drink Mountain Dew code red 3. Adult teeth

If I was Superman and had to look different as Clark Kent, I would wear glasses AND Insane Clown Posse face paint.

don’t worry sweetie! mommy, santa, and daddy are poly

Thinking about getting really into cryptids

Clearly this is the work of Waluigi

Babe wake up I'm on bsky now

Artificial intelligence is finally paying off!!!!!

Thinking about getting really into swords

Opinions are like assholes. At a certain age a doctor should check yours out. If they find something weird, you go under the knife to remove it.

The #blackfriday deal of the century is here. The ebook of Scary Stories to Make You Scared of Stories is only $2.99 thru #cybermonday #booksky a.co/d/iC6YhmJ

Barely laughed thinking about the turkey’s “cavity” and I’ve never felt older

I really liked Gladiator 2 but I don’t understand how Glinda, or any of the other witches for that matter, fit into to universe

Every year I get older and more busted but somehow maintain the same level of vanity. Something’s gotta give

Show me a picture on your phone that has your energy that isn’t a selfie.

I would like to thank the copywriter at LL Bean who coined the term BeanFlex®️

Um, so there WERE two wolves inside me, but now there are THREE. Never crossed my mind that wolves might be having sex…