How grandpa looks when grandma hands him the phone and he has to listen to a five year old babble as he tries to keep his eyes on wheel of fortune

The biggest obstacle to immortality research is that every person who wants it wants it for themselves, but all medical advances stem from those who want to help others. It's almost poetic.

Calling boobs "big ol' slappers" pisses of the bourgeoisie.

This shirt, but the condition is "sadomasochism". I'd wear it.

Drank two more. I wanna drive a F-350 right now.

Plugged the drinking into a bac calculator. I'm dizzy as fuck and impulsive. More than I've drank before. IM STill below the fucking driving limit??? what the actual hell is wrong with this country.

Why does alcohol make me dizzy. Is the vestibular system stupid?

Happy 4/20 everyone I am sorry to inform you that this appears to be real

I broke my leg and am bleeding heavily. First thing I do, obviously, is check Yelp reviews for the best rated hospital.

I’m sorry but the rest of your life is going to be spent finding out about some new weird annoying guy, and then finding out he died

We're all one big fappy hamily

On today's episode of Philosopher or Serial Killer: "Terror and atrocious suffering turn the mouth into the organ of rending screams"

🎩 🇮🇩🇮🇩🇮🇩 👁️ 👁️ 🇵🇱🇵🇱🇵🇱

Salesforce showed a survey in the documentation "how likely are you to recommend Salesforce to a business having similar business issues" MF you ARE the business issues.

smash. Next.

You don't end up in this predicament by making good choices. He deserves to be there.

I am actually conceived without the seed of man, just like Jesus. it is just a coincidence that the conception happened on my parent's honeymoon.

I had an idea for a dumb AI thing: input any tweet/skeet/comment, and it decides which deadly sin it most closely represents. This would be sloth, for example.

I’m at Godot Airport. My flight hasn’t shown up but an employee there assures me it will be here soon. #TSA #GodotAirport

"Blueskee"

Guy who wants to say a girl is a work of art, but doesn't know how to pronounce Louvre: I think you should hang yourself in the loo.

Out of context DND: *Party is talking to a horned devil who wants us to kill a dragon and bring back his head.* "What do we get in exchange?" "What if we accidentally destroy the head?" "Have you seen my grandma?"

Favorite voice acting is when someone is yelling, but you can tell they live around people, so the yelling is clearly restrained. IDK why it is funny to me www.youtube.com/shorts/4W-a0...

Like right now, Youtube has a bug where I can't watch anything in a playlist, because the playlist will go to the next video after 10 seconds, even when paused. This shit didn't happen before the AI coding initiatives!

"redact my pages" Slenderstein

I was born one morning on Saturday night

Some people have burnt monkey testicle problems, I have burnt monkey testicle solutions (new snack sensation)

Are you a lapper? Or a slapper?

After a lengthy appeals process and productive discussion with the Blue Sky safety team I will no loinger be sending George Thorogood lyrics to beautiful women on here via DM. Thank you all

Deleted Minecraft's META-INF, just in case it felt safe.

Salesforce Mr. Beast colab.

There's actually several ways I'd have done it. Assert.areEqual(real, given); Assert.isWorking(shouldBe, betterBe); Inquisition.discern(holy, worldly);

I have a confession: "Expected, actual" is not clear to me. For some reason, I flip between thinking "this is what I expect the answer to be and this is what the code gave me" and "this is where I expect the result, and this is the actual value it should be" and both sound right to me.

Valve please release hl3 the fans are going insane

MVP for breast enlargement is making one boob bigger, and saying the other is a deliverable next quarter, then never circling back to it.

Lean six sigma looking for agile beta gf.

God that really does sum up this economy. "Subscribers get a discount on priority delivery" I, a paying subscriber, get a discount on paying more for my delivery.

The thing I hate about B2B development is that nobody thinks internal apps need to be responsive. Just because I'm not a customer that can easily walk away if your webpage takes 12ms longer than I like, does NOT mean it is acceptable to make me think the webpage crashed every time I do something.

Every few months, there will be some influencer or channel, and they'll reveal the guy behind it grooms kids, and we all pretend this was a totally real person with actual fans before the allegations.

I may not know much about the gay agenda, but I do know about the trans mission.

40k idea: tech priest meticulously maintaining a nuclear waste disposal facility, but they don't know it is for storing nuclear waste, which is just dumped into the underhives usually.

Instead of fried fish, drive into a lamppost or something solid to draw attention, and Franklin will eventually show up to defend his home.

The light that eyes cannot see but metal can feel

In XCOM 2, The brain chip in the commander is in the occipital lobe, but the cutscene showing it being extracted is from the face in a POV shot. This is because the aliens spent 50 years probing butts instead of learning neurology, and then taught Tygan wrong.

Holy shit I didn't think that would actually work.

I AM THE STORM THAT IS APPROOOOOAAAAACHINGGGGGG THROUGH FUUUUUUCKINNNNG BLACK CLOUDS IN ISOLATION