Thank God we have Donald Trump around to let us know that *checks notes* the Pope is “weak on crime.”

The President is actively threatening blow up an entire county and its citizens, and meanwhile, people are out here arguing that he didn’t use the dictionary defined version of “civilization” and therefore is actually joking.

If you watch anything from the Pam Bondi hearing, let it be this questioning from Dick Durbin today.

Trump: Can we stop talking about Jeffrey Epstein? Also Trump: *writes page long rant about Jeffrey Epstein and his files*

Chuck Schumer has forced the Senate to read the entire 940+ page Big Beautiful Bill out loud before voting on it. This is the level of petty and invigorating filibustering I want from all Democrats.

For those who are still catching up on the tariff news from today, let a penguin sum it up for you. Trump: Bow down to me! China: lol cry more loser

*looks at melting iceberg next to me* “Hey hot thing, can I waddle on you? Cause I trust you more than the world trusts the US Treasury.”

Trump: If China does not take its tariffs off us, I will impose a 104% tariff in response tonight. China has to make a deal. They love deals. They love me. China loves Trump. Make a DEAL. I love deals, and I love China. Me: Sir, I am a penguin

Penguin leadership approves of this message.

Probably needed a hug, but crashed the global stock markets and taxed a bunch of penguins instead.

*looks at circuit breaker* *waddles away because I’m literally just a penguin*

Our human was on the front lines of the protest in Denver yesterday. He did us proud, as did all humans. #handsoff

Our staff photographers captured this image of Donald Trump being slowly eaten by the starving Dow Jones. #tariffs

Waddle up. Kendrick Lamar, your move.

The Council of Penguins will never use Signal chats to discuss our war plans. You have our guarantee.

The minute Americans have to pay more than $4 for a carton of eggs and discover Penguin and emu eggs are twice the size

SAVE THE PENGUINS. STOP TRUMP’S TARIFFS.

I stand with the penguins of Heard and McDonald Islands!

The Council of Penguins will shortly be in touch with Antarctica. Thank you for bringing this our attention @markhamillofficial.bsky.social

Per The Council of Penguins directive, we are denouncing the 10% tariff put upon our fellow birds in the Heard and McDonald Islands. We protest this action severely, and rest assured Donald Trump will not hear the last of this.