What is happening over there??

PRESS STATEMENT: Simply unacceptable behavior by the UN, stopping this escalator while PM Tuxley II stepped onto it aside his wife, Lady Beakatrice. We will tariff & fire anyone who dares suggest these ramps never move, and we will SUE the lunatics who almost broke Lady B’s angelic features.

While we support the freedom to use TikTok, we don’t feel USA will use data any more responsibly than China. Therefore, we are giving traveling Terns and Skuas complimentary access to ICE-Blok, our new dual feature social media and anti-Gestapo app.

We firmly believe firing comedians is not a sign of a healthy democracy. In some countries, they even elect them to defend against ambitious fascists. — PM Tuxley II

Oh but he already has.

We get it now! USA is playing a kind of “Opposite Day” this week to confuse its opponents. ie: Kirk was a champion of free speech and anyone who badmouths him will be fired. The frivolous lawsuits and weaponization of the fbi still needs to stop, right after we sue NYT and raid Chicago, et al

Sorry we have been off the grid lately, been searching for food. It seems the US is renaming things to the US Supremicist Court and the Department of War? Interesting developments, we will keep an eye on how this impacts us.

On official Government business abroad, and we were pleased to see that @hiltonhonors.bsky.social saves a special place for insects such as this Carolina Mantis

We have carefully considered and have decided that the first coherent group of resistance fighters in America will be able to rent our f/A18 Hornets. Zero interest loan, but please respect our extended warranty terms on missile packages.

Live look at our correspondents trying to digest the overwhelming amount of global news, climate data reports, battlefield (Ukr/Gaza/wash DC?) updates, and social media posts. Discl: No baby terns were harmed in this video. A fish was harmed, irreperably.

We wish protestors would throw sandwiches at us. Our local militia’s motto is a yellow flag with “please bread on me”

Humans post video of “close call”... which is misleading. We were actually trying to banish Gary, but he has an uncanny ability to stick to with us like an octopus sucker

Scientists! @skypeascientist.bsky.social matches scientists with classrooms, libraries, & more for virtual Q&As! It's easy and fun! We are looking for 750 more volunteers by 8/15 If you're down to chat with 1-5 classrooms this semester, sign up here www.skypeascientist.com/sign-up.html

Lobstertarianism is actually a strong political system, I think the watchdog group needs to take a look at the Krill political structure for actual, comparable incompetence

Time for some good news! The human world can work together to solve environmental challenges, just like the Montreal Protocol & elimination of CFCs started in the 1980s. By 2035, the ozone “hole” may be completely closed all year long! This Government thanks you all! news.mit.edu/2025/study-h...

@justineshaw.bsky.social featured in a Guardian post of glacial retreat on our island.

First they came for the statisticians, and you said nothing. Then they came for the statistics, and you were silent. They came for the digits, the keyboards, the pencils, and still nobody spoke out. Then they came for you, but nobody cared, because surely…the numbers don’t lie.

While we support strong action against RU, we can’t help but recall MAGA hyperventilating over the US providing Ukraine with missiles which could start “WWIII”. So somehow, sanctions and support to allies is dangerous escalation, but announcing nuclear positioning is okay? -Sincerely, confused

Like all wise Bruce’ before him (Lee, Willis, Springsteen, Robert the Bruce), he poses a valid question. Honestly, we don’t know. And neither do they. Since we have 0 actual imports or exports it’s also very tricky to gauge. Our commerce secretary, Howard gooseneck, will track it. Stay tuned.

Breaking..(the White House’s Reputation that is)..after being told off by our intrepid PM and Government of flightless, biracial nudists. The tariffs threats on Heard Island have apparently vanished even faster than Pam Bondi’s desktop folders. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDING ATTENTION, TACO MASTER

JUST IN: Heard Island Government responds before the midnight Tariff deadline with what can only be described as ice cold diplomacy. @cnn.com @msnbc.com @foxnews.com.web.brid.gy @nbcnews.com @theguardian.com @australia.theguardian.com @bbcbreaking-bot.bsky.social @us.theguardian.com @theonion.com

The Americans need to report their IQ like they report their weather. It says 67 but feels like 5.

In talks with White House on Tariffs. We’re offering to allow cell phone imports for the first time ever, BUT we will require, like the U2 album burned onto all old Apple phones, that the Epstein list come installed with every phone.

If you’re now just seeing Trump cheating at golf, you should know that his claims about shooting an Albatross are also unfounded. He couldn’t hit us if he tried -Albatrossia Ocasio-Cliffs

Uber is really raising the bar here

One reason that authoritarian governments exert energy in selecting the media that can operate, is due to the inability of its most loyal fanbase in sorting fact from fiction. Educated constituents not only discern more easily, but understand that “truth” needs varied regard, not restriction

Geography time! Our active stratovolcano “Big Ben” is nearly 25km in diameter. To compare, that’s equivalent in size to 211 congressionally sized humans, 3 Chris Christie’s, 20 Kremlin comrades, 6 political perverts, and an entire chest freezer of ICE agents!

We just learned about “the cloud” and how it could possibly store things like those $5000 DOGE checks and the Epstein client list. Worth everybody looking up and noting what they can see!

We have set up an office for Miss Bondi. Unfortunately we do not have technology for AC/heat pumps though it is situated inside our active volcano so it does stay quite warm.

Response sent to the White House. Summary: The planet doesn’t need an emperor dictating trade. Mainland Antarctica already has millions of Emperors, and even their droppings do more good than the White House’s globally destabilizing policies. In other words, go take a long hike on thin ice.

We are working on our tariff letter response, but we have to harvest more squid ink to complete a flipper-written letter. Please be patient as we hunt.

We are in receipt of the WH letter. We can confirm it is legitimate, after comparing the signature to one on a “client list” we have from an island party application in 1998.

This is unequivocally false. We have sent multiple skeets and bluejaculations to the White House’s official BSKY accounts.

Heard Island: 3 F-18 King George Island: +1 Cessna Our collective strength grows.

AMENDED: We are REPEALING our ban on the Trump fragrance, as it’s reported that it’s the PERFECT FUEL for the Elon Musk Boring Co Flamethrower that our Defense Forces purchased back when we thought he was cool. As always, Thank you for your attention to this disaster!

BREAKING: We’re announcing an immediate use & import BAN on the “three B’s”: Trump Bible, Trump Bitcoin, and Trump Fragrance (Because we suspect it’s actually BULLS%#T spray). This is coming from an island that usually smells like very pungent fish.

Mr. Bessent, please send your commerce proposal letter with a crateful of spare F-18 parts. No need to get into the nitty gritty. -Respectfully, General Slayfin

Surveying our greater island area to look for area to store our tariffed merchandise. McDonald Island is not safe due to curious and oblivious American eaters, and Shag island is likely off the table due to a preponderance of Australian couples looking to “live up to its name”.

@kajakallas.bsky.social would have never called POTUS “daddy”. Something about years of being gaslit and treated as inferiors prepare women to deal with that man much better than what we see with multiple male leaders.

Waking up excited hearing that Antarctica is mentioned in international news. Reading the news: “Antarctica and sub Antarctic islands are the safest place for humans to flee to during WW3”.

We feel that this is an apt time to share this. We’re actually quite impressed that 3/4 of the B2 pilots successfully used google map directions.

Heard Island will mediate an immediate end to the war between Iran and Israel (+~USA?). We will peace in 24 hours. Now that most sides have bombed each other, the time for peace has come. Much like Monty Python’s holy hand grenade, peace must come at the exact right moment.-Foreign Min. Kaja Krillus

Happy World Albatross day! #worldalbatrossday

If not for us and multiple keystone species, do something for your beloved gin!

This is true. Being called a super weaner is a great honor in the seal community. Much less so in the albatross community.

We deny any involvement in any targeted allergy operations. It is sometimes the case that someone naturally reacts to their own vile nature in the form of an allergic reaction.

We know a thing or two about trolling, and we are positive Pres Macron is trolling Mr. Trump by suggesting Israel will listen to any ceasefire suggestion from him. We expect Trump to call Vlad for help, and for this to get worse. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS DISASTER. -PM Tuxley II

Self explanatory

That week felt like a month!! On behalf of Heard Island, Happy Father’s Day to those brave souls sitting on eggs, sharing krill, or telling lousy jokes! Photo: Peter Brannon

Totally digging this energy today!!