Best label the box eh?

Fairly sure I wouldn't be like this if I'd had my bollocks chopped off this afternoon.

who likes comedy?

Realised today that it's a council tax free month

Just won a parking ticket appeal

Can my mate come to the afters? He's sound. The mate:

Got a brand new tablecloth yesterday

What's wrong babe? You've barely touched your Chubby Brown Tribute/Gary Gobstopper double header one man show tickets?

Trump reading The Epstein Files

Why does media report someone as "Britain's worst serial killer" or whatever? Surely they were the best? If anything I should have a claim to that title being shit at serial killing as in I've never killed anyone, serial or otherwise.

Me, just before I do something stupid

Just got annoyed because some bloke gave me 50p, two 20ps and a 10p instead of the regulation pound coin for my supermarket trolley at the return bay. AITA?

No thanks I'm not hungry

"Brian you'll need to go for your jog early tomorrow because we need to leave at 7.50am" "ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN? WHO KNOWS WHAT HORRORS I MAY ENCOUNTER?!"

Me thinking of something nice to say to a bereaved family member at a funeral: "..............unlucky"

"can my mate come? She's sound" The mate:

January sales are getting out of hand

Oh god. They're threatening to use a "laser".

I think in this day and age they shouldn't have separate competitions based on your sexuality.

I've been invited to a meeting about a toilet.

Going to add "stand up if you love football" to my repertoire of matchday chants.

You could call the darts player Luke Littler "Luke Hittler" on account of his hair bearing a passing resemblance to that of Adolf Hitler, the German leader who is widely regarded as the reason for world war 2 kicking off, couldn't you?

not the kind of behavior I expect from the winner of the fifa peace prize

Homer Vs Frank Grimes on E4. What a start to 2026!

"I'd better go out and buy a box of mince pies, as you do, in remembrance"

Boxing Day

Santa has come early!!

Alan Price was taller than Katie Price. But heavier than Vincent Price. As I discovered on this Price comparison website

Look at my new picture of a serious car accident

A very terrifying jumpscare

Sorry lads, no more satanism in the office toilets

Me, when I walk into the office

That's right, show him your hoop

"Get some mates" they said. So I did.

Had a great game of bogies tonight out in Manchester. I'm 47.

Am on a tram home after what has been, I must say, a cracking day. I bid you good night.

Was held up on my journey by ducks today 🥰

Anyone called him Tim Pestwood yet?

Me and a lad at work both had salmon for lunch today which has now earned us the nickname "The Salmon Brothers"

My head just before I walk into work

Thank you for the update, child's school.

When I walk past Barbara in the corridor at work.

Imagine someone normal needs to buy white and red paint, that awful conversation at the till about not being a racist.

New ITV detective drama just dropped

But monstrously bald

Nearly watched Saltburn tonight.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Flying ants come out of all your crevices.