I think it would be cool if they could make a doctor that helps to make you fell better, instead of just keeping you alive enough to perform labour until youre 65

She's so cuuuute 💜

Crazy how hurtful a mostly silent 5 minute conversation with my sister was.

I'm so stressed about my sisters graduation next week 😭 I don't want to fly and be on a m!l!tary base and be in the same building as fucking JD V@nce and all kinds of horrible m!l!tary people

1 year ago today I almost died. I didn't. Now I'm starting a new exciting job in a couple weeks, my long time best friend is now my partner, I'm getting more confident in my expression, and I have a hobby I love to bits in aerial. Truly insane how much can change in a year.

Did they snipe Bambi again :(

So dysphoric today :( aerial instructor had the body I always see as my end goal. Strong but skinny in the parts that matter. Meanwhile I look like I'm 5 months pregnant specifically in my stomach. Nowhere else. It's just all in my stomach because fuck me!

Gods I hate men

I want to smoke :(

Ashes extrovert arc!!!

Fuck shaving my body I’m really sexy even if I have a bush and hair on my legs pits and big toes fuck u pedo beauty standards

*sniffs you* hmm

I am not very good at pole dancing 😭 I am so so so SLIPPY

Opposite action kind of day. Sad and want to rot -> sign up for a pole class

Isn't it strange some of the things you remember I remembered today was the date of my first attempt last year I remembered which cuts I did out of all the scars on my arms I remembered the day last week that my ex SA'd me Trauma remembers everything. I wish it didn't.

I wish my voice and face weren't clocky and masculine and that maybe I could go to a restaurant and be referred to as even neutral not masculine. It doesn't matter what I do. I can go in a fancy dress and heels and with my hair all curly and nice and people will still call me a man bc I'm gross

She's got the maternal hormones going on or something 😭 I keep getting emotional seeing anything involving a mom this is so embarrassing

One year ago today I was mid attempt and was stopped by my therapist just happening to call at the right time. Processing is hard. It's still hard to think about this time last year. I have no idea how I'm going to feel next week on the anniversary of when I actually tried to go through with it.

Finances are looking better already 😅 FINGERS CROSSED all I need is the job I have lined up for start of June doesn't go 'teehee lol nvm'

Past ashes who didn't want to relapse sure made it hard for current ashes who wants to relapse >:( ik this is a good thing but bleh

Lobotomization isn't enough I need someone to put my brain in the blender

Update: piercing is infected and has to come out ☹️

Whenever I go to the doctor I see my weight somehow despite not wanting to and I'm apparently 160 ☹️ 160 lbs. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I don't wanna eat I don't wanna be this big why am I so big this is one of the reasons I don't like going to the dr it always triggers me

why tf

It's so dumb to be triggered bc I have an infection and it's making me think of the infected sh I had last year and yet ☹️

Oh she HELLA infected and gross YIKES guess I'm going to UC tomorrow

Me: life is going pretty good all things considered. Yeah there are slips but I think everything is finally going okay The year old helix piercing about to get infected for some reason:

There was a food truck festival downtown today and it was so fun :) I got a cotton candy milkshake and Thai chicken skewers and had half a veggie egg roll. V v v good. Hanging out w my partner is so fun 😁

Me: I'm doing so good. I'm basically recovered!!! Brain: ok but what if we locked in for a little resing :)

No wonder I feel so weird today. Ex bf SA'd me one year ago today. That was was what solidified deciding to attempt. Weird day. Brain is funky. Not like overly bad but def not normal.

Screams

We apologize for the interruption, the insecure episode has concluded and has been controlled. We will return to our regular ashes programming

Think my partner is judging me for not still being at my old job. I was told my start date would be 5/18. That's what I signed. So I gave two weeks notice when I knew on 5/06. Bc I was still in training, they didn't want me to work out my 2 weeks. Okay fine. Whatevs. Then bc my sister is graduating

Idk why I see my partner cleaning as a threat or insult. Stupid brain.

Hormonal day ☹️

IT WAS FUN! MY THIGHS HURT BUT IT WAS FUNNN

Never mind I am no longer stressed about this job because I GOT ANOTHER ONE IM GONNA BE AN ENGINEER IM GONNA USE MY DEGREE YALL THIS ROLE IS LITERALLY JUST PROCESS IMPROVEMENT PROJECTS WE ARE SO UP WE ARE SO BACK

Work stressing me out so much that I'm taking a beginner pole dance class tn with one of my aerial friends

Ok I think the owner at my job has a problem with me personally. I don't know why. I don't know what I did. But he's always pissy to me or about me. He got pissy with me because I was CLEANING the shop that hasn't been cleaned in years since the machine is down. He's pissy when I'm running it bc it

Official new friend :D

Gods I am so glad I got peer pressured into taking an extra aerial class today. Flippies are gonna fix me

Bla bla bla bla bla shut the fuck up ashes don't bitch until you actually do something about it

Why do I even try man I keep trying to make things better and they never are and then I try harder when it seems like it's a bad start but then it doesn't ever get better. Gods forbid I have wants. No. Shut up, suffer, k!ll yourself ashes - the world

x2

I don't think this job is working out. I just keep fucking up and fucking up and fucking up and I can't fucking do it I feel like I can't do anything right

What I want: sushi and a cigarette What I'm going to have: leftovers probably and no cigarette

NEW FRIEND ALERT NEW FRIEND ALERT THE GIRL I TALK TO THE MOST AT HAMMOCK AND I ARE DOING AN EXTRA CLASS TOGETHER AND THEN GOING TO DINNER YAYYYYY

My partner's bigot father is coming around today and fae feel like fae can't tell him to fuck off and I swear if he hurts faem im going to learn how to hex a bitch

May the christians' god of war and hatred rot and never ascend. There is forgiveness for all in the universe, but not in my soul. He has clearly shown he is incapable of advising others and has guided them down the path of violence and corruption. Corrupted being, may he rot w his cultists forever

<- Girlie who is productive Laundry (in progress) Bagels (in progress) Grocery store ✅ Getting quarters ✅ Cleaning windows (soon!) Sweep and mop (soon!)