Thank you to Cole, Jen, Brandon and all The Masters Review readers for giving “Bristol” another life. mastersreview.com/the-2025-rep...

45. Two weeks ago. In front of child’s piano instructor. 🙋‍♂️

Thanks for the support, carpet cleaning van

Gig ‘em and good night!

Hey! We’re thiiiiiiiis close to opening up our submission window. That gives you just enough time to print your 5 best poems, shove ‘em in an envelope, and mail them to us! Hit the link for deets! (Yes we know we’re old school; we make a gorgeous journal though!) www.uab.edu/cas/englishp...

Dallas teams need to think of better ways to make the news.

This weighted vest/rucking fad is out of control. It’s moms, it’s dads. You’d think there was an ordinance. I’m going to put a stop to it.

A park where you’re *not* allowed to fly drones would be lovely. 🦟

Why doesn’t Nike supply Scheffler with some moister wicking shirts?

Also, I liked not having to think about what to wear each day. Navy suit, white shirt, boots every day for 12 years.

More on this tomorrow, but thanks to @bluevilla.org for publishing my story about a place where mercy is in the eye of the holder of the hammer.

published a lil bit of my forthcoming novel with @houseofvladpress.bsky.social recently you can read it here if you want to - i'm in good company for the summer bummer issue! xo houseofvladpress.com/summer-bummer

“What are the names of children at my daughter’s elementary school?”

?

Dork.

And goddam flash floods and goddam Uvalde and goddam helplessness. Why are you crying, Daddy? Don’t worry about it, just remember the fucking Alamo.

The $teak! Everyone’s pretending about the $teak! It tastes okay, but never better than a mediocre carne asada at 1/4th the price. But we’re a bad Texan if we admit it’s overrated, as are cowboy hats and the State Fair and Southwest Airlines. WELL I HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT!

Wife: What's your @mcsweeneys.net piece about? Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want. Wife: ... Wait, what?

Lawyers and Law Profs and Bears, oh my…wife is co-presenting on “The Fallacy of Work/Life Balance: How to Thrive, Not Just Survive.” There probably won’t be enough mentions of my badass husband-ness, but there will be CLE credit. t.e2ma.net/click/6kl2mg...

Yay!

My body is 70% carbonated water.

“Are you familiar with the parable of the organ grinder’s monkey?” m.youtube.com/watch?v=ABY3...

So many emails from my kids’ schools.

“It never pays to overestimate yourself.” —Katherine Heiny, Standard Deviation.

25 pounds!

I'm taking over the Harper Collins Instagram account today! Check out the latest there, including an AMA I'm doing all day www.instagram.com/harpercollins/

I ran into this issue with “Bristol Palin Is a Realtor,” which was originally titled “The Idiot.” I didn’t want to be compared to Dostoevsky, who, in my opinion, can’t pull off a good testicles joke.

3rd Grade-ass lookin’ signature.

I’m not yet overwhelmed, but this shit is certainly whelming. www.newyorker.com/news/the-led...

Fixed it for graduation week. Noticed they got the Calatrava waving too. #SMU

Darn it.

A wonderful story! Well done, @brechtdp.bsky.social and @hudsonreview.bsky.social !

I propose that any panelist who reads a brief excerpt from their work be mildly electroshocked.

From The Testaments: “All that was necessary was a law degree and a uterus: a lethal combination.”

Fuck.

I was just told that my launch event in Glasgow was going to be cancelled because I don't have *enough* tickets sold. Humiliating—not least because I worked my butt off for this book & went to other people's launches. If I could sell a few more today, maybe I could change their minds. Please.

And Alito will file a concurring opinion because the teacher wasn’t also deported.

U.S. Girls, Lincoln Hall, Chicago, June 29th, see you there.

lol “from anti-extremist research”

What are they doing to these kids in there?

For this, I’ll camp out in line.

He is mutated indeed!

True, but I happen to like Oscar a la Shit. www.instagram.com/reel/DIkIWl6...

Sometimes I wonder if, given the prevalence of interfaith, interracial, and second marriages, somewhere out there exists a pair of stepbrothers named Jesus and Muhammad. Maybe in Houston?

Taxidermy is dead.

[dude taking a stand in a town hall meme] “Schools shouldn’t have an early dismissal before a four day weekend.”

I saw Goody Bondi with the Devil!