If there is one thing certain on God's earth it is that Mike Read does not have a nice bum. #totp

It's the Old Men In Polonecks string section! #totp

This is a bloody superb edition, innit? #totp

Who's that on sax with The Beat? It's not Saxa. #totp

If we take Andrew out of the line of succession, can we replace him with Richard Stilgoe, please? #BBCRadio4

"Why are you being so horrible?" "Because I'm Josh."

I'm sure I'm not the only one to be imagining a sub-Godot two-hander involving a former prince and a former ambassador as cellmates? #AndyAndMandy

I've booked the big tables. Who's coming?

Getting shown up in the arena of elite impunity by *the British monarchy* is an incredible “America at 250!” achievement

“I remember the first time I saw Andy…”

Can I be on the jury, please?

Boom. Wordle 1,706 2/6 🟨🟨⬜⬜⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

I am watching this. It is compulsively atrocious.

Oh ffs...

If you find yourself taking the BBC for granted, watch #LordOfTheFlies and #SmallProphets. That is all.

Judaean People's Front, anyone?

"The general public are stupid. Obviously not as stupid as you, Ruairi, but still pretty stupid." #TheArchers

The wonderful thing about Tyggers Is Tyggers are burning bright Their tops are made out of rubber In the forest of the night What bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, Immortal hand or eye Did frame the most wonderful thing about Tyggers, Their fearful symmetry!

Just caught a bit of the Freddie Mercury tribute concert from 1992 and delighted to note that all the mummified raaawwk bores on display were several years younger than I am now.

#TheArchers podcast is really just a Radio 4 take on Gogglebox, isn't it?

Is anybody else surprised that an abject clown like Ruaridh was even capable of whacking George without falling flat on his arse? #TheArchers

Every once in a while I start to feel a glimmer of sympathy for George and then he talks about "the feds" as if he's a South London gangsta and I go back to loathing him. #TheArchers

Just chanced on an article I wrote 19 years ago in which I appear to have predicted K-Pop.

I deplore the current habit of cameras going in so close to the players during national anthems that you can hear how dreadful their singing is.

Everyone who watched the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show killed Meryl Streep's baby on the oh, you finish it off.

Perjury trial a few years down the road? #TheArchers

Spot the fake obscure South Yorkshire post-punk band (not Pulp):

Whereas Princess Anne "doesn't give a toss".

Post your favourite "Lord of the Rings" character. Wrong answers only.

Piggy is perfect. So that's a good start. #LordOfTheFlies

It's official. Uphill skiing (while armed) is even funnier than race walking.

Bloody hell, if Scotland does vote for independence we won't even be good at curling any more.

Just heard Marco Rubio say that Cuba is run by senile, incompetent men and I'm not sure whether or not that was a criticism.

"There's stools under the island." Whatever #TheArchers gets wrong, its grasp of the differentiations in the English class system is always perfect.

Pretty half-hearted "Oooh nooo" from Roooth there. Losing her touch. #TheArchers

"Ludvig"???

There's so much coverage of Trump's lies, his greed, his ignorance, his general obnoxiousness, that we often forget what a pitiful, spineless coward he is as well.

I am listening to Sibelius while cleaning the fridge. Or vice versa.

BSky is suddenly inhabited by mysterious women who really want to be my friend.

These Canadian curlers are soooo Canadian, eh. I can smell the poutine on them. #WinterOlympics

Gordon Brown was a mediocre (and unlucky) PM but he remains a good man. The British Jimmy Carter?

Starmer probably ought to resign but when I think of the (mostly) men who need for the sake of all that is holy to resign today, if not earlier, he's several pages down the list.

It's not yet 8.30 am and this tram already reeks of weed.

Dream. In hospital for a minor operation, the precise nature of which nobody seemed to know. But before that I needed to present an episode of Blue Peter.

Bands are just not hot like this any more.

When we visited Stockholm a while back, each lift in the hotel played a different Abba song, and I insisted on waiting for the one that played The Day Before You Came. That's how much I love this song. And I think Pulp just made the definitive version.

With this (slightly pooey) ring I thee wed. #TheArchers

Bloody hell. #TheNightManager

"I can be a pedophile all on my own" is not the flex he thinks it is.

Akram's fiddling with Susan's big jugs! 😱 #TheArchers