Having a break from #vss365 as my husband’s in hospital.

#vss365 Lis & Jay cracked up when they saw Fred’s #escutcheon on his web page. ‘I like the crossed leeks,’ chortled Jay. ‘But not as much as the wizard’s hat,’ Lis said, laughing.

The queen squints. “Where’s your bow?” “A common misunderstanding,” he nods. “Yes, I’m an Archer. But in the sense that I’m an arch-mage.” “A powerful mage?” “A specialist in arch-magic.” “And you can save my son?” “That depends, is he anywhere near an arch?” #vss #sff

#vss365 ‘Was it a good idea to call your #reinvigorating potion the Fountain of Youth?’ Lis asked. Fred shrugged. ‘I thought so.’ ‘This is Mrs Lewis, your local Trading Standards Officer.’ A tall woman with steel-rimmed glasses glared at Fred. ‘She wants to have a word with you.’

#vss365 ‘Do you really think we’re that stupid that we wouldn’t realise you’ve been concealing the dodgy spells in plain brown paper #wrappers?’ Lia asked. Fred said nothing. ‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ said Jay.

#vss365 Any #doorway can be bespelled into a portal,’ said Fred. ‘That’s why you need my alarm amulet. It’ll alert you to any potential portals as you approach. Let’s try it out.’ ‘And you haven’t just bespelled the nearest doorway?’ Jay asked sceptically. ‘Would I?’ ‘Yes!’

#vss365 As the herd of flying pigs swept over, and pooped on the angry trolls, blinding them, Lis, Jay & Fred fled. 'See! I told you my #chance in a million spell would come in handy,' Fred shouted as they ran.

#vss365 ‘The vampire known as Fagin#eluded us for a long time,’ Lis told CI Harris, ‘but due to Fred’s amazing tracking spell, we captured him.’ After fighting off a dozen child vampire thieves, she thought. Not going to mention that. Too much paperwork.

#vss365 ‘Do you ever have a #yearning to be a better person, Fred?’ Lis asked. ‘Using your magic to help people rather than exploit them?’ ‘I do help them!.’ ‘By taking their money so they don’t fritter it away,’ said Jay.

#vss365 A #pungent aroma hit their noses as Lis & Jay walked into Fred’s kitchen. ‘What is that stink?’ Jay asked. ‘A secret ingredient in my love potion,’ said Fred, stirring a cauldron. ‘I don’t think you’re going to sell many if the potion smells like that,’ Lis said.

#vss365 Lis & Jay frowned at the note the murdered man had scrawled as his last act. ‘Find the #bass,’ Jay read out. ‘Bass what?’ ‘Who knows?’ Lis said. ‘Bass fish, bass guitar, bass singer… Only he knows what he meant.’

#vss365 ‘Be very afraid,’ the vampire hissed malignantly @ Lis & Jay. ‘I will escape.’ ‘Doubtful,’ Lis said. ‘Your temperature-controlled & sealed coffin will be placed outside. You won’t know if it’s day or night. And if it’s day…’

#bss365 Lis, Jay & Fred stared aghast at the #malformed creature crawling out of the tunnel. ‘Where is my Precious?’ it croaked. ‘For God’s sake, Fred, you’ve brought Gollum to life. Get rid of him,’ Lis hissed.

#vss365 ‘How #mundane the world would be without magic,’ Fred declared. ‘Wizards are so important.’ Lis & Jay eyed him. ‘Are you trying to get your magical consultancy fee increased again, Fred?’

#vss365 ‘7 large jars of #pixie dust! Fred, have you been killing pixies?’ Lis demanded, horrified. ‘No pixies were harmed in the making of this dust,’ said Fred. ‘They sell it to me for honey.’ ‘Prove it,’ said Jay, ‘& quick.’

#vss365 #grumpy the dwarf was fed up with his nickname. He hired an image consultancy but hated the focus group’s suggestions: Crabby, Grouchy, Cranky, Testy. ‘I’m sorry, sir, but that’s the sort of names your face inspires.’

#vss365 ‘I’m going to call it “Flying Without #Wings”. What do you think?’ asked Fred as they circled Trafalgar Square, pigeons flying alongside them. Jay gasped, ‘Put me down before I charge you with assaulting a police officer!

#vss365 I have #mystical powers,’ Fred was saying to a man in the pub as Lis & Jay approached the table. The man scarpered & Fred scowled at them. Lis said, ‘If you mean lying, cheating & scamming, then yes.’

#vss365 ‘Did you think we wouldn’t investigate numerous #rainbows appearing over London?’ Lis asked. ‘Natural phenomena?’ Fred said. Jay scoffed. ‘More like people paying you for maps to the non existent pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.’

#vss365 The Pendowers insulted the #brownie in their mansion by offering her fine new clothes. Before she left forever, she had the last #laugh. She filled the house with #spiders so it was festooned with spiders’ webs everywhere.

#vss365 Lis had always known that Fred had plenty of #sass but even she was surprised when he said, ‘I should be Head of the Supernatural Crimes Squad.’ ‘Because?’ ‘I’m a wizard.’ ‘You’re also a criminal,’ she pointed out.

#vss365 ‘It was just a bit of #mischief,’ Fred pleaded as Jay put him in a headlock. Jay #scowled. ‘Turning my chair into a giant thistles as I sit down, isn’t mischief, it’s suicide.’

#vss365 Lis looked at the glittering, crystalline, blue birds hopping around the square & sighed. ‘Why Fred?’ ‘I was drunk & thought some #sapphire #sparrows would give the place some colour.’ ‘The flocks of parakeets roaming London already do that.’

#vss365 ‘She said she wanted us to be #together forever.’ Fred beamed. ‘But she’s an immortal elf so, how?’ ‘Do you have an immortality elixir?’ Lis asked. ‘No,’ said Fred, his smile fading. Lis & Jay both had the same vision. Fred’s skeleton in a glass coffin & shuddered.

#vss365 The #crimson Cape was a famous superhero. Until his cape was badly torn in a battle & he refused to fight villains anymore. It had been his ‘lucky’ cape & couldn’t be replaced.

#vss365 ‘I #promise I’ll behave myself on holiday in Crete,’ Fred said to Lis. ‘No causing trouble with the minotaur?’ ‘Course not.’ ‘And you believed him?’ said Jay. ‘Course not. I flagged him as a “Person of Interest” on the International Supernatural Suspects database.’

#vss365 The #wisteria by the front door made the country cottage for sale look so pretty. ‘Let’s have a quick look @ the outside,’ James said, stopping the car. Walking up the path, they saw the door was ajar & they couldn’t resist popping inside. They were never seen again.

#vss365 ‘Was it you, Fred?’ asked Jay. ‘What?’ ‘That new paint range. #mellow yellow is fine but brown study makes people suicidal,’ Lis said. ‘No!’ ‘You’ll have to visit every home & despell it.’ ‘That’ll take ages!’ ‘So?’ asked Jay.

#vss365 Among the shiny bottles on the shelf, stood a small one caked in dust. The witch sighed. ‘Not much call for bottled innocence. Been there thirty years.’ The man leaned forward. ‘I want it.’ ‘Why?’ ‘I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.’ He smiled.

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#innocence Among the shiny bottles on the shelf, stood a small one caked in dust. The witch sighed. ‘Not much call for bottled #innocence. Been there thirty years.’ The man leaned forward. ‘I want it.’ ‘Why?’ ‘I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.’

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#vss365 ‘We ignore some of your spells,’ Lis said to Fred, ‘but not when you produce custom spells for #deviants.’ ‘Aren’t you being a little judgemental?’ ‘Re-animating newly dead corpses for someone’s sexual pleasure? No,’ said Jay.

#vss365 ‘I’m calling it Skirmish of the #Savants,’ said Fred. ‘People will pay to see wizards’ duels.’ ‘They might,’ Lis said, ‘but you’re forgetting one thing.’ ‘What?’ ‘Duelling’s illegal in England.’

#vss365 ‘I feel ridiculous in evening wear,’ Jay told Lis outside the ball for supernaturals. ‘At least you’re not wearing heels,’ she snapped. Fred arrived, wearing a sparkling red #cumberband. ‘And, now I don’t feel so stupid,’ said Jay.

#vss365 An elderly woman said to Lis, ‘I’m Miss #prism. What am I doing here?’ ‘Fred?’ ‘It’s a new spell to bring peoples’s favourite characters from books to life.’ ‘You haven’t brought all the characters in The Importance of Being Earnest to life, have you?’ ‘Might have.’

#vss365 ‘When they write the story of life,’said Fred, striking a pose, ‘they’ll say my #hamartia was I was too kind’ Lis & Jay looked at each other & mouthed, ‘vanity’.

#vss365 ‘What is Fred’s Achilles #heel?’ Lis asked Jay. ‘His greed or his vanity.’ ‘Pick one.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Because he needs to think it’s his own idea that he’s going to help take down the vampire mafia.’

#vss365 ‘I look back with #nostalgia to the time before the Great Unveiling, DCI Thomas said. ‘When there were only human criminals to chase.’ Lis had only been in the police force since the supernatural world was revealed. She couldn’t share his sentiment.

#vss365 A #moment of peace in time & #space. Lis relaxed on her sun lounger, gazing at the waves & the yellow sand. She'd switched off her mobile & was wearing her anti spell amulet. The Supernatural Crimes Squad would not be contacting her on her holiday.

#vss365 She’s an up & coming artist who does wonderful, bold #starscapes’ gushed the gallery owner. ‘Everybody wants one.’ Lis & Jay slipped on their enchanted googles & laughed @ the blotches disfiguring the canvases. ‘I’m almost tempted not to say anything,' Lis said.

#vss365 Have you read my manuscript, The #Enigma of the #Liminal Places yet?’ Fred asked Lis. ‘You mean The Guide to How to Get Into Faeryland? You can’t publish it, Fred.’ ‘Yes, I can.’ ‘No, you can’t. Your pc somehow got a virus & the hard disk is kaput,’ Jay told him.

#vss365 ‘What are they, Fred?’ Lis pointed to 2 small green lizards with tiny wings in an aquarium. ‘They’re #progenitors of teacup dragons. I’ll make a fortune.’ A flame spurted from a lizard’s mouth, the glass broke & the pair flew around the room as Fred tried to catch them.

#vss365 As Lis, Jay & Fred were swept towards the #vortex, Lis shouted, ‘Throw away the statuette!’ Jay wrenched it out of Fred’s hands & hurled it away!’ The vortex disappeared. ‘Didn’t you realise it was the Lord of Storms?’ ‘But it was gold!’

#vss365 'Fred! You're offering guided tours of the faery #realm?' 'So?' 'A, the Faery Queen won't like it,' Lis said. 'B, you're banned from there.' said Jay. 'C, who'd trust you as a guide?' 'I've 5 people signed up.' 'You're not free for the next month.' 'Says who?' 'Us.'

#vss365 ‘Come on Jay & Fred!’ Lis called from the tunnel. ‘Hang on, we just want to do a #selfie with the demon’s head,’ they called back. ‘Seriously? His friends are breaking the door down.’ ‘It’ll only take a minute.’

#vss365 Jay’s jacket sleeve was #slashed. Lis stared at it in horror. ‘Did the werewolf hurt you?’ Jay ripped his jacket off. His shirt sleeve didn’t have any gashes. Liz blew out a sigh of relief. The Chief Commissioner wouldn’t have been happy with a werewolf in the Supernatural Crimes Squad.

#vss365 Lis & Jay heard the #scrape of the werewolf's claws as it crept towards them in the darkness. 'Now!' Jay switched on the torch & the powerful beam blinded it as Lis threw a thick silver chain over its head. It howled & writhed on the floor. 'Got you!'

#vss365 'Fred! Are you the person selling selkie #skins on the Dark Web?' Liz angrily demanded. Fred squirmed. 'Not the seller, just the provider. And they're fake selkie #skins. Won't work.' Lis was almost too angry to speak. 'So, you're not even an honest criminal.'

#vss365 ‘Let me show you my new spell,’ Fred said to Jay. He muttered a few words & Jay shrank to 6 inches. ‘Shall I call it my #small spell or the borrowers spell or the Lilliput spell,’ Fred mused while Jay squeaked, ‘Make me big again!’