Me: yeah fuck that crusty rotten ass sting ray straight to hell Bf: uhhh what? Me: oh take a seat, get comfortable *Proceeds to go on a 45 minute rant with videos of the crocodile hunter series and everything about the glory of the Irwin family*

Wait I'm sorry orcas are dolphins not whales?!? My life is a lie

*No Diggity comes on* Bf: this is the Backstreet Boys? Me: baby that says Blackstreet, these are not the same at all 😂

Omg the brand name for Flexeril here is Yurelax 🤣 I'm dyingg that's such a better name

Spanish boyfriend: he was being such a ... You know the turkeys with the color in the butt..? A peacock! 😂😂😂

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

I'm sorry but the Spanish need to learn how to make a good sandwich goddamn. Like you can't just slap some dry ass meat and cheese in a baguette and call it done. Where's the tomato??? The condiments??? The moisture? The seasoning? The flavor? This is an insult to my mouth

"the delivery guy is on the way with a package and should be there soon" Oh perfect timing, I was just practicing makeup for the costume party. Excuse me while I panic scrub my face clean praying the doorbell doesn't ring 💀

My friend: can I save my son's extra amoxicillin to use it in the future? It says it expires in 2027 Pharmacy brain: NO DO NOT DO THAT FOR SO MANY REASONS PLEASE 💀

I'm dying at 'easy peacy lemon squishy' 😂 In his defense, English is his third language. Also half of the words in the actual phrase are made up 🤣

He died doing what he loved: not having a heart 💔

Dick Cheney departs the world he made: defector.com/dick-cheney-...

Every Spanish learning video on Instagram: don't say "bien" when someone asks cómo estás. Here's 6 ways to sound more native Every native Spanish speaking member of his family when someone asks cómo estás: biennn

Makeup of the day inspired by the stolen louvre emeralds

We agreed to go to the gym at 9. That does not mean get ready and go to the gym at 8:40. I need those 20 extra minutes to prepare my brain for going. 😩

Looks of the day because I'm putting off doing the dishes 😂

Look of the day is giving pumpkin 🎃

Over the last two and a half plus years I have gradually converted this Spaniard into a spicy food boy 🔥 mission accomplished

Omg we're at a patatas bravas festival where different restaurants are competing for best bravas and one of them put this out 😂

My Valencian boyfriend is having a fit because the northerners put peas and chorizo in what they're calling paella. "That's not paella, it's rice with things😤" 😂

Bf: I don't feel good with these eructos Me: with what? Bf: eructos. You know, like farts but with the mouth, I don't know how you call it in English 😂😂😂

Apparently Die Hard in Spanish is La Jungla de Cristal, like the glass jungle, which to me sounds either delicate and fragile or like a mirror maze, wacky and fun, not badass and dangerous

Found at Costco Bilbao. Naturally he couldn't leave the store without it 😂 2 Costcos down. 4 more to visit

I love living in a country that's so pro-palestine

Bf in the Bilbao Guggenheim museum at a painting: what are you trying to imitate Andy Warhol but bad? It was, in fact, Andy Warhol 😂

Michigan beer found at Spanish Costco!!! And you can still get a hot dog & soda for 1.50 🔥🔥🔥

My favorite Spanish service: the afilador (knife sharpener) AKA the guy that goes around the neighborhoods playing this weird little flute to alert the people who come outside with their knives and he sharpens them for you on the street

Dear outside, Please commence sweater weather at your earliest convenience. I have many sweaters and sweater dresses that I am dying to wear and I just got new boots to go with them and I really need this right now

Today's makeup- a half cut-crease inspired by my papaya pants 😂

Next up: homemade pasta tomorrow

It is after 11pm and we are now cooking pasta noodles to test the sauce I made because we were just eating straight sauce in the kitchen with a spoon before 😂

"looks super roomy. Great for soup." 😂

"looks super roomy. great for soup" 😂

Makeup lately 👩‍🎤

Hello, it's me, Toad

Me: I'm so stressed about this exam Him: what if I dance you around the kitchen to make you laugh, then take you out shopping at your favorite store in the neighborhood, buy us an ice cream, and stop at a cute café for a coffee 🥹❤️

Me: I just corrected my Spanish boyfriend's Spanish I have conquered the language!! 🥳 Me two hours later: that practice exam chewed me up and spit me out I know absolutely nothing 😭

Dr. Oz is a large investor in and global advisor for iHerb, a company that sells supplements for folinic acid, which is the the non-prescription version of leucovorin, the medication which is being recommended for the treatment of autism by Dr. Oz.

Those dummies at the gym gave us TWO free backpacks instead of one what a win 😜🤙

MCR IS COMING TO SPAIN. THE BLACK PARADE IS COMING TO SPAIN 🖤🖤🖤

English is hard because it's stupid and inconsistent in almost every way. Spanish is just hard. Ya girl is struggling

¿Qué tiene Jimmy Kimmel para generar tanta animadversión del lado republicano? Que no tiene miedo a usar su voz. La sanidad fue una de sus primeras quejas ante los republicanos ese 2017, cuando nació su hijo y también cuando Trump llegó al poder

A program in Flint, MI, gave $1,500 to any/all pregnant people and $500/month for the first year of their infant’s life. Among the benefits, those babies experienced lower rates of prematurity and low birth weight, which resulted in fewer NICU admissions, saving the city of Flint $6.2 million/year.

Me pouring my contact solution into the case like a fancy bartender

Oh daddy let's gooooo 👏

Since when has there been a dos?!?!?

Boyfriend on my makeup: it looks like that eye is better blended than the other one Who taught this mf about blending wtf

Chicago style hot dogs Spanish style 😂

"I think it's worth it. I think it's worth to have a cost of, unfortunately, some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the Second Amendment" bet you'll never guess who said this